Present.

We all say we want to live in the present, and we really do. We really want to savor the moments and see the world around us and breathe in the instant yet we don’t. We want to notice the way the trees majestically rise to the sky and hear the soulful coo of the mourning dove and say a sincere thank you to the person who hands us our coffee and even look them in the eyes while doing it yet we don’t.

be.here.now.

More often than not, we don’t.

Often we are plagued with burdens past or fears future and before you know it we forgot the present. We are pulled into the pain of then or the anxiety of next and meanwhile the possibility of now slips by. And we don’t see it, often, until it’s gone.

When your baby is done nursing for good, you try to think about the way he felt against your skin. It’s hard to remember, really, because you were there but not present, thinking about what to make for dinner or whether you would be on time to pick the other kids up. As you gaze at the road, you realize you don’t remember the last fifteen minutes of the trip and wonder what you were thinking about that was making you there but not present.

Moment2

Is that one of the ways that HUSBAND was able to live a double life alongside our life? Because I was there but not present? I was thinking of things past and things to come and forgetting to live in now and now was where he was living another life? As I try to think about those days of known infidelity now, I try to imagine how I had no idea (one of the mind scourges of the betrayed), and not living in the present was real. I spent time focusing on past failures and wounds, trying to avoid a future of mistakes and injury and meanwhile missed the now. Just like the driving reality – I woke up and wondered where and how I had gotten there.

Because that’s how present is. It is here now and gone then. But not like we sometimes think about present. It is seriously here now and gone then. Individual moment by individual moment. To learn to be present is something that finding out HUSBAND was a betrayer has taught me. To learn to literally engage here, now, in this very present moment and the next very present moment and the next and so on. To learn to quiet the mental chatter that feeds me messages from the past or fears of the future and to focus on the person in front of me, his words, his actions now without interpretation, and to receive it. To see the food and smell the smells and taste the tastes now, without expectation or comparison. To walk into a new barre class and see the space and feel the floor against my feet and squeeze the ball between my legs and receive the next move without anticipation.

Present. It is so hard, and so different than the way I used to live. But so completely – freeing.

livethemoment

Such a dichotomy that it was my shattered past that led me to learn to live in the present. But for me, this is an enormous part of my healing. The shattering is what helped me have the courage to do so…you see…the shattering left me bloody and strewn out across all that I knew and exposed…but I survived. I lived on. I became strong and fierce and even though I may be stitched together in so many ways and have crazy scars across all parts of my being, I know that it’s a beautiful pattern. I learned that the One who went first had experienced all this – mockery and flogging and betrayal and abandonment – and He showed me the way to present. Through Him, the past has no hold over me, and the future is glorious.

limitless

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20 thoughts on “Present.

  1. A wonderful post some of which I have achieved and some of which I haven’t. I’ve done very well on fear my life before was a prison because of the fear caused by my OCD and post traumatic stress disorder. I couldn’t leave my house overnight for 5 years because I was so worried the house would be robbed or burn down so I couldn’t travel, take any holidays or go anywhere really. I had to confront that fear and leave the house and so many other fears that were imprisoning me. These fears were leading me to do crazy OCD checking rituals 10 hours a day it was almost as much of a prison as my drug addiction. But living in the moment I have not made so much progress on although when I am writing I am living in the moment. It is very interesting that you think one of the reasons your husband got away with it is because you weren’t living in the moment. I plan to do a course in mindfulness this year to better live in the moment. I am happier and more peaceful than I have ever been so the present moment is a great time for me to be in!

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    1. Thank you for sharing! I hadn’t thought about OCD being imprisoning…but it completely make sense. I hope you are finding lots of freedom now, and that the course on mindfulness is another step forward. HUGS!

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  2. Your post is on target for me at least. I do look at my past and realize where my mind was during all this betrayal and the same for my husband.
    Maybe for all couples together, married or not, we need to be present with each other and focus on each other, not on our worries of the past or present. Maybe then more appreciation will be displayed in front of us.
    My marriage is now in the present, right here, right now. We don’t look ahead too much snd certainly won’t focus on our past.
    I enjoy your post and the realization you came to. This helps me as well. Thank you

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    1. Thank you for this. So encouraging for me to see that you have been able to focus on the present despite such a painful past. I think maybe you are right on what we should do…as couples…

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  3. Not sure I completely agree, but I’ll elaborate. I think our past is important because it helps us see the present. And our present is our opportunity to shape the future. I think the one of the most shattering thing in the face of betrayal is coming to terms to a reality that is so different than what we projected from our past. But I think it’s also the past that gives meaning to fight – and whether that is the relationship/history you had before, or perhaps realizing that the past was something subpar and making a decision to create a different marriage, learning from past mistakes. The past teaches us so much, but I agree that if the past is colouring the present, to leave it behind.
    I think what you’re saying is to experience the present without letting the past colour it too much, or analyzing it for the future. that in itself is freeing. Carpe Diem. Experience the present freely and in its beauty. But LIVE wisely – appreciate the past, experience the present, and look towards the future.

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    1. At the end: “I think what you’re saying is to experience the present without letting the past colour it too much…” yes. Living in moment (notice the saying doesn’t say in THE moment) is different. I will/never can forget the past – especially now that I know the past is really fraught with lots of things I didn’t know before – and I accept it and have looked at each aspect of it – and talked about it – and grieved – but I have learned to step out of the past/future oppression and live in the now. Sounds like you already do, so bravo for you!! Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for your insight!

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  4. Thanks S 🙂
    Funny,
    I responded somewhere else that my experiences have made me fearless. Not in the sense of wanting to engage in immature teenage risk taking behaviour, but in the sense to voice my opinion more freely. That is a good outcome. I might at times offend someone, but I do not intend that. My postings are sometimes emotional and like venting , but more often I research them. My last effort might not what some people want to see. All constructive and respectful feedback welcome.
    Thanks…

    PS where is you “s” did you skip that one?

    I have been waiting for supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
    The word you say when you have nothing else to say……

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So much wisdom in this. I continuously find myself attempting to go *there*, to the past, to make sense and merge the truth with what I thought I knew. I believe that staying present, is what gets me through, minute by minute. You are beautiful.

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