Anatomy of Infidelity, Part 1

First…a note about my absence of late. I was winding down a big project at work and excited to blog on several things: forgiveness, unexpected trigger, new life. And then came Hurricane Matthew that forced HUSBAND and me to deal with our respective businesses/clients, our home, family…and to evacuate to safer space. Returning to our home we encountered a felled tree magnificently missing our home or any other home, but making serious disaster of our neighbor’s brand-new and beautiful workshop/office. hurricanmatthew2

And my office also was the victim of a large tree falling. It is requiring removal with a crane and a delicate positioning to avoid the master-power lines. hurricanematthew

Yes…it has been a crazy last ten days but we praise God for the safety of so many, while we grieve deeply at the horrific loss of life in Haiti, and to a far lesser extent, the US. Please…join me in praying with fervor for these hurting people…

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Infidelity. The word obviously means unfaithfulness between two partners in a committed relationship. But it also means disloyalty, breach of trust, a transgression. From my personal experience, no one really expects it, and no one – NO ONE – can imagine the intense pain that sears through every fibre of your being when you become the victim of infidelity. As I have embraced my personal path of healing, I’ve become dedicated to trying to understand how it can occur…how it happens…what are the root causes, what happened to HUSBAND along the way to enable him to make those choices, and what role, if any, did I play? It has haunted me…sometimes with self-blame, other times with he/she/them blame, so I’ve decided to start at the beginning of the one case study I know intimately, HUSBAND. What follows, for as long as it takes, is the Anatomy of Infidelity.

The Anatomy of Infidelity, Part 1

This is about infidelity. My infidel. My husband.

I’m not pretending or purporting that this is a profile, or what all cheaters look like. But it is the story of my partner, my spouse, and the road of life that lead to him becoming a cheater in our marriage.

At the end of the day, I believe no one wakes up one day while in a committed relationship and just ends up in bed with someone else. Long before I knew I was a betrayed spouse, ironically, I used to say to our children as they got to their teen years that very thing. That it is myriad decisions, choices, wrong thinking and justification along the way that leads to the BIG ONE. Oh, such prophetic words.

So back to the anatomy of my infidel.

He was born into an appearingly loving family with strong traditions of just that: loving family. His mama had a rougher childhood in the 50s…her mom was married several times when it was pretty taboo to do so, and her stability came from her hard-working but devoted grandparents. They, and especially her granddaddy, were hero-worshipped by her and carried saint-status as she began to raise her children including my husband. HUSBAND’s father was second-oldest son of (eventually) six children. FIL’s daddy was smart, hard-working and diligent and founded a very successful business. HUSBAND’s father joined him in the business early on, working side-by-side to build a mini-empire. Along the way, HUSBAND was born, along with four other siblings in close order and everything was hunky dory.

Early family life included week-end trips to the tiny but beloved home of the saintly grands where HUSBAND and his siblings learned to fish and whittle and brush away yellow flies at certain times of the year. The trip included the purchase of white milk and chocolate milk, mixed together, for the kids and a six-pack of beer for the parents to drink on the way to the river. These are some of HUSBAND’s earliest memories.

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He also recalls fondly having to sneak his great-grandma cigarettes even when they had been banned due to her health, and watching the beer crack open at day break. He learned about plants and still has seeds from those days that he cultivates every year, passing on plants to all of our children along with the stories of his great-grandad after whom our oldest son is named.

petes-river

HUSBAND’s home he was born to was a cute bungalow in a darling neighborhood not too far from where he and I live today. By the time he was in first grade, there were four children and his parents decided they needed more room. They made the move to the other side of town and into a much larger home with a pool. He remembers being perfect in his mama’s eyes. And yet, he remembers being anything-but-perfect in his mama’s eyes. He remembers being told he was strong and smart and yet why did he do such a stupid thing and go cut himself a switch and stop doing that. He remembers that his mama took him to church faithfully but that his dad didn’t go with them and he never questioned that and she never said anything about it, but there was no option for him. He remembers that he got to go to the woods with his dad, and he got to fish at the river, and he thinks things were pretty good. His report cards indicate that he was learning well, and getting along with kids well, and the writings we have from those early years show he was progressing.

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Such were the early years of a little boy that would grow up to be a man that one day would get his wires crossed and do things he didn’t want to do but didn’t know how not to do and didn’t know why he did them.

The anatomy of infidelity. Part one.

 

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Anatomy of Infidelity, Part 1

  1. I’m glad you’re okay. I was thinking about you during the storm. We only lost power for about 12 hours, probably a perk of living near the current mayor 😉
    I know we live in the same city, but now I find myself wondering how close we actually live to each other.
    Largest small town in the world, right?
    I’m very intrigued by the anatomy of your husband’s infidelity, and look forward to reading more.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps me feel so much less alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Yes…that would be a benefit! Must say I’m impressed with how both he and the Governor handled this particular event.
      I’m over the bridge in another older section of town. My office is in Five Points and I’m a couple miles away.
      I’m open to a cup of coffee – maybe Brew in Five Points, or Vagabond in Murray Hill…Starbucks in San Marco… And you are not alone…I’m part of a really strong support group that has helped my processing and healing immensely. Let me know if you want more information! Hope to hear more soon. HUGS!

      Like

      1. Yes, I was impressed with them too. On the whole I thought things went very well here.
        Coffee would be nice. And maybe more information about the support group. I like to think I’m doing relatively well, but my husband has suggested that maybe some more help might be a good idea. He is still seeing his therapist, but I have struggled to find one that I can connect with.
        Our pediatrician is in Five Points, and we are currently cramming our 4 kids into one of those “cute bungalows” down the street from the starbucks. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. First off, Thank God you are OK! You were in my prayers during this horrific storm. Regarding HUSBANDS upbringing, I think he and Will could have been raised in the same household. Eerily similar. On the edge of my seat waiting for the next installment. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry about your office but glad that you are OK. Hurricanes scare the hell out of me especially because we have huge trees like that all around our house. Thankfully they don’t often come this far north.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! They got the tree removed from the office…it looks so bare. Our ferrell (sp?) kitty that we feed was spooked and did not come around for a couple days…but he came back today!! Here’s hoping that our community gets rebuilt stronger and wiser…kind of like many of us are working on in our lives… HUGS!

      Liked by 1 person

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