Glorious Moments

Last day of September, and here in the deep South, it is still feeling like summer. Yet…a small hint of the coming cool has wafted in the last couple days. You have to get up early to feel it, but it shows in the crispier glow of the sun, the clearer blue of the sky, and the magnificent sunsets almost every evening.

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I love this time of the year. I love all of it…the leaves, the clothes, the decorations. I love that I have a fall birthday, and there is college football to cheer (or cry) for. I love that I can wear boots again and that I got married in this glorious season.

Ahhh….marriage. Right.

Marriage that held such promise when we spoke our vows and danced our dances and toasted our flutes. Marriage that I thought would be so strengthening for me – a place in which I could bloom and grow. Marriage as an ungirding to all the potential choices and opportunities and prospects of a glorious future.

Ahhh…future. Right.

We laughed in the face of all challenges that came up (or so I thought). We had baby one and baby two and baby three and baby four and dreamed of their futures and taught them to dream and to believe and to try. Just try. At least try. Step into that glorious maybe.

Ahhh…maybe. Right.

But somewhere along the way he didn’t really believe it all and honestly, neither did I. We were set on a course though, and had no understanding of how to change it. So we kept up the façade on the outside. But he was finding solace in drugs. And alcohol. And other women. I had no idea – he hid that part of him so well – and I found solace in my work. And my babies. And my pretensions, you know, the ones that allowed me not to see the true parts of my life. The glorious mask.

Ahhh…mask. Right.

So when the truth began tumbling out in the form of infidelity, I could not pretend any longer. I could not pretend that what I wished my life to be was really what it was and I had choices. Choices to press down the pain and sweep it under the rug. Choices to run far, far away from the madness and blame it all on him and hate him with a vengeance and get lots of support because I would. Choices to be rabidly filled with vengeance and hurt everyone I could in my wake. Choices to sever any ties at all and refashion the rest of my life in whatever manner suited me. Choices to slow down, to watch, to listen, to learn about him and about me and to heal – and then decide which road I would take. Choices to learn to peel off the past and to dispel needing to design the future and accept…and live in…and revel…the present. The glorious present.

Ahhh…present. Right.

No. Wrong.

At least my perception of the present was wrong for most of my life, until infidelity revealed. Until horrible and dreadful and excruciating and soul-sucking and mind-blowing and self-blaming and him-hating and her-disdaining. Until my distorted understanding of my past and my fairy-tale view of the future crashed so horrifically with the reality of the present and I had to acknowledge it. Or lose me forever. The glorious forever.

For real, the glorious forever.

It was standing at the precipice of choices and seeing that the very path promising the most pain was the path to my freedom when I knew. I got it. I understood. My Savior was at that same place 2000 years ago. He saw the road to freedom and healing was about to be covered in blood and betrayal and abandonment and thrashings. He didn’t want the cup…He asked His Father to take it from Him. But He saw. He knew. He knew it was the only real path for all of our healing. He could have chosen another way, a way to save Him alone, but this way, this awful, horrible way ensured we could be part of His story. This way –going directly into and through the pain-was the only way He could provide us complete and utter curing from our bondage to our confusion and our self-inflicted wounds and our other’s-inflicted-wounds and our fears and our prejudices and our disappointments and our doubts and our… So He took the cup. In that moment, I saw that He did that – He took the cup. In that moment, that present, and here I was in a present and I had choices but most of them were about the past hurts or the future changes and I chose the present. The present with no understanding of the future, but the glorious realization that He had this. He had me. He loved me. Glorious love.

writteninred

Ahhh…love. Really. Love that led the way.

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15 thoughts on “Glorious Moments

  1. What different people we become after betrayal. It’s almost as if we all become the astrological of Gemini. Two different personalities…two different people. The before and the after. That’s how I describe my life now…the before time and the after time. I have been frozen in the after time for so long, I think I may just stay there…but like I say….there’s a comfort in that frozen status.
    The fact that you relied on “Him” to show you the way, is wonderful. I spent too many years relying on Him…and he let me down at every turn. Maybe, he was saving his grace for you. You are certainly worthy. So much pain…so much suffering…so many dreams turning into nightmares….yes…you are worthy.

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    1. Oh Laurel. I waited on Him too…was disappointed over and over and over again. And when all this came crashing down, I was so mad at His ability or willingness to turn His back on me after having cried out many times for many years. I told Him He wasn’t real.
      That’s where it gets so different…that’s when I began to see the path He took with new eyes. I believe that He did that so we would have the ability to understand that our freedom came at a cost – not just His death, but the despicable journey to His death. And it comes at a personal cost for me too. That was stepping into, directly, no preconceived ideas based on the past or ridiculous hopes tied to a future that I thought I could create. Instead, stepping into the moment and just taking the next very tiny step without looking back or forward.
      Living and being the pain, completely.
      And sure enough, that is when I discovered healing. This was not about HUSBAND or family of origin or where I may be in five years or who didn’t treat me right nor whether I would reconcile.
      He is there for you too.
      Because you, dear Laurel, are worthy.
      HUGS.

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      1. This will sound harsh…but He can’t win them all. I’m not Job…and I believed it when somebody said “God plants no sorrow on limbs too weak to bear.” Turns out to be just another platitude. I heard enough of them from Loser.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Oh no Laurel, He didn’t let you down, no way,no how. You survived the hell your family, your ex and his family put you through………..He was right there holding the exit door for you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my sweet friend…this had me in tears of gratitude. He truly has felt it all, known it all and is willing to bear it all for us. I would not be here if I did not have Him to rely on. Thank you for this powerful testimony. Love you my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

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