Victory

Some victories are so sweet. The victory of overcoming fear when I started a new school – I attended tons growing up as a military girl –

I remember the fear the night before, the stories that bounced around in my head, the plans I mentally made to deal with this or that or that or this. And the feeling of walking into a new room and being introduced as “the new girl.” Going to the lunchroom and knowing there were rules but no one had told me the rules and if/when I broke one wondering what the punishment might be – from administration, but worse, from peers.

Unhappy Teenage Girl Being Gossiped About By Peers
Unhappy Teenage Girl Being Gossiped About By Peers

But the victory when I wasn’t the new girl anymore and had at least a few people to share secrets with and I knew where to sit and with whom.

The victory of completing a routine on beam…not just without falling…but soaring. Knowing I’d hit every moment just the right way and that the judges were struggling to find the blemishes in the performance…receiving the embrace of my coach and then seeing the score. Such sweet victory.

gymnast

As a young driver, I was determined not to be a typical girl which I defined as indecisive and inattentive on the road. I wanted to drive like a boy with daring and confidence and an arm out the window and my head thrown back. Oh, the victory when one of my friends commented that I drove like a guy.

It was a sweet victory each time a precious new life emerged from me…all plump and squished up and crying. Holding that new life and staring into the eyes of creation – that is a victory so sweet and so timeless and I’m forever grateful.

LAP-1

It was bittersweet victory as each milestone flew by in the lives of those babies…kindergarten…transition to high school…proms and honor societies and graduations. Now the victory of seeing my beautiful girl pledge her love to her mate, and the boys seeking education beyond high school and graduating and working. Oh, the beautiful victory.

I thought it was a victory when I said my own vows. When I pledged myself to love forever even if things got really bad for any reason. I thought it was a victory for me. For HUSBAND – he told me it was as he gazed into my heart. For us. But it was so soon, so early in our delicate oneness that he broke those vows. Far too early for the oneness to be strong, he went outward to another woman and set a pattern of seeking pleasure for his pain that excluded me rather than embraced me. I couldn’t figure out why the victory of love and marriage had turned so distant and felt more like a marathon that never ended rather than the short sprints of joy and life with victories sprinkled in. But it was all those lies, all those deceptions that HUSBAND was either living in, or covering up for, that created a space between our oneness that only he knew how to bridge. Because only he knew the real story.

So the victory in this? The victory is that truth…truth really has freed me and freed us. It has no hold anymore, no ability to fool or separate or speak words into my heart that destroy. Truth revealed and the excruciating process of healing is victory like none other.

dancing

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13 thoughts on “Victory

  1. Truth. An interesting concept. Takes on a whole new importance when you think you have been living it but find out the lies within the truth. I swear I will take nothing but the truth. Honesty only in my marriage.
    What I have come to realize is that because my husband was so caught up in so many lies and deception that it created a divide that I could not quite put my finger on. Probably what you called ” a space between our oneness.” I love that. There is a distinct difference in his demeanor when he’s not hiding something. I suppose it has something to do with not having to be on guard all the time to protect the lies. The lies are distractions from being able to live a life in full.
    Yes truth. I’ll take it despite the pain it could cause.
    Thank you for your wonderful post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading, Taking Back!! And I can’t wait to read your story. I’m sorry we are in this together, but always so grateful to see the brave and strong women to model myself after. HUGS.

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  2. I am learning to recognize and appreciate the small victories. I am learning to be grateful for the little “wins” with faith that the overall big triumph will be a happy marriage. Thank you for sharing this. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Truth…the opposite of lies…Philosophers, pragmatists, theologians…aside…A person who intentionally lies is aware of their behaviour and as they are aware, they can change it…the truth will set them free and it is the beginning of a beautiful road to self-discovery and love for others. A true victory!
    Love
    E

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Inspirational post SS. Just what I needed to read. I had a bad day yesterday. Victory for me was OH apologising for something he did that hurt me and then us having a longer discussion about where we are at. Talking is always a victory for me, because talking about us was something OH didn’t do before.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That IS a victory, Ash!
      Have you and H delved into what a vision for your marriage, your new marriage, your healed and not-including-an-outside-party marriage looks like? That helped us…helped us to dream together and to shoot for something together. Something that was ours.
      Hope you have a good week. HUGS.

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