Being New.

HUSBAND and I attend a unique support group. He with men, sex addicts, for a time and I with women, betrayeds. Then we come together as couples. It is a powerful time, and we leave bolstered in our me-ness and our us-ness and it is good.

During our time together last week, HUSBAND shared. He shared that it is closing in on two years of complete and utter truth for him, and truth between us – two years from the time the trickle-truth DDays ended and I had a clear understanding of who the man that had shared my head and my heart and my bed and my life really was. He shared that he had worked really hard to be the same in his words that he was in his actions. That he had put fences around his behavior and checks around his actions and accountability around his emotions.

Fences

He shared that he had taken care to change even small behaviors…things like not exaggerating the amount he spent on something or what time he was leaving his office. That he has faced the emotional pain and fear and stories that were deep down in his soul and worked hard to quiet them. That he has committed to carefully speak his needs with honesty and to continue to be vulnerable in the roller coaster of my emotions and to continue to be sorry no matter what or why or who or how long.

And then he struggled to explain, but ended up sharing that it was incredible what was happening. That he realizes he has begun to believe he is this man, this new man. That he is beginning to realize that he is becoming honest and learning to live in truth – really – from a deep, core place of who he is. He shared that the freedom he has is incredible and the lure to move away from truth in his words, through his thoughts, by his actions is less tempting.

NewMan

HUSBAND looked at me, then. He shared that he could not believe what he had done. That as the man he said he was and the man he is becoming synthesize together he looks back in great shame and shock and disgust and sees now…he was “that man.” And he took my hand with tender tears in his eyes and shared with me…and with the other couples in the room…that he could not believe I had stayed by his side. He shared that he didn’t think he could…now that he was beginning to really, completely comprehend the magnitude of betrayal he had woven through our lives, he just didn’t know if he could be me if the roles were reversed.

It was a stunning moment, a moment of illumination, a moment of searing pain and remarkable agony somehow moving between the two of us and we were sharing the hurt together. And sharing the healing together. The new man and the new woman and the new marriage, together in an oddly wrapped and shaped package of precious love. A package clearly and utterly covered with the battle-wounds of our lives, and the blood of the One who showed us the path through the forest of pain so we could reach this place called freedom. This place, this tender and amazing place, called love.

manwomanGod

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34 thoughts on “Being New.

  1. This is so beautiful and gives me hope for my own marriage. It is my greatest hope that he can learn to be absolutely honest with me and that he will eventually come to understand the magnitude of my pain. Your husband has found true recovery, and I am happy for you. Thank you for the glimmer of hope today.

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    1. Oh Boomer. It is not the journey I set out on…not the path I thought I’d chosen…but the place it is leading is magnificent. Not just for me, but for HUSBAND. We ache to share this with others who are so caught in active infidelity, sex addiction or the aftermath of pain. There. Is. Hope. Not hope for just staying married – honestly – if it was going to go back to the old marriage after I knew what was really under the surface? No way. I would not have stayed. This is completely and utterly different. How can it be that beauty can emerge from such darkness? I hope, I pray this for you too. HUGS!

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  2. This is an inspiring story. Thanks for sharing. Character is continuous for sure. You and your husband have found and felt something that very few couples experienced. Sometimes your marriage has to go through the ringer and hit bottom before it can emerge into something truly special. There is nothing better in the world then true and muture love. You found it!

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  3. This is so beautiful and hopeful and inspiring. I see some of the fog lifting and Will becoming a man of integrity and character. I have faith that he too will shed the ugly of his past man and feel comfortable in the skin of the man he is becoming. Thank you for sharing this friend! ❤️
    **PS..I would love to know what group you attend and how to find one similar (for him, her, us) in our area. Are you willing to share?**

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    1. Of course…but the group is local, although it may be spreading 🙂 It is called Nehemiah – model is like I described and the couple element is what is missing from most. HUSBAND also attends another meeting weekly in the early am. So glad to hear the fog may be lifting from Will…

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  4. So awesome. I am so glad it has worked out.
    When you first said you’d taken him back I was skeptical because I’d been down that road with my ex and after several false starts taking him back three times and him looking like he was doing good each time I finally gave up and said “Enuff!”
    BUT, his “doing good” periods never lasted more than two months. BIG Difference! I think Husband is definitely on the road to healing. You both are, so it leaves and gives hope to others. I think everyone should at least give it a chance. Lives are worth redeeming.

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    1. Jolie…you are awesome. To have traveled your path and come through as a person who still believes in possibilities…in redemption…this is a beautiful thing. I’m so glad you are here. And I would’ve said “Enuff” too…HUGS.

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  5. Beautiful and as others have pointed out, a source of encouragement and hope. I heard the expression recently that “Rock bottom makes a good foundation” and I think your story demonstrates that. So critically important that you and Husband didn’t just “try to make it work” but really did the HARD WORK of counseling, therapy groups, marriage seminars, and endless conversations and tears shared between you. By sharing the good, the bad and the ugly with such transparency you are able to provide genuine hope and encouragement to others. Hallelujah and amen to the “new man” H has become and the new married life you two are enjoying.

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  6. This post is powerful and beautifully written.
    I congratulate you both on where you have arrived.
    You have shown us something that seems to be very rare in the world of infidelity. You have shown us that it really is possible for a person to change his character traits, his mindset and his view of the world. That man who lied, cheated and deceived his loved ones was able to transform his thinking. He was given a chance to be the man he wanted to be. He had to work hard to constantly review his thoughts and use concepts like fences. It would have taken great concentration to be vigilant all the time with his thinking and reviewing himself.
    You SH have shown wonderful positive strength ever since you started writing your blog. You have shown us common sense, kindness and compassion. I am so glad your husband has shared how he appreciated you staying by his side on this path and that he was not sure he could have done it. That says a lot about his thinking and mindset.
    I am saddened when I read the stories of betrayed couples where the betrayer knows what he should say and how to act but deep down he still has the belief system strongly in place that lead to his warped actions. He deep down still thinks he is entitled, his thoughts are selfish and egocentric. He is unable to inherently think with empathy. We see it far too often. We see betrayed spouses having no other choice but to leave the toxic relationship hidden by this new perceived good behaviour of their spouse. The time and effort put in by the betrayed spouse is wasted. I do think there comes a point where we know if they truly get it but if you are a positive and hopeful person it might just be a waste of time.
    Your story is one where you both have shown love,faith and belief in changing your relationship. Congratulations.
    Thank you for sharing.

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    1. What a thoughtful response, LAA. You touched so many points, so many areas that were the only path to healing in our marriage. I am so grieved for my beautiful sisters in betrayal who have partners unwilling to do this work, who can’t or won’t be new. I am so grieved for the brokenness and pain and distortion of love. I want so badly to help others know they can be whole, whichever way the path takes them. We are all in this together, and have so much to learn, and to give, to each other. Thank you for being here. HUGS.

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  7. I loved this SH. I love that he has become such a different man and that the new him hates what he was and what it did to you! Always inspired by your tremendous grace- I’m glad he sees it too and appreciates what a true gift it is!

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  8. “…begun to believe he is this man, the new man.”

    Wow. Beautiful. I wanted to clap for this post and your progress. Congrats to you guys for getting it right and doing everything necessary to help your marriage. Very inspiring. Xo

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  9. Loved this post. It takes so much trust to believe that the new man is really the new man. After having been deceived for so long and realizing how talented my husband is at deception I am just not there yet. Keep waiting for the old husband to return.
    Sure wish we had a support group in our area. Anyone from Omaha let me know!

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    1. Oh Taking Back…I. Understand. It is excruciatingly difficult to trust, and as thrilled and full of belief as I am, I still sleep with one eye open. I am incredibly grateful for the support of our groups, individually, and as a couple. I’ll ask our leaders about Omaha!! HUGS.

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    1. Oh yes. And when it happens, it is a beautiful thing. The incredible depth of feeling and growth for HUSBAND is overwhelming. It’s like he was trapped, wrapped in some invisible cloth that kept him from his humanity, and now that he is recovering he is waking up to the beauty of life, of emotional connection. Yes…I absolutely believe folks who are sex addicts can have normal relationships. Do you?

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        1. I am rooting for you!! It is a process, dear girl. Allow yourself the freedom to move through the process, and be kind to yourself as you hit roadblocks. What is on the other side of those blocks…is beauty. HUGS!

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