Broken-Open

So I took the 30-day alphabet challenge during the month of April, writing every day of the month except Sundays. I do not write ahead; rather each day I search for the direction of the moment and follow those thoughts and they result in my posts. Doing that for 26 days out of thirty took lots from my soul. HUSBAND asked me to take a respite after that and at first I scoffed thinking I did not need a break. Seems he knew me better than I knew myself – I needed it. I’ve missed you all and am glad to be back.

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And that brings me to here.

Today. June 1, 2016. A day that I can boldly say is better than June 1, 2015 or 2014 or 2013 or for all my married years prior to now.

How…why…can it be better to be the wife of a sex-addict, to know it? Wasn’t it better to live in the bliss of naiveté? To be unaware that HUSBAND found other women repeatedly throughout our marriage – whether real flesh and blood – or screen images that gave him things that only exist in fantasy?

No. No it wasn’t. It wasn’t for me.

Today is better than the last two years because I am two years out from finding out the awful reality of being a betrayed. Two years of living a progressively less violent emotional roller coaster. Two years of rolling memories around in my brain and reliving moments and trying to make sense of them and going through the cycles of grief again and again. Two years of learning to deal with triggers and a flood of pain that takes my breath away and mind invasions and questions with no answers and self-blame and hatred and overwhelming love. It is who I am now, indelibly stamped on my being and whether I remained married or left to have a different life this is me – me – forever and always.

Today is better than last year when I was a year out. 2015 was filled with anniversaries: One year from anonymous email and finding out HUSBAND was unhappy. One year from several weeks later and finding out HUSBAND was having an affair. One year from several weeks later and finding out HUSBAND’s affair wasn’t what he first revealed and included more time with his AP and more, well, more. One year from several weeks later and finding out there were more affairs. One year from several weeks later from finding out about family betrayal and friend betrayal. One year from several weeks later from finding out there was porn and masturbation and addiction. A year of one years, each one forcing me to take out that date and hold it in my hand and heart and try to decide if it was worth it. I could only look at that one moment, that one day, and step forward.

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And the year before…2014…such a looming wall of torment when I go back to those moments. Reading the anonymous email. Finding the letter of love and devotion from the current affair partner. The conversations and conversations and conversations and conversations with HUSBAND. The realization that pain inside could seep into every fiber of my being and wrack me with sobs that started in my heart and raced into every limb and digit and through every vein and capillary and occupied every cell and screamed and cried and begged for the hurt to stop. Oh the moments of not-wanting-to-die yet not-wanting-to-live or rather not-knowing-how-to-live or not-knowing-what-living-was and just not even being able to breathe. The shame. The guilt. The anger. The hurt. The abandonment. The confusion. The lies and the lies and the lies and the lies that I now knew had been my life.

The years before. They were good. I thought they were good. Or at least mostly. I thought that and yet now that they are good – really, really good – I can see they weren’t so good. I didn’t know about the women in HUSBAND’s life, true, but I always knew I wanted more with and in our relationship. I wanted to be cherished, to be considered deeply from a heart place. I wanted to share dreams and be able to be sad together when they didn’t happen without worrying it would make HUSBAND feel bad or like a failure. I wanted to be able to dream more and again and different without worrying it would make HUSBAND feel like I could never make up my mind. I wanted to be able to touch and be touched in public and private and to exchange glances that spoke volumes across a room and have private jokes that weren’t laced with sarcasm and know that above all else, I could count on being adored and protected.

Sometimes I pretended I had that throughout my marriage. But I didn’t.

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Up until the time the true nature of my marriage was revealed, I counted my words. I timed my conversations and wrapped that in the lingo of various women’s magazines and self-help journals and even religious teachings about wisdom and being gentle-tongued and a Proverbs 31 wife. I wanted so badly to have a deeply allied and intimate relationship that really was one flesh in every sense of the word and I acted like that was what we had and told myself that was what we had. But it wasn’t true.

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That is why June 1, 2016 is so incredibly different. So incredibly good. Because now, it is so incredibly real.

No walls. No masks. No space between our one flesh.

My addict HUSBAND became broken open through the revelations. My addict HUSBAND has committed all the fiber of his being to recovery and loving himself and loving me. I became broken open through agony, and that pain has poured out all the layers and layers and layers of pretensions and excuses and craziness and self-lies. No layers now between us. No secrets and hidden things and carefully (manipulated) thought-out words to try to get the other to respond the way we want them to. All those things that I wanted and had convinced myself only exist in chick-flicks live in my house now. They live in my words and my relationship and my bed. I. Am. Loved.

June 1, 2016. Two people, broken-open and meshed together into one. Battle-scarred, far-from-perfect but oh, so beautiful.

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37 thoughts on “Broken-Open

  1. Welcome back! To be able to work through all the issues with your husband after all that happened, just shows the commitment you have to the marriage, to the man and most of all to the family. It takes alot of strength. Strenth along with a very very BIG heart…I am sincerely happy for you that you are in a much better place…

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  2. Once again you are using your tremendous pain to help heal others, and I applaud you for your bravery and your phenomenal gift for writing so insightfully. As I read, especially about the agony of that first year, I wish I could hold you so tight all that pain could disappear BUT then I see as you do, that it was all necessary, and Praise the Living God, essential for redemption. Thank you for helping others to see that the Phoenix can rise and there is beauty from ashes. I love you dearly.

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    1. Oh you too, CJ. You have been a rock for me through so much of life, and I am grateful for you. I do praise the Living God…who is so. much. more. than what I thought and imagined. I grieve the way we water His story down, and diminish the glory of His journey by diminishing our journeys. I’m glad I no longer see Him as the Master Puppeteer who just doesn’t want to pull my strings the way I want/need…rather the author of love and grace and mercy. HUGS to you!

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  3. Welcome back- you were so missed but I’m glad that you took the time off that you needed! I’m also happy that you are doing so well! Thank you for this post- it’s full of hope, inspiration and wisdom!

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  4. Oh how I have missed you my sweet Susan! I am glad you took some time for yourself but equally pleased that you are back and sharing your beautiful story. I cannot tell you how much I love this post! I so needed to hear the beauty, the hope, the promise, the joy…the possibilities! Thank you! Much love and hugs to you..❤️

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  5. Wonderfully written post- thank you so much for sharing it. I started reading your blog a few months ago. I believe we actually live in the same town. Chances are good we actually have friends in common- rarely do I come across anybody in this town that isn’t somehow connected to someone else, somehow. 🙂
    My d-day was 2 years ago this May. We have 4 kids too, although ours are younger. I initially stayed for the kids, but now I’m here for me. We are, in many ways, better than we have ever been, and I have a lot of hope for our future.

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    1. Oh it does sound like we may be in the same town…we call this the largest small town in the US. And we do likely know some of the same people 🙂 We have much in common…our d-day was 2 years ago April 29 (the start of truth-telling)…and the four kids…wow. If you ever want support in person, let me know – happy to meet for a cup of coffee or tea. And it is incredibly encouraging to hear that you are here now. For you. HUGS.

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  6. No walls. No masks. No space between our one flesh.

    Perfection. this is how I feel. Second anniversary is also June.

    Can I ask if you still have moments of extreme anger?
    I still ask, Why didn’t your love for me stop you from going down that path?

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    1. Oh yes. I still have moments of extreme anger…and bizarre gauntlets from time to time. I’m going to write about one this week… Welcome…hope you come back, and so glad you are losing the spaces that divide too. HUGS.

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