Just looking back through the life of my infidel…looking at gaps and patterns and moments and experiences and ways-of-living that could give us both clues into how. Into why. This isn’t a treatise for explaining cheating; rather a process of working through for both of us…so we never end up there again.
On to Part 4…
He was smitten by this crazy girl. She had a different kind of home life than the one he knew, and she had traveled roads he hadn’t been down. She was unpredictable and passionate in good ways and bad ways. They continued to party…drinking…smoking pot…going to concerts…trips to the Keys and the Bahamas… Between her voracious sexual appetite, knowledge of ways to please and strong personality, he was in a state of constant confusion. For the first couple years it was exciting…so exciting that HUSBAND decided to marry her which angered his family. They got engaged, but the ring came off and on depending on the status of their relationship. At one point she disappeared and left town with another man, but returned soon and the relationship resumed. Finally the ring never did go back on her finger, and there are lifelong wounds that have been difficult to reconcile.
But there was another side to the man, HUSBAND, during those years. I met him then, at the end of his tumultuous relationship. I was a determined and goal-oriented young professional and a mutual friend brought us together for business reasons. The man that I met was kind, a bit shy and open to the business assistance I could provide. He was a solid manager in a successful company, and seemed to have his future planned with quiet confidence. Even then…he was able to put on a mask when needed. We were both engaged at that point, and I thought nothing of our meetings other than what they were intended for.
A couple years later, a Board member and I were targeting HUSBAND’s company (along with several others). We provided several occasions to share our services and products and got some interest from the leadership team of HUSBAND’s company. Eventually I took a tour of the company, led by HUSBAND. I was impressed with his deep knowledge of a really complex business, his breadth of vision for upcoming changes in technology and business methodology. At the end of the tour, he walked me out to my car and asked if I’d ever gotten married…no…nor had he.
Within a few weeks, our business relationship moved to a personal relationship and six months later, we were married.
The man I was getting to know admitted he had partied some in the past. But not so much, really not much at all.
The man I was getting to know admitted he’d had sex with his long term girlfriend, and two other times/people. Not much of a conquest guy, really tame compared to some of the things I’d heard from other men.
The man I was getting to know had a vision and plan for his future. Yet he had a charming way of being humble, and uncertain that was endearing.
The man I was getting to know loved me so much. Loved me more than hunting. Loved me more than fishing. Loved me more than anything, and wanted to be with me more than anything. Told me on more than one occasion when we were forced to be apart overnight due to previously planned trips…just think…soon…we will never have to be apart again…
Turns out the man I was getting to know wasn’t the man I married. Not that I had any clue for a very long time.
And turns out that I did turn a blind eye to some things.
That all comes next.
So as you put on your masks and costumes tonight, think about how many people you know who wear them every day…wear them so well that they are nearly impossible to detect. Halloween…a celebration of illusion.
savingshards 
Fucking masks. Had we but known. Of course, who am I to criticize? I was the biggest mask wearer of all.
And the blind eye. Wow. Why do we do that? I didn’t (nor would you, I suspect) turn a blind eye to ANYBODY. People had to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me…but….man….how could we not see?
Hmmm… I think the answer is that we trusted. Sigh.
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I have been thinking about this blind eye thing. Is that what we did? When I look back I think how could I have not known and when I caught him lying about where he had been and even thought ” he’s having an affair” I did nothing. It was not a blind eye but more of total disbelief. When you are in all of the madness the betrayer has a way to confuse you. You become off balance and you do not even know that is what you are feeling. You know something is not right but it’s just a little out of reach to be able to make it clear. And then…..your world as you know it ends.
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Oh yes. That’s why this has been so important for me, for my healing. I examined, and will write, of my blindness. Not any more…
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Hell…I found a gold earring in Losers’ car. When I asked him about it, he said “shut the fucking door.” I never brought it up again….why? Because I was a fucking idiot…because I trusted the piece of scum…and because I had the blind eye.
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Yes…yes, Laurel. We trusted.
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I just don’t think it was a blind eye. Rather a distortion of the truth and our perceived reality so great that our minds would not let us believe. Your brain will do everything it can do to protect you from trauma. Maybe it thought it was just doing its job. I can tell you now my memories seem to be hard to recall, even recent events, and that night when I actually was reading the words in front of me….the most surreal experience of my life. There was no way a blind eye or protective mind could help me anymore. My life was a lie. Hard to get your head around that.
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I can’t tell you how much I love this…yes…our brains work hard to protect us. Until it can’t.
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That blind eye thing. OH told me over the years of his EA that he really HAD to go to the occasional work social evening and agreed with me how stupid it was that partners weren’t allowed to attend. How sad he was to go and how awful it would be without me there. And I stupidly felt sorry for him, and texted him frequently to “cheer him up”. Almost all those times I was doing that, he was, in fact, meeting HER and having a great time! WTF? Thank you for this series of posts, SS. A great insight. X
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Oh God I would text him things like ” have fun” or “kiss me when you get home” or ” drive careful it’s slippery.” I looked like and feel like an idiot and he looks like and possibly still is a total douche bag.
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Me too. Drive safely…hope you are having fun… UGH.
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Oh yes…THAT blind eye.
Now comes the hard part of this series…our marriage. The fissures that I could not see…
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Was the crazy girl the OW?
I think it was not your mask but your husband was actually wearing a mask all the time.
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He really was. And didn’t know it. So was I though. I I didn’t know it.
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Time for some humor. Here are some wickedly funny shopping suggestons on Black Friday for your cheating spouse. .
.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/5833fd92e4b0eaa5f14d4a35?timestamp=1479805620375 >
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So many of us have blinders on and fall for their lies and deception. We trust but we also ignore the warning signs.
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