The Prism of the Present

I just took a shower. Routine event…sometimes I get out of the shower and am toweling off and realize I had not remembered, specifically, washing my hair or using conditioner or shaving because I do those things so rotely they take no real awareness.  Sometimes I even have to rub my hand down my leg to make sure I did do all the shower tasks (but don’t tell ok?)

I do a lot of thinking in the shower. I write blog posts, or a book. I solve problems and have imaginary conversations. I often think of the past or something I didn’t do or something that is weighing on my mind…

There was a bad shower day: it was a few days after I discovered HUSBAND was a cheater, and that he had shared a cabin by a creek in a small town in North Carolina with the OW. As I reached my arm up to get my shampoo, suddenly it was her arm, SW, and it was her in the shower and his hands were on her and I couldn’t discern her from me and his touch on me was really on her…it was horrible and I sobbed.

CryingintheShower

So today, I had a different kind of experience. Turned on the water, just like always and stepped in when it was the right temperature. I let the water roll down my hair and my face and my body and suddenly, that was all there was. Me, the water, the shower. I noticed the tile and the perfect force of the showerhead’s delivery of water to my body – why had I not realized this before? And when I squeezed the shampoo onto my hand, I smelled the gentle fragrance that appeals to me, and makes me think clean, and I noticed, no – REALLY NOTICED – the way it sat in my hand. I put my hands to my head, and washed my hair and felt the stress and the debris and the stuff work out of my scalp and hair and fall with the water into the bottom of the shower and run down the drain. For the first time ever, I moved every moment of my shower with intentionality. Intentionally in the present, fighting off the urge to look behind or ahead.

A crazy thing happened. I saw and smelled and felt and sensed so much to be grateful for. In the shower, in my shower. Things like: A clean shower. Hair product that I like. The ability to take showers any time I want. To make the water temperature just so. To have delightful homemade soap to clean my body. To wash my face and get every nook and cranny clean and fresh and new. The gratefulness in the space was palatable, it was real, it was present in the shower with me.

It hit me how hard we have to fight to live in the present. To fight off the what-ifs, and the I need to… And no matter what our past story is, whether it is betrayal, or rejection, or abandonment, or fear, or addiction, or success and power…we really only have the present. This moment. Right now. As I breathe in the present moment, I discover that my eyes are often opened to both flashes of beauty, and possibility. Possibility that the next moment may hold a flash of beauty…and if not, finding the thing in one moment that is strong can carry me through the ugly and hurtful and dark until the next time I can see a moment of good.

BreakingThrough

It was pain that taught me to live in the present. It was the pain of discovering I was a betrayed wife that overcame me with such force that all I could do was take the next breath. Literally, the next breath. I learned that I had to allow the pain to be, to look at it, to feel it. This was the first time in my life the pain was so enveloping and strong and permeating that I could not shove it aside or just smile and nod. I had to let it be and experience it and let it own the moment. That present moment because there was no way I could look beyond where all I could sense was more pain. So I was forced to the present. It was there, in the present pain that I began to find healing. I survived. I slowly saw a flash of beauty. Just a flash, mind you. But then another and another.

Happy Labor Day…and may we each find a sliver of beauty in one present moment today.

flashofbeauty

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9 thoughts on “The Prism of the Present

  1. Your post is wonderfully written and painfully ironic for me to see. In your closing thought you say find the beauty in one present moment today. This day is the very last day I lived in my first marriage. On the 4th I discovered the message logs on Verizon, my husband lied about why and what..on the 5th I asker again and again, he continued to lie. On the 6th I restored the messages using the feature on message +. It only restores back 90 days, but I had seen a lifetime go by. So the day of this beautiful and hope-filled post was the last day I saw beauty in the present moment. I hope with time I will see it again, but right now I very much doubt it to be so. Thank you for sharing so newbies to this horrid club can see there’s a least a chance to feel some normalcy within again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hated to like your reply, Shannon. It shattered my heart, and brought back the devastating sting of discovery. Oh sweet girl, there is hope for you to see beauty again. To believe again. I’m about to post something that again talks of the present…so much of my own journey has helped me to see that I was never living in the present, rather avoiding a past or believing it to be something it wasn’t, and drawing a picture for a future that kept me believing things were better than they were. Infidelity…it SEARS the SOUL…yet. Yet. It gave me pause and courage to look back in authenticity, and forward in release, and it was walking directly through the reality of the pain that I found the present. I don’t know where your journey will take you…I don’t know where mine will take me! But I know now that I want to take it and that I am strong enough, with a real voice and knowing I’m loved. This can be your story too. Allow yourself to feel…and press in to this amazing community here. Write. Speak (to safe people ONLY). And most…know you are not alone. HUGS.

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