in Affairs, Marriage, Uncategorized 530 Words

Betrayal Decided.

 

Wednesday (or the third day) of Holy Week. Not much happens on this particular day, or at least I never realized it in the same way I did today. Wednesday was the day that somewhere around two-thousand years ago, a man named Judas decided he would betray the One whom he had loved, and followed, and dedicated his life to over the prior years. The One to whom he had listened intently, shaped his understanding of his past, and the direction of his future.

JudasBetrayal

I find it astounding that God chose to let us see a window into the heart and mind of Judas…not just the action of his betrayal the next day, but that he chose betrayal before he acted. That on the day before he moved into the action of pointing out Jesus to his captors, he considered it, saw the “reward” of thirty pieces of silver, and decided to betray his Lord.

HUSBAND and I have talked incessantly about how the betrayals happened within our marriage. The last affair began immediately following his HS reunion. As we were standing toward the exit, talking with another couple and preparing to leave, HUSBAND’s body jolted a bit and I glanced over, only to notice someone had bumped into him. It was a non-moment, a non-event with a non-descript person that I hardly noticed. But as HUSBAND turned to say “I’m sorry,” he now tells me that there was a fleeting moment of eyes meeting eyes that went beyond two old friends. I didn’t see it, or sense it, or have any idea it had happened. The next morning, HUSBAND sent a brief text…are you heading back to Atlanta…and SW answered…why…what do you have in mind…

The affair began.

BUT…what HUSBAND now sees is that isn’t really true. The affair began with his own inner pain and personal disdain, with small thoughts and little justifications and tiny moments for the months prior. It began with HUSBAND rejecting the good that was us and making us bad so that he could seek the bad and make it good. It wasn’t thirty pieces of silver that his whore offered him, but it was a quick path to momentary pleasure of the body and mind that led straight to a deep plunge into destruction. And he had sold out to the lies along the way long before he accepted the trade, long before he did away with the journey of the real for the mimicry of the false.

Circumstances reveal

How wise is the God who reveals the path of betrayal so clearly, both for the betrayed to be able to see they played no role, and for the betrayer to be able to learn his foolishness was his alone. Jesus…so pure and kind…betrayed and laid out for his betrayer…

I am humbled to read this story with new eyes. And to grieve with Jesus with a broken heart. And to thank Him for showing me that betrayal, and death…in a way that only God can make happen…can be a path to freedom, and life.

Freedom

 

 

 

 

22 thoughts on “Betrayal Decided.”

  1. This is beautiful. The one thing that has always bothered me was yes…Judas had a choice but it was also pre-ordained. God and Jesus both knew that it was going to happen…so was it really free will? Or was it just fulfillment of the inevitable?

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    1. Ahhh….Laurel…you go to the complex. I believe love only exists where there is choice, so my answer would be it was his choice, because I believe Jesus is love. That is a mystery…perhaps His ways really are above ours…

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  2. How long was the affair? Is she the last one as well? How does he feel about all of it? You, and other SA survivors are so brave and so strong. Sorry about the questions but I do not know how you have managed the trauma. It is all so unbelievable.

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    1. The last affair was 10 months. There were two other affairs earlier, and one night stands, and porn. I knew nothing (which sounds so incredibly unbelievable now), but it all began to unfold in April, 2014. Thankfully, excellent therapy which recognized it was trauma and treated me with trauma protocol…in addition to IC, MC, a 2-day intensive, training/skills weekend and ongoing support groups for me, HUSBAND and us a couple. Two years ago, I never would have dreamed this would be my life today…but if you read some of my posts, you will see that through the bloody ripping I’ve found unbelievable beauty. HUGS to you.

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  5. I always look forward to your posts.
    Before my husbands last affair which was sexual, there were two other women who he says he was only ‘talking’ to and before this was a profile on a dating site. I told him that before he ever slept with this last woman he had already decided months and months before that he was going to betray our marriage – which is why all he blame shifting hurt so much more because he had made this decision without me – long before he actually had sex with another woman, he had started changing his behaviour, lying building up walls etc, the choice had already been made.

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    1. Yes…my H also. That’s why I found this passage so amazing…there it was, written in black and white and I saw it like never before…betrayers, of all kinds, do decide long before the action takes place. It isn’t US, the betrayed…it is something in them, something they are missing or seeking or lacking. I’m sorry you went through this pain too…but we have survived!

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  6. Savingshards, I sometimes, selfishly, think God made me find you, your story, your sharing because it is a monumental element in my healing. You are so strong, you are so smart. You are so very graceful.

    Easter, this Easter, is a really tough one for me. This is our holiest holiday, yet it is a massive trigger for me – I’ll post about this in more detail in the next day or so. But just yesterday I verbalised this to my phone support group: I will not let my husband take this away from me. This very blessed holiday. There are many things he soiled, but some of these things I don’t let go of. Places, memories, and yes, Easter, too. Trigger it is, there is much, much more to it, for me as a believer. And now you shed a bright light on another aspect of why this is such an important week: how accepting betrayal and loving the betrayer was part of what Christ was, is! Isn’t that what we are working towards? A Christ-like love? This gives me so much strength today. Thank you. Thank you.

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    1. You are a gift to me too! I am so thankful for your honesty…your willingness to walk this dreadful path with integrity and humility…just like Christ. And I am so grateful that God illuminated in bright lights that the decision to betray really was fully, totally and completely on the betrayer…not the betrayed. Then showed us the path to healing through the very steps of Christ Himself. Thank you for giving ME STRENGTH as you walk this journey.

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  7. I love this post so much. My husband and I have had many conversations. In the early days after discovery, he of course wanted to say things like “I didn’t mean for it to happen”, “i don’t know how I got here”, ” I never meant to hurt you”. And the funny/sad thing is? I believe him. Cheaters are people he had abhorred in our twenty-plus years together. Cheating violated his every moral, ethical and religious belief. And yet. He would get so angry when I would use the words “choose” or “chose” in regard to his affair. He wanted so much to believe he actually didn’t “choose” the affair. In turn, I raged when he used verbiage to imply that it just happened. He was walking along, tripped, fell and landed in a huge stinking pile of adultery. It was a defining conversation when he was able to not only see, but acknowledge that he did indeed “choose” it. He chose it when he let her pursue and flatter him. He chose it when he chose to ignore her increasingly flirtatious behavior (believing it harmless). He chose it when he sent that first text back that was over the line. I admit I dug relentlessly at him. I reminded him that he sent her probably hundreds of texts, increasingly flirty and familiar before any physical lines were crossed. When confronted by me about their relationship (she was a ho-worker) he made a choice to lie, and and even worse choice to hide their communication from there on out. I told him he made a thousand tiny choices that led us to where we are.

    If there is ONE thing I wish people could understand about cheating? The start of it is not when you have sex. It happens when you say things to another person you wouldn’t want your spouse to hear. It happens when you lie about how often you talk to another person, or see another person. It happens the first time you delete a text that you don’t want your spouse to read, or you delete your call history because you don’t want your spouse to see you spent two hours talking on the phone with someone you shouldn’t be spending that much time with. Every text that is sent. Every outfit chosen with care because you are going to see “him” or “her”. Each of those things IS a CHOICE. Together they are stepping stones to the destruction of your life. And worse than that, the destruction of your family.

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  10. Wow- I never thought of the Easter story and Judas’ betrayal that way. But you are exactly right.

    The other thing that jumped out at me was when your husband sent that text and she replied, “Why? What did you have in mind?” WHO DOES THAT? Obviously whores do that but my mind is still grappling with that response. I suppose it’s because had I received such a text my response would have been either yes, or no. Yes, I’m heading back, or no I’m not. The end. I sure as heck wouldn’t have been thinking, “Wow- here’s my chance to slip into bed with another woman’s husband. This is going to be soooo romantic!”

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