As you know, HUSBAND revealed a little. Then a little later, he revealed a little more. And a little later, a little more and a little more and a little more until finally all of his revealing was done. All the lies that he had carried and buried and stowed away so carefully for 25 years were out. He felt light and free like he’d never felt before.
But as they left his lips, they hit my ears and wriggled their way in. They traveled through my ears and down my throat and fanned out in my system…some entering my brain and finding nooks and crannies to live and taunt and distort…some piercing my heart and ripping it up into thousands of pieces…some stopping along the way in my esophagus emitting masses of acidity creating a burning so intense…some filtering into my stomach that tried to work hard to get rid of the invader by cramping and growling…some into my intestines where they expanded and my body screamed for release…and the rest traveling down into my lower spine and legs and all the way to my toes that ached and tingled…
He had transferred the filth, and was clean, but I was DIRTY.
When a cheater finally comes clean to his spouse, this is what happens.
Much of the betrayer’s life has been pulled inward to carry out the deception, and even if the affair stops without or before revelation, they are always on guard, fearing that a misspoken word will trip them up. This is how HUSBAND describes it. The freedom he was experiencing was literally euphoric, but I bore the heaviness for him to get to lightness.
A necessary part of the process, and one that I wish I could change for all of us betrayeds. It SUCKS, and the burden is so great, and so present. No relief in sleep as, at first, dreams swirl around and taunt with images and thoughts and alternate endings. No relief as we work and can’t concentrate and fail to meet deadlines and suffer in silence or experience out-of-bound emotions and coworkers think we have lost it (which we have). No relief as we parent our children and look at the image of our betrayer and want to scream out YOUR FATHER IS A FUCKING CHEATER when they receive the love and affection so readily from a man who betrayed not only us but them.
Oh those days – weeks – months were horrific. I nearly broke in two carrying the weight.
Nearly, but not quite. And as my body began to get heal, and to expel the poison and I started standing straighter I found I was taller. And stronger. And I began to see – even though it was the little space right in front of me, that moment – I began to see, and to step into…
Life.
savingshards 
still a long road ahead of you, but you are not lone…
Hufs
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I apologise for the spelling mistakes. Meant it the right way. With a long road ahead of you I meant that it will take time because there is so much there for you to process (many years of stuff). As you described yourself as an A-personality and I know you are a strong and very capable woman, you probably want to get “out of this” and have a life. Be gentle to yourself!
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Thank you…and you are right. There are not many “absolutes” in this journey of the betrayed, but a couple I hold to no matter the circumstances: 1. It is your journey…and there are no absolutes. 2. No time frame for grief. And that grief cycle? Definitely not linear…circular…repeating… 3. Allow yourself to feel, really feel with honesty and 4. Don’t make any decisions, at all, until YOU are ready. But it took this Type A girl a while to realize and accept those things!!!
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well stated 🙂
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you are not alone,
Hugs
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It’s sort of like getting shot. The shooter admits it, feels better at having admitted it and moves right along….meanwhile, we have a bullet hole in us and a scar that will be there forever.
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Wow. Thank you for saying it like that. Brought home a lot to me about people who practice focused destruction.
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It really does help illuminate…thank you Laurel.
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Someone described it as a hole. He climbs out but pushes you in. That’s how it felt to me. Bless you hon for facing LIFE! *hugs*
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So unfair that the cheating husband can feel cleansed, the whore skips along in her happy life and the cheated on wife, who did NOTHING, has to carry the load for everyone. She not only has to find a way to heal herself, but also has to heal her family….. Sucks.
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It is a difficult time. Interestingly, the other woman (yes, I study them via blogs, forums, etc) usually perceives that the husband returns to his happy little life while she (the OW) is shattered. Oh, how little that OW really knows, and understands. But you do, Anna. Thank you.
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A beautiful post. So accurate in your metaphoric descriptions. I remember the look on my H’s face when he realised that Pig Shit had sent me a text informing me of the adultery. His relief was palpable. He could breath. Meanwhile I choked on the reality.
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Oh yes…I can see that…
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Oh Lord yes! He looks at me and sees the weight and feels appalled that he did this. However, after “all this time” he feels cleansed. I do not. He expressed relief that the truth was out there fairly soon after Leanne texted me the truth, six weeks after he ended it. He says he was prepared to take it to his grave. Never telling a soul. That weight was hoisted onto me, and he was freed. He feels he would have never done it again. But years later he admits that without disclosure, how can he be certain? What would happen the next time he was angry with me? Don’t even get me started on how she skips merrily on with her life. Not that it is of any consequence other than my outraged sense of justice.
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It is so odd how the OW believes that we (the betrayeds) have no circumstances nor our cheating spouses/partners. Do they seriously believe that? All of us suffering with aspects of PTSD, desperately confused and hurt, trying to figure out options that may or may not be…and our partners…eventually (maybe) realizing their filthiness and dealing with the pain they’ve wrought…knowing there really is no way to ever make it up. No circumstances? Just live one day in my life…or any of my sisters and brothers of betrayal…
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I don’t for a moment believe she thinks there are no consequences for me, or “us” – but maybe she does. The reality is, this woman (for want of a better word) doesn’t care. Not a jot. She ticks almost everything off any checklists identifying sociopaths. She. Just. Doesn’t. Give. A. Damn. In fact, I believe she would enjoy my agony. She is that selfish and unkind. Her win. So I don’t let her see it. Fuck her and the whore she rode in on! He honestly is surprised I am still so damaged. And he knows he shouldn’t be. After over twenty years of deep and true love and partnership, knowing my background, he now wonders why he thought if caught I would either leave abruptly, or brush it off. He didn’t even know me! His explanation last night, “I wish I could take it all back, so much. I see this agony and I can’t undo it. You handled so much shit in your life, so much shit in OUR lives. I guess the dumb c I was then just saw you as strong. Steelhard strong. I don’t know why. You’ve always been so soft, loving and caring with that strength. I guess this was the thing. The only thing that could break you. Go me. I broke a bloody amazing woman because I had a moment. Arsehole that I was.”
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He hasn’t broken you. He hasn’t. You are even more beautiful and strong than before. You may not see it, yet, but we do. I do. I am grateful for you.
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I am broken. Not destroyed entirely. But there are very deep cracks. I view them somewhat like my pregnancy stretchmarks. Tiger stripes. Part of who I am today. Doesn’t mean I want them. Just that they are what they are.
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Taller and stronger- I really, truly hope so because a year later the weight of it all is still crushing me. It’s so unfair- they chose to take on the weight, we never did but we carry it so much longer and the weight is so much greater because it was thrown into us by our husbands.
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Oh Kaye…it is so heavy, isn’t it? And we did not ask for it… But you are STRONG, and BRAVE. HUGS.
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What ow blogs etc do you visit?
I most definitely feel like I’ve been left with a coat of smelly slime on me I can’t wipe off. Like husband took it off himself because he couldn’t handle it laid it all on me. And now it I can’t get away from it ever. She’s always there, infecting the marriage – I didn’t even know her, nor would she and I have ever crossed paths. But now when we have sex she’s present.
I didn’t ask for this. I’m ashamed of my marriage, embarrassed that for a while he compared the 2 of us and she came out ahead, not proud if my husband. When he touches me I cringe. When he compliments me, I figure it’s so he can make himself feel better. Everything is suspect because of the slutty smelly slime. I’m in a super bad mood today. Obsessive and interrogative. Not my style.
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You’re allowed to be in a super bad mood, and to be obsessive and interrogative. Even though it isn’t your style, it may be an important step for you NOW, HERE. I completely understand the smelly slime, the presence in the bedroom, and elsewhere. How far out are you from learning of infidelity in your marriage?
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I was told ea on New Year’s Eve of 2013, told me it was a pa on our 19th anniversary 2014, 9 mos later. So I guess I’m around 18 mos. there were major life changes, including a preplanned move away from the scene of the crime 7 mos ago – I couldn’t start to heal until we were physically removed because I was in a state of hyper aware alertness – we lived in a big city and she worked walking distance from my house. I stalked her Twitter to know where she was and would stay home. Often she’d be in a restaurant not 15 ft from the front door of my shop. It was torture, I just never knew f she was following me or not – i got weir datebook and LinkedIn shit and had to change or delete everything. She’s the classic subtle manipulator, she would have bee
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Been incredulous if I’d told her to get away, feigning innocence. So I really have only had 7-8 months of peace, and I think it’s bubbling up now. The affairs been over for almost 3 yrs. everyone’s over it but me at this point. I guess it’s a bad week.
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What an incredibly awful experience. You are amazing to be where you are. Your healing is happening at the right pace for YOU…and because of the added trauma and presence and stalking…it hasn’t been three years for you. You sound like an amazing woman to have persevered through so much pain…I’m glad you are here, and hope to get to know you better. HUGS – big hugs.
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Well said.
I remember husband telling me he felt a weight lifted when he told the OW it was over. Thanks for putting that weight then on me husband. Now I carry the pain, hate, visions, etc. Forever…
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Forever, do you feel like it would have been better for you If he had not disclosed?
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Sixpencejp, No it would not have been better honestly. I can look back and I’m glad he told me. It just sucks to be the one left to muddle through the bullshit of his affair.
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There were times, moments I wish I could roll back and not know. That @sixpencejp would just have stopped the last affair and I never would have known, moving back into our lives oblivious of the reality. But not now. Not since we have continued on our painful journey…that has ultimately led to MY freedom. I hope this for you too. HUGS.
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This is exactly how I felt on DDay #2 when he read his long awaited 10 page apology letter to me…that was actually his LOVE STORY with OW. It listed all of his and her emotions from the moment they had met up to D Day #1. How after only 2 months of being together they had said “I LOVE YOU” to each other…how they tried to break up several times before but she kept sucking him back in and he had missed her. Then the big reveal – how he went to The Maldives (hence why I call it D Day #2). I felt like he felt so much better now that he got it out and off of his back..placed.right onto mine. for us Bs’s that choose to stay…IT truly is so unfair that we are strong enough to remain committed and loyal and now have to be stronger for them and their weakness and carry the pain of their sins with all of their hurtful details…on our backs, in our minds and hearts till the day we die(…or get amnesia). Get help to deal and live it within us…and on top of all of this…hold it together for our own sake, our family’s sake and our DH’s sake. Wonder Women that we are.
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I like that. Yes. Wonder Women that we are. Don’t forget it, SC. HUGS
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