in Affair recovery, Infidelity, Marriage, Marriage recovery, Uncategorized 796 Words

Going Back In Order To Go Forward.

Resolutions. Made with fanfare, broken in silence.

It seems that the habit of some of us humans is to make grandiose gestures of great promise, then to quietly walk away from any direction that may take us closer to realizing those dreams. At least that has been my habit. Over, and over, and over.

New Year’s Eve/Day is such a profound example of this, and we do it year after year. We make our declarations, and within days, weeks…or if we are one of the real persistent ones, months…we have broken our intentions of loving more authentically or eating more healthy or exercising more regularly or or or or… Why? Why do we repeat this ritual despite it not bearing the fruit we pretend to desire?

Maybe one of the problems is we fail to reflect back before we try to move on. If you consider physical laws, it takes backward pressure to launch forward…a runner rocks back slightly before the sound of the gun, a basketball player bends his knees downward before he leaps in the air, the quarterback draws his arm backward before launching the ball in a pass.

I know for me, when I began the journey of betrayed spouse, I was immobilized. For the first time ever in my life, my type A personality was completely shut down. Frozen. I had no earthly idea how to do anything other than breathe, and even that was difficult. Then, I was compelled by something bigger than me and I looked back. No…I really LOOKED BACK, trying to see not what I thought I had seen, but what was really there. Slowly, it began to unravel…as one layer peeled off, I looked into the face of the man that had shared my life for 27 years and realized I had no idea who he was. The man I thought I knew could never ever do the things this man had done. I LOOKED back, and questioned every part of my life, gathered all the pieces of the puzzle that I could find and began to try to put it back together. So much of it was tarnished, and chipped, and off-kilter…but I couldn’t see that before…but I could see it now…

Painful. Excruciatingly painful to look back with new eyes, revealed eyes.

They say we know. Other women declare that we must know they are fucking our husbands. One of the women I follow said recently that she goes to a counselor who’s been dealing with infidelity for over 35 years and THE WIFE ALWAYS KNOWS.

No. I. Did. Not. Know.

I would not have been afraid to confront. I would not have quietly stayed in my marriage knowing my husband was a cheater because I was afraid or needed his financial support or thought the kids would be better off or any other reason.

I stayed in my marriage because I never dreamed that he could or would cheat on me, and if things were tense or there was space in our relationship, I believed it was life, and we were life, we were married, we were in it together. Relationships ebb and flow, good times/bad times, intimate times/disconnected times. It literally never remotely occurred to me that my husband contacted, called, texted, video messaged, met with, slept with, planned with, dreamed with another woman. Ever. Even writing these words now takes my breath away, because it is hard for me to believe.

Before I knew of infidelity, I stayed in my marriage even in hard times because I loved him.

So…looking back…there are so many missing pieces. I can’t even complete the edges, put the border together, because the very foundation of the person I was married has holes. Initially, I became desperate to figure out those gaps, desiring to understand what the picture REALLY looked like, and I sat in that place for a long time.

I am not desperate anymore, although some of the pieces have not been easy to find, and honestly, there are still holes that I want to fill.

shattered-heart-1

So on the threshold of a New Year, I will continue to look back, but am also moving forward. I’ve learned that for me, I want to know – I want to confront – I want to look at the good, bad and ugly – and I want to dream in real-color of what the future can be. That is what I am looking forward to in 2016, as odd as it sounds: grasping in truth the missing pieces that I need to be whole, and creating the more beautiful future in which I play a role in shaping the puzzle pieces.

I hope, for you, an astounding 2016.

47 thoughts on “Going Back In Order To Go Forward.”

  1. I’m another one of those wives who didn’t know. It was inconceivable to me that Loser was dishonorable…but the more I reflect and “see” the past, it is almost scary when I DO look back….and wonder why I stayed with him even before I found out that he was a lying, cheating scumbag. It sure wasn’t for love so it had to have been for money. That begs the question…am I really no better than his WTC?
    I hope you find the missing pieces and do indeed create a more beautiful future.
    Happy New Year! Hugs.

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    1. No better than WTC? That’s NOT TRUE. You didn’t know he was a lying cheating monger – she did. Over the next months, I’m going to unpack the journey of reflection for me, for HUSBAND, for our children. Ultimately and eventually, for us. It has not been easy, but for me, it has been necessary. You have deeply explored your past, looked at the hurt and pain. I hope you move into your beautiful future, dear Laurel. It is there…waiting for you. HUGS back 🙂

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      1. It may be a worn out analogy but it still works……Peeling off layers of an onion makes you cry, but there is no other way to get to the core…….I hope that you find lasting peace in this new year.

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      1. I was tired. LOL. But, really, I knew I couldn’t stand him for years and years. As long as he didn’t try to touch me I was okay. I guess there was a sort of comfort with him…as long as he kept his hands to himself…or whatever WTC he happened to be screwing at the time.

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  2. Based on your definition of your husband’s family he learned a coping mechanism of hiding feelings and lying. Children do what they can in toxic families to survive. He knows in his heart that cheating is wrong but something about that made him feel special, or different. I doubt it had anything to do with his love for you. Lying probably comes easily to him now. He’s going to have to unlearn his default mode. Has he explained why he allowed this relationship to go as long as it did? People don’t keep hitting themselves on the finger with a hammer because it hurts. He got something out of that relationship. Whatever it was he was willing to lie to you repeatedly to keep it going. He may resent anyone that he perceives as having power over him. Because you are a type A personality you fit that person. This man desperately needs EMDR because things are set in concrete in his brain and he’s going to have to use a counselor to help him blast them out of there. I am guessing that lying, plotting and cheating gave him a false sense of power over you. You can thank his parents for that “gift”.

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    1. At his first support group meeting, someone asked him a question. He started to answer, and then said he didn’t know how NOT to lie. The facilitator said That’s RIGHT…and this will be a safe place to begin to learn how to tell the truth. You nailed it…and thankfully, our team did too. So goes the journey, right? HUGS!

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  3. I absolutely didn’t know either. I did feel ‘the shift’ that something was wrong – like you I blamed it on life, kids, work stress. Cheating never occurred to me it was not even in the equation, until I checked his phone bill and saw a certain number, several times a day and particularly late at night for hours – even then I didn’t believe. Didn’t want to believe – even after I uncovered more proof I didn’t want to believe. Maybe that’s what they mean – not that we (betrayed spouses) know but more that we don’t want to believe and some are in denial for a long time.
    Wishing you all the best for 2016 xx

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    1. My HUSBAND was an adept liar who used lies as a way of life. Big lies, little lies that before all this exploded, I didn’t even “see” as lies. It kept me off balance all the time on all things, so NORMAL was wonky. I seriously did not question anything related to another woman – no hint at all – and very adept diversions – until I got the anonymous email. As I wrote, I thought it was a joke…immediately printed it and took it to him because it was so absurd. In a rare moment of honesty, he looked at me after reading it and said IT IS TRUE. Of course, he then lied about what the email MEANT, but that email was the start of my digging…questioning…etc…and eventually the lies all tumbled down. Damn…even now writing about this is hard. Wish you the best too. HUGS.

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  4. What a terrible thing to say to a betrayed spouse. More fucking blame! We must be a special kind of stupid to stay, KNOWING that the partners we adored were cheating on us. That kind of blanket treatment of people by counsellors and therapists is what steers me clear of many! Yes, you can note patterns and trends, but no, not ALL of us knew. Bullocks to that guilt trip! 😤

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      1. Most women know, but no one specifies what they know, and whether it is knowing, or “being afraid for”. Many women who are loyal themselves and who trust their husband are very good people. They trust, because they can be trsuted themselves!

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      2. Many women do know that their partner has some questionable boundaries when it comes to other people. As they trust their husband, they do not question it or investigate it further. When they ask a question and are deceived, they accept the answer. I have found that many women know some of the behaviors and after they find out the entire dirty part, those behaviors fit into the entire saga.
        “I did not know that my husband had rendez vous” with these women”, and actually had planned to have sex with them”, is what I often hear. These women are numb and in shock…as THAT they did not know. As they are loyal, respectful, and loving people, they do not see the lies…Those who pick up on lies fast, are often not the trust worthy ones themselves…
        On thing is sure…all will be different after finding out about the betrayal…A different perspective. Women who can stay as their husband wants to do the work, are so much wiser. Unfortunately, it is the type of wisdom, you wish you did not need to have.

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  5. I had no idea. So blindsided. The thing is we took vows, and you assume total trust in your other half. So why would we look for the lies and the betrayal?

    The hardest thing for me now is that he is being truthful and he is sharing, but I have such a hard time believing him. He’s finally become the person he was before (or needs to be now), but I cannot stop myself from looking for something. I’ve been knocked down so many times, it’s hard to believe that things are totally on the up and up. I believe him, but it’s so hard to stop myself now. I guess I’m making up for the months that were full of lies.

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    1. It is the hardest thing. And it is the consequence for their lies and cheating…I DO NOT APOLOGIZE now when I have doubts, when I need “proof” or verification. And you shouldn’t either. If you need to look, go ahead. When you’re ready, you’ll stop. HUGS to you.

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      1. Doubt and mistrust is a very healthy, normal human reaction to being betrayed. Having trust used against you. My partner knew this immediately on Dday and offered transparency. All ‘privacy’ was surrendered. As he said, he’d proven himself untrustworthy and in order to try to regain any of that, he had to work hard to try to EARN it. It is not a given, or a right. And he gave away something precious. He instinctively knew this straight away. (He was cheated on in his early 20’s.) Phone, Internet, personal location! He checked in constantly. Not by my request. In fact I eventually (after a period of several months of heightened vigilance – my marriage police period!) said to him that I had no desire to live that way. Constantly checking up. Too emotionally exhausting! But he kept everything open and occasionally, for a year or two, I would pick up his phone, etc. But I couldn’t live that way long term. Thankfully. But he has NEVER been defensive or pissed off if I question something now, or look at something ostensibly private. He says he knows 100% accountability is part of what he brought on himself. I had been the most chillaxed partner ever prior to his abusing my total faith in him. He gave that away. By choice. It pisses me off so much as I am not a natural snoop. Never was.

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        1. I wasn’t a natural snoop either. I seriously trusted HUSBAND…never went behind him… When everything blew up and he had the huge AHA of what a lying, abusive, cheating person he really was, he gave me access to anything and everything also. I was astounded when I went back and looked at our phone records and found hours and hours of conversations (initially) between he and his whore. I had never looked at the phone bill – I had never distrusted! But there it was…all before my very eyes…

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        2. Snap! Same. And I paid the bills! My technophobe (including mobile phones) partner was texting the same number over 600 times per month! Fuck! He only texted EVERYONE ELSE PUT TOGETHER about 25 times per month. D’oh! I just never looked. The bill was unchanged as his plan allowed for so much more. I kicked myself for how completely naive and trusting I was. But then I accepted that this is my nature. Part of what he loved about me was that I was chill. Fuck!

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        3. and that is what you need to love about yourself. You are loyal and you trust(ed) people.

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  6. Wow. You somehow managed to pull the exact thoughts and feelings I have in my head and my heart and put them in your post. It’s just incredibly heartbreaking that so many of us have spent the last year trying to come to terms with betrayals that we never even fathomed were possible, and working to repair not only the damage to our marriages, but the damage to our personal selves as well. Wishing all of my sisters and brothers in betrayal a new year of answered questions, improved communication, renewed trust, secure love, perseverance, and most of all, contented and peaceful hearts and minds.

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  8. You have to hate absolutes. Each case is a case. In some cases, yeah, spouses probably know, or suspect… but in others, no. They just lie that good.
    In my story, it took me “just” a handful of months to come to terms that what was wrong with my relationship could actual be an ongoing affair. But, I’m a guy… maybe that makes a difference? You know what they say: “man cheat for sex, women cheat for love” Eh… hmmm… don’t really believe that it’s that basic, but anyway… in my case, I suddenly felt the love vanishing, as it was being shifted towards other person, and with that all other parts of the relationship. So… it was a rather abrupt shift in behavior, and she was in fact in love with the other guy. So, it wasn’t just sex. Or a one night stand. Or… whatever. Guess that, made me realize what was going on rather fast, all things considered. Still, it wasn’t fast enough in my book…

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    1. There are no absolutes in relationships, are there? You have not ignored the reality of your marriage…you may be treading carefully and thoughtfully toward your next steps, but you are also changing your behavior toward WS-right? I really hope for some definition for you in the coming months…HUGS.

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      1. I like to think so. I’ve changed a lot. As such the two of us are in a different place now. It’s a very peculiar spot to be in, but… As served some purpose so far, at least.
        Thanks for your wishes. Wish you all the same too. Hugs.
        Ps: what does WS stands for?

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        1. Wayward spouse. Many use this. Personally (and please no one take offense) I don’t like the term as I feel it minimises what a cheater does/did. Wayward. As in meandered off the path a little. Whoops! I see cheating as a far more active choice and one that has devastating consequences. My opinion only.

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        2. Oh thanks for telling me. New word learned too 😉
          Yeah, under that perspective it does seem to minimize the cheating aspect as just a slip along the path. But I guess it’s just a common expression applied to them.
          Either way, there’s nothing as a little cheating. Though there may be different levels of … intensity? If it’s repeated, if it’s premeditated, if it’s continued, how many lies were told to cover it, how many people knew about it before, how they act upon confrontation … pfff… it’s devastating either way.
          Eh… i guess that term was coined by man excusing other man that waywarded of their marriage? This under a religious society pressuring to keep the sanctity of marriage “intact”? That’s my take on the origin on the expression 🙂

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    2. Well put, Mark. In fact, my partner wasn’t all that interested in his AP for the sex. It was a bonus by-product of an emotional connection he was seeking and believed he had forged. Our first MC said that we were a “reverse gender” couple in many ways, and to not read too many books on gendered reactions as they probably didn’t apply to us. Rog was craving validation and support in the worst period of our relationship. Instead of turning towards me, he turned away and told himself a false narrative about me not caring (justification!) I was battling on, trying to talk to him about what was wrong? I sensed something wasn’t working the way it had/should, and he kept telling me that everything was fine. Lies upon lies.

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      1. Damn. That’s exactly what happen with us too. I remember so well feeling guilty for suspecting that she could be untruthful. Lol…. and the complexity of the lies, the play in words, the web was so intricate that… damn.
        Funny that part of a “reverse gender” couple. I often felt in my relationship to be a couple like that, in reverse roles… well… except when it come to the affair part. That, she took on her expected role like a peach.

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      2. My husband said exactly the same thing, he thought I didn’t love him any more, it was just and excuse for him to justify his actions. I loved him with all of my heart, I had just got pregnant with his child when he started his affair. For me a choice to get pregnant would only be with someone I loved and who I thought loved me back.

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    3. When it is a new behavior, that is what partners notice: an withdrawal emotionally and physically from their partner. Being able to put two and two together as you tell us, still took time. Take care

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      1. Yeah it took me about… 8 weeks? Depends on when you start counting I suppose. Just because you don’t trust your gut instinct at first, and you keep making excuses for you cheating partner.

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  9. So beautifully written and so familiar. As I write out my blog, on which I am bluntly honest and even though mostly anonymous, still incredibly vulnerable, I have been blasted for being in denial and for turning the other cheek. For not accepting my responsibility in the matter of the state of our marriage post d-day. So very very untrue, and so very hurtful.Even in my husband’s therapist’s office, I had to hear the words… “well, those were all signs of a sex addict” as he looked at me as if I should have known or done something. Who would know this? Who? Did I know my husband had a difficult childhood and did I know from the minute I met her that his mother is a narcissist (although I didn’t have proper words to describe it then), yes, and yes. Did I know he had horrible coping skills and that I stepped in at every turn, as a parent, as a business owner, as a life partner, yes, yes, and yes. Did I think my husband would ever knowingly do anything to hurt me, to betray me, to make me feel like my soul had been ripped from my body, NO. I did not know. Only once did I ever find anything truly suspicious and he adeptly lied his way through it and made me believe I was the most important thing in his life when the truth is, his addiction was the most important thing in his life… more important than me, more important than his innocent children. Should they have known that their father was obsessively lying to all of us? I hate that society tries to turn this all around when we are at our weakest. I hate that our husbands lie about us to get what they want. I hate that a selfish absorbed crazy woman called my phone, but I appreciate the fact that my husband is now in recovery. I love that we can be strong in the face of all of that. That we can be loving, kind, and compassionate. Likewise I have been moving forward for some time and I am incredibly proud of myself. From what I read here, you are an amazingly strong woman. I wish us all peace and further healing in 2016. ❤

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    1. Kat…i LOVE your thoughts, your transparency. We did NOTHING wrong in terms of the infidelity choices our husbands made. NOTHING. And some of them are (as HUSBAND says) “master liars.” He lied so adeptly that I would apologize for even questioning, and he would graciously forgive me (and I’m not talking about woman-fucking-cover-lies). It is awesome that your husband is now in recovery, and I’m incredibly grateful for that too. You have so much to be proud of, and you are such a source of inspiration for me. Yes! Further, continued healing and peace in 2016!

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  10. This! Yes. I once questioned. Interrogated even. But his story was so utterly convincing that I thought I was a truly horrible person for asking! I completely forgot my suspicions. I mean completely. In over 20 years at the time, we had been good communicators, open, honest. I truly believed that. He would no sooner lie (like he did!) than deliberately harm an animal! I had NEVER doubted him, or been jealous or wary about him talking to women. And I was right. Until that awful time in his life where I wasn’t.

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  11. The similarities are downright eerie! I think that is part of why I felt so incredibly STUPID and ashamed when everything came crumbling down…seriously…how could I have been so gullible? With “revealed eyes,” I now see the patterns and manipulations and how he played me. No more. NO MORE.

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  12. I think that we judged our husbands by our own standards. I know I am not capable of ever doing the things that mine did. I do think that we are a product of our upbringing and in my husbands case I think that this has been reflected in his behaviour. I feel like I was sold a lie when I married him and this is the real him, the liar, the cheater and not the loving husband I thought I had. I did know something was wrong, I even confronted him a few times but he just made up lies to throw me off track. I just had to find the evidence so he couldn’t lie any more. Really hope 2016 is a better year for us all

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    2. I did the same. I could never hurt my children and him by doing something like that and I truly thought that he was the same. He always stressed that he would never…but he so easily stepped into it!

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