That best friend.

The collateral damage from betrayal is an odd an inconsistent thing. As the months wore on in New Marriage History, there were additional peripheral discoveries that sliced off little pieces of my heart and forced responses.

The life-long best friend of HUSBAND had planned a visit to our home while the last affair was in progress. We had traded dates, and shared excitement at his upcoming visit. The trip included fishing with HUSBAND and two of our sons. At the last minute, it was interrupted due to a serious illness within best friend’s family. During the year of the affair, best friend intermittently sent me encouraging facebook messages which I happily responded to.

HUSBAND had promised me that no one knew of his affairs…any of the affairs…NO ONE, ANYTIME. Anyone who has been cheated on understands the multiple layers of pain and of shame and of embarrassment and of anger and of disbelief and of so many other things. I took comfort that no one knew…that at least HUSBAND had kept his filth to himself.

But…HUSBAND told me that he HAD let best friend know that our marriage was in a tough place, and he wasn’t sure we were going to make it. Per HUSBAND, he had asked best friend about his divorce and best friend had STRONGLY encouraged him to work out our marriage at all costs…that divorce SUCKS and that “we could work through anything.” I was grateful for best friend’s support of our marriage, and sent him a facebook message saying “I know HUSBAND shared we had been going through a tough time. Thank you for your faithfulness…for being a rock for him in hard times…for your encouragement. Not sure if it’s possible, but we are trying to work toward reconciliation…” He’d responded with words of warmth and reassurance about our love for each other, and our future. I was thankful for best friend.

A couple weeks later, out of the clear blue, best friend sent HUSBAND an email suggesting HUSBAND come up for a visit for a few days…to get away and get his head cleared. He even went so far as to say that he would pay for the flight, and that he wouldn’t “corrupt HUSBAND’s morals.” Here came that niggling feeling again…

So predictably, over the next few weeks, it came out that best friend was a confidante for HUSBAND’s slime, a safe place for both HUSBAND and SW to go with their thoughts, feelings and plans for the future. That best friend was the one who “sent HUSBAND that shirt” and willingly became the standard cover. That best friend, opening a new company, had invited HUSBAND and me to attend the festivities and let HUSBAND know if I could not attend, SW was welcome too. SERIOUSLY? That best friend was sending me sweet little facebook messages and planning to come stay at my home and go fishing with my sons and meanwhile, that best friend was complicit in the fucking AFFAIR my husband was having with the slut-whore? GOD IT JUST DOESN’T END! The pain of betrayal RIPPED through my entire being all over again. HUSBAND had allowed me to, not only believe that best friend was supportive of our marriage, and an encouragement when HUSBAND was in the dark-fantasy fog of affairdom, but he sat right there and let me send him a thank you. A THANK YOU.

The utter and complete humiliation of it all. The SHAME cloaked me in a bizarre combination of guttural despair and bellicose fury. Somehow this went beyond just the abhorrent indignation of my own betrayal, it now involved best friend and his willingness to be part of my life, our family’s life, while harboring the dark secret of treachery. Oh. The pain.

That best friend. Collateral damage.

 

 

 

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40 thoughts on “That best friend.

  1. One more thing that has been bothering me

    If that hypocrite (I am sorry if I use strong words. I guess that is me) does not know about the affair between your husband and SW, how come he knows SW?

    And did your h had a change of mind when he stayed with that hypocrite ?

    So far, did the SW try to contact your H? I hope not.

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    1. H, SW and best friend all went to high school together. She actually told best friend a couple months in to the affair via text…and best friend forwarded her text to husband saying “What?” Husband acknowledged the affair and the mutual feelings between them, and best friend agreed to be the cover. So best friend LIED TO ME and knew about the affair almost from the beginning. Hypocrite is too mild a word for how I feel about him. Yes…SW tried to contact H via a word game they played, phone calls (now her number is blocked), emails, facetime and through best friend (what a surprise). Best friend actually sent husband an email saying “need to tell you something that is important to you…on the down low…” By that time, Husband was sharing all emails with me and when I saw it, husband called best friend…on speaker…with me there. Best friend said SW had called him and was desperate to know that Husband had, indeed, loved her…right? Come to find out that when best friend invited Husband up to visit for a little R & R, it was actually going to be a chance for Husband and SW to see each other face to face…where I PRESUME she was going to try to get him to return to her… This whole thing MAKES ME ILL to remember.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have a problem “best friend” in my life, too. I refer to him as “Mr. Alibi ” on my blog. We had been friends with him, his wife, and his entire family (fro his parents on down) for 25 years. H is convinced he still needs him in his life, but yet won’t allow me to discuss his involvement as the alibi, facilitator, and friend to the OW with him. It simply sucks.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Sunshine…this would DEVASTATE me. Our counselor suggested that the friendship (over 30 years long) stop immediately, for my safety, my sanity, my recovery. He is the one who spoke to us of “collateral damage,” and that we, actually HE, needed to accept it – or live with the consequences of THAT choice. I pray your husband will move toward transparency in this area. HUGS to you…

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    1. Our counselor agrees with that thinking, however we can both see that H isn’t giving Mr Alibi up so easily. The counselor has offered his office to provide a “safe place” to have the conversation between us in case H thinks I’m going to be launching some sort of attack, and Mr. Alibi has volunteered to talk with me as well, but so far H has refused. Right now they have limited contact – he hasn’t seen or spoken to him on the phone for nearly 2 months, but they are most likely still texting. I’d rather be aware of what they are up to rather than have him taking it underground. I just want an opportunity to bring everything out in the open. Like everything else in this situation, it’s very unfair.
      I hope things get better for you, too.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I did confront him…and it was in the moments of shock and disgust so it wasn’t so kind. Husband has had no contact with best friend since. At least, not that I know of. I find it difficult to trust someone who proved to be such a proficient liar for so long…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope for ur sake and his he is telling you the truth and has no contact with this guy. You know, ok I get it, he is/was your H bff, but to help him out and on top of that he had the nerve to send you encouraging messages! wtf! I’m sorry- if my bff is doing something shady and shitty l won’t be a two face lier and go to the person being harmed and selling them a fake story nor fake sympathy. What a jerk!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t get it. I am quite certain my husband will be complicit with friends too. I have one in mind who is probably up to his ears lying for my Cheater. But I don’t think I will blame him, not nearly as much as I blame my cheater. If you give your husband a second chance, and he’s the one who’s dick has been falling into others vaginas… How can you not also be open to forgiving the friend? Innocent bystander he is not. Collateral damage implies he was not really at fault- he knew what he was doing and covered for his bro. Currently, my besty is ready to do anything for me and is happy to lie like a madwoman for me- based on me telling her that he is a cheater. It is different, but I have people I love enough to hide bodies for. Sometimes that prevents us from acting rationally. I think he is being awful for offering to arrange things and helping the OW after all this disclosure… And that’s on him. But I still don’t trust your husband either and he may feel he’s doing his bro a solid. This all gives me a pit in my stomach. I’m just waiting for post Christmas, when cheater gets a job, then I can be free of him, and stole this gross charade

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I understand where you are coming from, and can only answer from my heart. I am not trying to make a rule book, but for me, friends don’t encourage you in behavior that takes you to a lower place, or allows you to live a duplicitous life and potentially harms you and those that you have claimed to love (ok…maybe not the wife, but what about the KIDS???). If best friend had told him to get some marriage help or to get divorced, that would have been one thing…but to be the safe place of lies and betrayal for him, and proactively reach out to be friendly with me (Hi there! How are things going? You and Husband have big plans for Christmas?) AND be friendly with SW (sorry…wasn’t privy to those conversations but based on his with me, I can only imagine) doesn’t seem like he was really a friend to anyone. And certainly NOT a friend to our marriage. I don’t blame best friend for Husband’s actions or choices, but I do blame him for not holding best friend to the values and standards Husband professed…to being the best man he could be…and still calling himself a friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I have been following your blog and am finding it so compelling because of your intense honesty. I remember when I found out who knew about my husband’s affair and kept it from me (She told me she would have informed me of the affair if she felt I needed to know and was trying to “protect” me, but the truth is her loyalty was only to my husband as her boss). Needless to say I felt as you did, shame magnified. I am forced to still have a (limited, awkward) relationship with her but she absolutely lost any hope of me confiding in her again, or seeing her as anything more than one of my husband’s employees. I think collateral damage is a good way to describe relationships that need to be severed because of complicity. As you well know, it is difficult enough to rebuild trust with one’s spouse…adding others who have betrayed you is too high a price in my opinion.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I did have the luxury of not HAVING to engage with best friend since he lives several states away. I am grateful for that… The statement that the person made to you about “she would have informed (you) of the affair “if she felt (you) needed to know…” WHAT IS THAT? If you needed to know? So are there degrees of betrayal, and some are not worthy of knowing about, or won’t hurt or what? This is one of those oddities about betrayal and friends and acquaintances, etc. I would handle the knowledge of a person’s affair very differently now than I would have before I found out I was married to a cheater, so perhaps she is in that same place.

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  6. There is a big difference between a BFF who is there for you when you need to share problems and ask advice and a so called BFF who acts as your pimp. Your husband without being told should know that if the whore is now off limits so is the pimp. The audacity of this POS non friend to let you thank him for his help and kindness is unbelievable…….Please tell me he had the balls to ask your forgiveness.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh Anna…I love you and your incredible support. This is what I think too…sort of boils down to what a friend is for me. And a friend ISN’T the person who sits by and helps you be a total and complete liar, cheater and fuck-up. YES! It DID feel like best friend was his pimp. NO…he never did ask for forgiveness. Never admitted to any wrong doing on his part, but did wish us well in our marriage. There’s that, I guess…

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  7. @ sixpencjp……Just curious…how did you feel when the thank you was going out from your wife? Not trying to be nasty, just trying to understand what a cheating husband feels about things like this.

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  8. I had a family member whose wife cheated and deserted him and his children. It was awful. The children paid a terrible price and so did their father. I found Chump Lady blog(for people who do not reconcile) and that took me to blogs like yours. It gave me the ability to be proactive when I learned of an affair of someone I am close to. I said, “Either you tell or I will.” The betrayed chose to leave the marriage. I do not feel guilty. Even though the cheater is sorry now the decision to cheat was on him.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I never knew that my life was part of this politely ignored, but rampantly abundant lifestyle. I believe that one of the reasons it has continued to be so common is because it lives in the dark. KUDOS to you for your courage to say something. I found out when an anonymous writer sent me an email that I first thought was a joke…but it lead to truth. I thank that brave soul EVERY DAY.

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  9. Lies breed lies. I was trying to be honest about most of my shit, but unwilling to give up everything. After all there was so much I was hiding that I had pledged many times to myself that I would die without disclosing. My friend was part of the network of lies I still clung to. I conveniently rationalized this right up to the point of emotionally breaking. I was a animal backed into a corner with my lies, everything was unraveling. I had a choice succumb to my default and walk away from my wife and kids a cheater and a liar and keep my pride intact, or take a risk. The risk that the truth was the only way to salvage the things most dear to me (more dear than I even realized then). The truth was the only way to shake the infinite loop of lies. The truth set me free. I have found relationships with my wife and kids I did not even dream were possible. Relationships which were not possible the way I believed a life had to be led, filled with deceit, secrets and affairs. Relationship that are possible with honesty and integrity. I’ll never be perfect, but I try every day to be the best husband and father I can be. My past is always there, but it does not define me.

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    1. Thanks for the reply…glad to know you found your balls again, not all men do……” I had a choice, walk away from my wife and kids a cheater and a liar and keep my pride intact”…….How could deserting your family to run off with your adultery partner make you prideful? When this happened in my family (his leaving with the whore), I often wondered how he can live with himself. How do these men sleep. .. How can you guys even get it up with the cracking sound from your wife’s heart pulsating in your ears…….PRIDE????? ……Not attacking, just honest thought and conversation.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. I went through something similar. My husband paraded his whore around two close friends (whom also happen to have questionable morals when it comes to marriage). He took the Section 8 Slut to one of the friends houses on at least one occassion I know of and introduced her as his “girlfriend” yet no one batted an eye. The other scumbag accompanied my husband and the whore on a day at the beach, then even got her illegitimate child she birthed at age 14 presents. Disgusting. This guy was the best man at our wedding. I have banned both from our home. I know my husband still communicates with them but thanks to his antics and their ability to condone infidelity while smiling to my face he rarely sees them. I heard a term shortly after DDay “enemies of the marriage” that has stuck with me. Rebuilding a marriage after infidelity is a daunting task as it is, the inclusion of those who do not support or respect your marriage is a cancer on the recovery process so those people need to just disappear. xoxo

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    1. I think giving presents to some poor soul who ended up with these people as role models is really the only saving grace these guys had. I don’t think that part of the experience damages the other woman’s character to me, 14 is young, but mistakes happen even to Bristol palin. Whatever, bygones and choices. That said- a kid is a kid,
      They deserve every chance- they are the one person who had absolutely no choice in this story. But the rest of this is terrible.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Honestly I really couldn’t care less about this awful “friend” doing charity. Had he found this child on the street and given her a new wardrobe directly, fine so be it. I do have a problem with the fact that he was gifting my husband’s whore (even if the gifts were meant for her child he had never met). The act in itself implies an allegiance to the whore, and acceptance of the whore, a betrayal to me and my marriage and demonstrates that he condoned the infidelity. Also, you are right, mistakes do happen… .except this kid wasn’t a mistake. The whore planned to get pregnant at 14 and now encourages her 12 year old to do the same. I have no issue with this kid. I feel sorry for her that she was born to this type of mother and will not be afforded the opportunity to end the cycle.

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  11. My heart breaks for the child who is growing up in such a ridiculous situation, but I am with you Raven. I can’t muster up any warm and fuzzies for the asshole who does good while doing bad. It would feel like an alignment with the whore’s life for me, also, and a clear condoning of the illicit relationship between her and YOUR HUSBAND.

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  12. One thing I learned from my own experiences is that common friends often are aware and take sides on these affairs. In my story, best friends only served to fortify her cheating affair as a valid path to pursue. “enjoy it“ they said. Eh…… So, all in all, your husband best friend might have played a somewhat positive role on it all. Besides, for the friend itself it’s also a very tough spot to be put on because of your husbands stupid actions.
    Hold on. Keep strong. It hurts like hell, but none of it was your fault. Your not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. WOW! Tough one. I have since learned of a phrase that has helped me tremendously. Anything my wife says I assume automatically it’s a lie. Point blank. The only time it’s not a lie, is if it can be independently verified and validated by either empirical data/evidence or a 3rd party not connected in any manner to the situation of my choosing.

    I wrote a post about it. https://thepoweroflightandtruth.wordpress.com/2014/04/08/why-affair-partners-are-pathological-liars-and-why-this-matters/

    This also applies to wayward spouses.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahhh….read the post. Yes, the lies are incredible. Thank you for reading and I’ll read up more on your blog – how are things now? I love the name of your blog…because this stuff does belong in the light!!

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      1. Thanks! I think the name “The Power of Light and Truth” is so appropriate because it’s exactly where the Truth belongs – in the Light. When we keep indiscretions locked away, remain silent, tell no one, it allows lies, deceit, betrayal to fester and grow. Once we expose it to our friends, family, friends, and expose the affair partner to his wife/husband, friends, family and workplace directors it lets people know of the truth of whats occurring vs the lies that they invariably have told their partners, friends, and family. But more important that letting the truth be known – it acknowledges the truth to ourselves and those who love us, and it makes us safe to those tho care for us, to surround us and support us through a difficult time.

        Things right now have gotten much better. She is still making progress but struggles at times with empathy and seeing things through my eyes. It lesson in patience and repetition on my part – there are days where I sometimes feel I don’t have the strength to constantly repeat the same issues, and how to place ones self in another persons shoes before speaking. I sometimes I question her professional abilities at work – if it’s anything like her personal abilities I wonder why she isn’t fired – because she seems to have a very very steep learning curve and retaining new concepts. Imagine that translating into a work environment – where you boss has to constantly repeat him/herself to you multiple times, the same thing….over and over and over again!

        She is taking 2 steps forward and one step back. So at least there is forward progress. Nothing is guaranteed – and she knows this – it’s all on her to repair what was broken – and optimism in our future together lies solely on her shoulders and her effort. This has allowed me to heal and regain a sense of normal, and understand the impact that her actions has caused to me, family and friends.

        There is however hope, she constantly repeats that the damage caused to our relationship and the relationships of her friends and family was not worth the sexual relationship with her affair partner. That insight is positive factor – but it’s hard for me to discern if it’s motivated by a true internal struggle with her morals and values or a result of her new found understanding of how many relationships she broke, including her own marriage and home.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. HUSBAND and I believe now that light illuminated is incredibly important. It was important in the beginning to understanding the scope of deception, and it continues to be important to our healing and future. Are you and your wife getting any counsel…in any support groups, etc?

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        2. Not in any support groups – but the one thing has been consistent counseling.
          We got lucky and on the first session the counselor was amazing and calling out the BS and really focusing on core issues and taking responsibility for actions without deflecting.

          Are you in any counseling? You seem to be much further along in the healing process than I am. I wonder if it’s more difficult for men to heal than women or if a wife’s affair is different than husband who have affairs which make it more difficult to recover.

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        3. We have done counseling, yes. In the beginning, it was weekly or more. We also did a two-day, twenty-hour intensive with our therapist and just the two of us. We then attended a focused skills-based 3-day weekend with 8 other couples and got one-one-one support on the skills. We participate in support groups (Husband in two men’s groups, me in one spouse support group and one couple support group). HUSBAND and I now coach couples ourselves and will typically have 3-4 couples we are working with at any given time. All of these things have helped us TREMENDOUSLY to continue our healing, and to dig deep…and never forget…

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