Digging really does matter. For me.

After the confession of May 13, including the unbelievable admission that HUSBAND had fucked someone when we’d been married merely two years (but NEVER any contact or other dalliances between that and the affair of the prior ten months) I went into high gear. I now had a picture in my mind that my young marriage had been scarred by a one-night stand with an old high school whore…HUSBAND had repented and devoted himself to me and our family…until the same whore reappeared at a reunion 25 years later. My mind teetered, struggling, trying to figure out if there was any truth in any of his words, in any of our life or MY LIFE for virtually all of my marriage.

I know there is a great debate amongst counselors, the betrayed and certainly the betrayers about the bounds of disclosure – what needs to be told, what is healthy. For me, the truth had to be discovered and uncovered. I wrote questions every day, used my iphone to record them as they came to mind. HUSBAND was incredibly patient, willing to endure the most minute of details that I wanted and needed. He tried to answer honestly, although sometimes claimed he could not remember. Our counselor encouraged meeting me where I was if HUSBAND wanted healing for me and potential healing in our marriage. Initially the questions were the obvious ones, but they transcended to things related to their conversations, and whether he shared intimate details of our daily life, our children’s lives, moments of fun and times together. But was any of that real, or just my illusions of a life?

The way I made sense of it, this desperate need to reconcile life and LIFE was that I had a filmstrip imprinted in my brain, that when I slowed it down, could sometimes see frame-by-frame-by-frame various moments and times. Now, I was realizing, that the filmstrip did not tell the whole story. Instead there was a broader picture, another camera capturing other parts of the set of my life and I needed to see the whole picture. I needed to reconcile the film I knew and could see with what the REAL film showed.

FilmStrips2

I went on a diligent search to gather all our pictures from every frame and nook and cranny…cards…letters…children’s art and notes from camp and programs and awards…what is real…what is not…I researched insatiably, about betrayed spouses and their responses. I saw myself over and over and over again and knew that I was now bound forever into a fraternity of universal devastation and pain with very common responses. The pain was so present, so real, so inescapable yet somehow I kept waking up and going to sleep and it was another day. As patient as HUSBAND was, there were a couple areas that he got defensive about…going through his paypal account…a couple small details that he slightly but consistently recoiled at…and the pit of my soul thought there HAD TO BE MORE.

No. No more, he insisted. I knew it all now.

My questions and digging continued, my begging him to be honest and his promises that he would and that he would not lose patience and that he would do whatever it took to help get us through this and make me whole. This was a literal LIFELINE for me at this point…there was something that seemed to destroy the bond between SW and HUSBAND as he opened up about the details of their relationship to me. Somehow it had less and less power over him and over us – if there could be an us. The more his AFFAIR could be a story that HUSBAND was confident in sharing with me, the less I felt like he was protecting her or holding on to something and the more I could believe that he was not hanging on.

The intimacy between us was unbounded, constant, but seeped pain and tentativeness (if that is a word). I lived those days trying to reach the ground and stop feeling as if I was falling falling falling…tried to hang on to the belief that someday, the pain would deaden some. Tried to believe that maybe one day I wouldn’t think about HUSBAND and SW and promises and talks and plans and sex and pictures and texts and phone calls and distance and memories putrefied and and and and. I begged Lord please heal me. Please heal us. Please deaden the pain. I am so terribly sad and hurt. It is so big. God help me see it isn’t bigger than you.

 

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27 thoughts on “Digging really does matter. For me.

  1. Such sadness. In my ex-relationship, my philosophy was “full disclosure.” Losers’ was “don’t ask, don’t tell.”
    That never makes for even a solid relationship, much less a marriage.
    I hope you can heal. I never have.

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  2. Love this post. This was us. The more he told me the grip on her became less and less. The window was there now for me to see into the affair and brick by brick the wall was going up for her. Yes, he would get angry at some of my questions and there were many long nights of yelling, but the more he divulged the more connected again we became. Then came the day when I broke down and gave the ultimatum, her or us. The next day he told her it was over. I’ll never forget it; May 1st, 2014. The day I knew was the beginning of healing our marriage, but was cautious of if we could really do this after what had happened. I fought so hard in the months leading up to that day he told her it was over and then I was relieved, but scared that we couldn’t fix it after all the tremendous pain he put me through.

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  3. Wow! That is a similar timeline! How long was his affair or when did it start? I’ve read your whole blog but can’t remember.

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      1. Started Feb 18, 2014 ( at least from phone records, they met in training and he got there Feb 8) and ended May 1, 2014. Luckily she lives in another state, but they were making plans for her to move here with the unknowing fiancé and her 8 year old son.

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      2. So it is 24 years’ emotional affair plus one year’s physical affair.

        Maybe your H should go for intense counselling. If it is 25 years long, he would take a long time to come out from the affair, not just one day.

        Stay strong. Be happy and recreate a great Christmas and let it be no. 1 of new marriage.

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        1. As the story unfolded, it was a 5 month affair, no contact after that until 6 months before the second affair with her started 25 years later. In the interim, another year-long affair with a different woman…one night stand…

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  4. My husband’s affair only last about 6 weeks, but it was the longest 6 weeks of my life. I’m certain if she lived in our state things would’ve gone much differently. Yes, I agree her living so far away was the one small thing that I am grateful for. I knew something had happened the minute he got home from that training. When they say trust your instinct, I did and glad that I did. He blew off my questions and me for 2 weeks. He finally sat down with me and asked for a divorce. I was blindsided. That’s my dday; March 24, 2014. So much came out in the next couple weeks. April 1 is another dday, that’s the day I found out they had sex. I stayed calmer then I ever imagined I would. Even with that information I was still willing to work on our marriage.
    She did deceitfully make it here to our state for one night/day. It had been about a month after she left training, and about a week after i found out they had sex. My husband had been home from his training about 4 weeks. I didn’t find out about this until the affair was over. I found her, found her 23 year old fiancé and contacted him. I still got trickle truth from my husband into Sept of 2014.
    I’m in a better place now and so is my husband. He is one lucky man to be given a second chance after the hell he put our family through.

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  5. I don’t think the husband’s realize at the time the damage they are doing by withholding the details we so desperately need. My own H thought he was sparing me further pain (and sparing himself further shame) by being forthcoming with the full truth of his affair(s). What he, and others like him, fail to realize is that the betrayed have been in the dark for so long. Our lives were ripped from us without us even realizing it, let alone having a say in it. We NEED the truth because we need to see the complete picture of was hidden from us for so long. I have explained to my husband so many times that I don’t relish in the details of his vile activities and don’t seek them out to cause myself pain. The pain is simply a byproduct of my need to liberate myself from the lies. I would rather know everything, as painful as that may be, than continue to go around clueless about my own life. Best wishes to you on your journey. You aren’t alone. xoxo

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  6. We also need to know all the facts so we can see exactly what sort of a relationship it was. In my example when I first found out about Betty and that it was a long 8 yr relationship and they said the L word often. I needed to know what went on but I didn’t really know what I needed. H was not that forthcoming with information but if I asked he would tell me. It is quite frustrating because there is so much they did together but what was it really like? I was told all the logistics but it was only very recently that he told me in greater detail of what a typical day was like. He would leave early for work in the city and they would meet for breakfast. They would meet up at lunchtime. As soon as he finished work they would travel to her house. This is where it gets interesting. I asked did she cook you a meal? No. What did you do? They had a glass of wine and if she was in the mood then they would fuck. He would shower and rush home. But then he goes on to tell me that sometimes if she was a bit shitty with him then she would with hold sex and he would then get pissy and leave. They would not talk for a few days then he would always instigate it again when she became weak. She often asked him why does he not leave me and you know what he did? He never in 8 years answered her. She used to get quite drunk sometimes and give him a hard time about not wanting to share him with me and he said he would just leave. Even though they had a few trips away to,Sydney, two trips to,the mountains, one trip to the movies, he cooked for her once there really wasn’t much to show for 8 years was there? I would be annoyed if I had a boyfriend and we spent breakfast lunch wine and a fuck and that was all there was to it. No chill time, no sleepovers, no Christmas, no Easter, no lazy Sunday’s..etc etc. arghhhh….good to get that off my chest!

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    1. The complete foolery of these affairs puzzles me. You say they used the L word…but where is the L? What kind of lies do they tell THEMSELVES, much less each other and US that allows them to consider any of this as love?

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      1. This is so true.. he said he loved her? How could you love someone so passionately but not want them to raise your kids? He never got her a present because he might leave traces to be found out.. just shows to me what kind of pussy he really is.. He never loved anyone but himself.. sometimes I see traces now that he understands some form of love or loyalty, but I think it’s just him wanting to look good most days..

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      2. I guess in such a long relationship there was no doubt some feelings for each other and maybe there was even a certain type of love. Not the type of love that was I will leave my wife and live my days with you forever but the type of love as in I love having sex with you and if I keep telling you I love you then you will keep giving me lovely sex. They got on well in that they could communicate well with each other and she absolutely adored him. His wise words of wisdom. His intelligence. His socioeconomic standing but she was not someone he would happily be wanting to spend a lot of time with. It was all over once the sex had finished. He said all he thought about then was getting home to his life and his family. I have had a few communications with her and she seems very nice but also not that bright and she has a lot of trouble articulating anything sensible. I suspect she drinks a lot. She can’t be bright can she if she stayed in the relationship like this….can she?
        His other long term woman, lizard is definitely thick. Seeing their texts and emails she appears quite dim and really all she hung around for was the attention of my H and someone to whinge to about her crappy marriage. Stupid women.

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  7. The wounds of brokenness from the infidelity of our spouses is so painful! Deception destroys. My ex would never tell me the truth. Our marriage ended with me believing that our 20+ years was all a lie.

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        1. Awe… Thank you so much. My book is The Walking Wounded: The Path From Brokenness to Wholeness by Secret Angel. All proceeds go to help abuse victims. It is available on Amazon.com or on the website link on the top of the blog. I know that what God did for me, He can and will do for many more victims of various abuses.

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