Hidden Threads

Once we got home on April 29, I immediately retreated to the bedroom. Fell onto the bed, cried deeply from places so buried I didn’t know they existed. I rejected touch…curled up tightly…sobbed. The night ran into the next day. Curled up, unable to sleep even a moment, but unable to go anywhere except in the cocoon of my bedroom. So many things were instinctual, guttural, unscripted reactions, yet through the next weeks as I found the sister-hood of betrayed spouses and read their words…their responses to this pain…I realized how very alike we move. I journaled, wrote SW a letter in the wee hours with HUSBAND sleeping next to me some, holding me close when I would let him. When he woke up, I asked him to let her know that he would never speak with her again (now I know this is called “no contact”) and he agreed…and then he listened to the words I wrote to her and his eyes filled with tears. And yes…he agreed to attach my letter to his NC email. At one point, he played my favorite movie ever…Life As A House…and we laid in each other’s arms remembering a happier time we had watched it…and we cried together and then, unbelievably, made love. I felt raped – I felt like SHE was there – but somehow I had to do this and I shuddered as my body betrayed my heart.

By afternoon, my eyes were blurry. I’d eaten a piece of toast and had one cup of coffee in two days. I was sick to my stomach. I had chest pain. I was distracted, couldn’t get any work done. I wept, then I began to get angry, then I began to get self-angry. How could I be so stupid? Now that I look at the phone bills, how did I not see? (In reality, I didn’t see because I didn’t look-completely trusted HUSBAND, never even occurred to me to check our phone bill). Beginning three days after the reunion, for the next several months before they started using FB message phone, there were 25, 35, 45, 55 minute calls nearly every day. Nearly every day. There are numerous at 7:00 pm or 7:00 am; there are some even as late as 9:30 pm. How was he making these calls? Where was he making these calls? And why did I not see this incredible pattern? Why am I so incredibly stupid?

Much of the day we went over various steps in their relationship, and the words they used to each other. SW told HUSBAND that he “deserved love and happiness, and that they were soul-mates.” She told him that they were “meant for each other” (echoed in her “parting” email—which was anything but parting). She had the audacity to post on FB in response to an article about a thief caught stealing that “he should be thrown to the sharks.” Seriously? This whore thinks she has moral authority to make a judgment on stealing? She was stealing my husband. She was stealing my children’s father. She stole our son’s senior year. She stole she stole she stole she stole she stole and I hate her. She is a liar. She filled HUSBAND with lies and empty promises that were urging him down a path of pain. AND HE WAS GOING TO GO. It was just unfathomable. I had many very angry moments…I felt so incredibly deceived and betrayed. Our intimacy had been astounding but today, I felt nothing. We fucked. I felt dirty. I felt used. I felt – actually I didn’t feel. I was so confused.

From my journal: God, I hope you are all over this. I need the groanings of the Holy Spirit right now. I need you to intercede and pray for me because I don’t even know what to pray, what to say. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know how to heal, if I can heal. I partly want to confront SW and I partly hope she dies. I hope she feels betrayed. I hope she knows that everything they “built” was just a bunch of bull shit. I want her to hurt. And I want HUSBAND to somehow make it all up to me. This is so hard. So hard. I’m not sure I can make it. I can’t breathe again. I can’t seem to find my way to the surface. My head is a jumble of nothingness and everythingness. I just want to curl up in a corner and go to sleep and never wake up. I’ve been so cheated…my last baby’s last year and this was ever-present. This was the distracting issue that was boiling beneath the surface at all times. HUSBAND was texting her at 5:30 in the morning when he woke up while sitting in the bathroom. He would text her with me sitting right next to him (FB text of course – no trace). He was texting her when sitting with his children. He texted her on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve and Christmas and New Years. He sent her flowers for her birthday. And do you know what else is insanity? SW has been with her live-in lover for 16 years. HE KNEW. Her Lover Knew. He was fighting to keep his relationship together with SW…and he knew that SW was dating a married man. MY HUSBAND. Oh this is all so incredibly sick. It is overwhelming and I’m just not sure what to do. Please God. Please God. Please God. Please God. Please God. Please God. Please God. Please God. Help.

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16 thoughts on “Hidden Threads

  1. I’m so sad reading this. Our husband’s OW’s sound like the same person. Sad how so many of our stories are similar and the pain, confusion, and agony run the same course. I think sometimes it would be easier to walk away, but I love my husband with all my heart. I deal when the aftermath because I think he’s worth giving a second chance to. Our marriage and life with our kids is worth the pain and moving on to the other side of it.
    Thank you for this post, your words hit a chord with me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This could be me. So similar, I knew there was something wrong, I even questioned him but believed him when he said there was nothing going on because I totally trusted him. The pain you felt, I felt it too, the physical pain as well as the emotional. I’m sad that this has happened to you, I hope it gets better

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Nor me, I convinced myself I was being paranoid. When I finally got hold of his phone I knew I was going to find something and realised I had been in denial for so long. If only I had believe in myself and trusted my instincts I could have maybe stopped things before they really started and we could have worked on us and there would still be an us. Hindsight is a wonderful thing

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I look forward to your story and admire your ability to write patiently.
    We have all been trusting and loyal partners and in return that has been abused.
    I still cannot understand how I could be so faithful to his words and it is because I honestly believed every word he said to me.
    Hugs xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I commend you for being able to share your pain. I’m not able to do so yet, but it helps me to know that I am not along. People care, the sisterhood embrace has helped me hold on. Thanks sister for sharing and I pray God continues to provide you with all you need to heal. 🙏🙏😘

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I know, I have too. I had been quieted for so long. It helps to just be able to share even though it’s not much. I just really love how strong and level headed you are even though you are in such deep pain. I know what that hole in your soul feels like. We are walking wounded all by the grace of God.😘🙏

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I have read through many of your posts tonight and I just wanted to thank you for your raw honesty in sharing your story. I feel like I’ve just had hours of conversation with a woman who knows EXACTLY what I am feeling. That is an invaluable thing when emotions are so huge and so confusing and so isolating.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Bleeding…that is how I felt. I was so incredibly grateful for the other brave women who bared their bloody souls through their blogs when mine was so raw…just to know I wasn’t alone. I was overwhelmed at the sameness of our hurt, our guttural responses. I’m so very sorry you are here in this situation, but stick close to your sisters-in-betrayal here…there are some incredibly wise women who continue to share their journeys, and they honestly care. I am forever thankful for this community, and now, for you too. HUGS.

      Like

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