in Affairs, Marriage, Uncategorized 626 Words

He Did It First

One day in our couple support group, our leader showed a video. The video is the work of The Skit Guys and is called Baggage. In the video we see a poignant visualization of how we get baggage…different people who throw it on us…friends…parents…lovers…and before you know it, we are weighed down trying to move forward in life, yet carrying bags on our backs and arms and hands. And then the actor talks about Jesus promising life, life abundantly – but life weighed down doesn’t feel like life. Then the actor remembers that Jesus told us to bring our burdens to Him – and that He would give us rest – so he goes to God and cries out…please, please take these bags…the bags slide of his body…and the actor lets us know that He – God – took the bags.

Baggage

Yet, over the years of my faith-walk, I cried out numerous times. I asked for Him to help me be better, or think clearer, or speak kinder. I begged Him to take my marriage to a deeper place, to help me be a better mom and to show me the right path for my family. Life was good, we plugged along and were “happy” yet there was always something – MORE – that I wanted but could not define. Baggage…that I held deep inside and didn’t even admit I was carrying. I told myself that was because we would never have satisfaction in this life…we are made to yearn for the Kingdom that will be ours in heaven…

Then I found out about HUSBAND’s double life.

Betrayed

In that short period of time, everything changed. It was as if all the prayers and what-seemed-to-be-answers-to-prayers through the years were now just a mockery. The God that I’d cried out to either wasn’t real, or He couldn’t/wouldn’t do the things I’d been told He could/would, or He didn’t love me. I was angry at my belief whichever of those things was true. After those initial weeks of shock and denial and anger began to move into what am I supposed to do next to survive, I began to have some images.

Images of this Jesus I rejected in a garden, knowing He was to die, on His knees crying out to God, His Father, to please, please take this cup…let there be another way.

There was no other way. Not for Jesus. Not for me.

Images of Jesus being abandoned. Being mocked. Being beaten and abused. Being betrayed. Like me.

Images of Jesus on a cross, pierced physically, emotionally, mentally and hanging, exposing his brokenness and pain and bloody insides. Like me.

And then, three days later, an empty tomb. The evidence of His death laying there, bloody and tattered, but He was gone having transcended the pain and filth to become whole again. Images of Him reappearing to His people, scars evident on His hands and feet, but whole and beautiful and full of mercy and love.

I began to understand that He had never left me or forsaken me. That I had tried to take a path around or under or over the very path that would lead me to freedom. It was the path directly through the pain that would take me so beyond “happy” – that would get me MORE – the MORE I’d always really wanted. He had forged the path, He showed me He didn’t want it either, that it is fraught with all things overwhelming, but that He’d gone first and would be there with me through the journey.

And that…THAT is when I began to step into my healing, into freedom, into MORE.

ScarredHands2

30 thoughts on “He Did It First”

  2. I’m glad He came through for you. He never seemed to come through for me and He knows I’m pissed at him. I haven’t given up…I still believe in Him but His answers to me were always no.
    I figure he has more important things to worry about….not the little things like me.

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    1. Oh no, precious girl. You are incredibly important to Him. I don’t know how/when/where, but one day you will connect. I kept looking for the “swoosh” and it’s all better…but found out it was joining Him walking through the journey of pain that we could meet. Such a dichotomy.

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      1. I walked with Him all during my young life…and even though He, even then, seemed to always say no, I always felt that he or his angels were looking out for me. I really believe that.
        Now…I am stubborn and I know it. I may be resisting it because I’m afraid of the same perennial answer….no.

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        1. I believe it will be okay. I just don’t know what “it” is anymore. And I’m not sure I’ll recognize “okay” but someday. ❤️

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  3. I don’t believe God interferes in our daily lives else we would not have murders etc. What He does do is whisper that small, still voice in our ear that reminds us of the right way to live. It is the Golden Rule. By following that we neve harm others or ourselves.

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    1. We do make our own choices, and He gives us the freedom to do so, I agree. But what kind of love would it be if we had no choice in it? Freedom to love also means freedom not to love. And if it were simple, we’d mostly choose love…but then things get complicated by inadvertent injuries, past wounds, times when people really don’t mean to hurt us, but we are hurt anyway. I will write about a time I really hurt someone with absolutely no understanding I had done so…and with no ill intent…the human foibles.

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  5. I love this, it gives us hope……for His anger lasts but a moment; in his favor is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy comet in the morning. Happy Easter!

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  7. God doesn’t put obstacles in our lives…..He gives us the strength to climb over them, crawl under them, or detour around them…..Heavenly GPS.

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  8. Poignant and thoughtfully written. I admire your faith.

    My faith and spirit are in such turmoil, dis functional even. But I’m MIA, taking care of just me❤️

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    1. THAT IS AWESOME. Take care of you…so did – and AM – I. That’s what I meant about opening up the bags, taking out the pain…walking through it…I stopped taking care of everyone else, and spent time going deep into things I saw and things I didn’t see and as the layers and layers and layers came off (painful, scary, ugly) I found that fresh new skin of healing. It is tender, it is sensitive…and requires that I continue to nurture it. But for me, I believe that Christ demonstrated first that the process will lead to profound healing and freedom. I hope this for you, dear Rac. HUGS.

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  9. As I read this I can’t help but feel that you have had a prayer answered. How else could your marriage be taken to a deeper level without the betrayal? My husband betrayed me i a totally different way entirely, but I know that without it i would never have learnt to forgive an act. Please don’t take offence. Easter Blessings Joy x

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    1. I am not offended in the least. I think you are definitely on to something. I don’t think that God willed or planned for me to be betrayed, but He was able to use that betrayal for something incredibly good. Isn’t that the way of God – beauty from ashes? And that each of our paths is so unique? It sounds as if the betrayal also led you to healing – albeit a different kind, but healing and growth. So out of your agony has come some beauty. Thank you for sharing that. It is hopeful for all of us on this journey. HUGS, and Happy Easter to you!

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        2. No you didn’t interpret is incorrectly, I guess it takes time, and when it is a Christmas related betrayal, it is not until another season is upon us that I realise whether I have come far or not. ❤ xx
          PS am supposed to be planning my AtoZ 😉

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  10. You prayed for this, “…take my marriage to a deeper place, to help me be a better mom and to show me the right path for my family.” From what I see, you’ve reached a deeper place spiritually, instead of only looking at the superficial aspects; have grown into motherhood as a compassionate and caring parent; the right path was presented to you with the revelation of what was happening while you were unaware. Your prayers were answered. So, now you can offer prayers of gratitude, given that you are in a place of empowered decision making. You’re no longer living in a dream world. That makes you deep and it makes you a conscientious parent. I’ll continue to pray for you. Warm regards.

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