in Affairs, Marriage, Uncategorized 501 Words

Early Fractures

I married my dream man and couldn’t wait to live the rest of my life with him. And he with me. Our pictures of that night are still magical…with so many friends and neighbors and family gathered around to care for us, to cheer for us, to love us and support us.

What fractures were there in those early days that I was unable to see or to detect? Were there any?

Through digging and digging and digging, HUSBAND and I have found many things now that were little fissures in the outward cover of perfection we wrapped ourselves in.

fissuresandfractures

Things like the reality that HUSBAND invited a woman with whom he had had an indiscriminate sexual relationship with a couple times some years prior…to our wedding. A woman that I did not know, and had asked who she was and why she was on our invitation list. He’d answered me only a partial truth…telling me that she was always present in the mundane as a member of his home-room all years of high school (true) and part of his group of high school friends (true-ish) and of course, no one that he had ever considered dating (okay…he never dated her, but does fucking count)?

Looking back…maybe that was a little crack?

Or possibly it was a fissure that he had given me a pretty PG rated version of his actually XXX rated growing up years, all the way to the weeks immediately prior to our beginning to date, that I accepted fully? It wasn’t until 27 years later and the revealing of his double life that I finally found out he’d always had a double life when it came to me…that the man I thought I’d married was really a shined up version of the man I’d married – regarding his drug past and his sexual past. A fracture?

Then…there was our wedding night. I’m not sure what I expected, but romance definitely figured in there somewhere. After our large wedding in which we spent lots of time shaking hands and hugging necks and dancing and laughing and toasting and drinking ended with us darting out to jump in the back of the limousine, I pictured being wrapped in intimacy, entering our hotel room – the bridal suite of course – scattered with rose petals and candles glowing, perhaps. I anticipated my new husband drinking of the beauty of the moment, and making me feel like I was his perfection in the way he looked and touched and tasted me. Instead, we came into a regular room (why spend money for one night on anything else?) and had rather perfunctory sex and a brief cuddle that resulted in HUSBAND sleeping quickly. I got up, went to the bathroom and filled the tub…got in…and wept. A story I never told anyone until after I discovered HUSBAND betrayed me time and again.

weddingnighttub

Could that have been an early fracture?

 

50 thoughts on “Early Fractures”

  1. A cautionary tale about buying into the fairytale. Perhaps he aspired to be better and hoped he would grow into his new persona? That is the most positive interpretation I can give. Still, inviting a former paramour to a wedding is double plus uncool.

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    1. You are right, Sabiscuit. He did present who he wanted to be and thought he was ready to be (as we have later discovered). But covering up who he was on his journey to being who he wanted to be cost him big. Cost us big. And that little paramour thing…indeed double plus uncool.

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      1. I’m beaming prayers of peace and wellness to you today. It’s International Women’s Day. You have used your voice to raise awareness of how betrayal smothers souls silently. Continue to speak until you find peace. xo

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  2. Working on discovering these old fissures, albeit extremely painful, must be really helpful in a strange way, for your healing, for growing stronger, for learning about how to believe our instincts when we spot the signs in the future. Hard balance, though, between being paranoid / pessimistic and careful – don’t be too hard on yourself. There was no way you should have known, or recognised these fissures for what they were.

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  3. Eww… that’s just… ahem… bad. I mean, why wasn’t he honest with you in the first place? If all that happen before you two met, or at least before you two started dating? Why hide it? That’s a big crack, starting with lies altogether. Sure, some things you have shame of sharing but… I dunno… not a good way to start.
    I tend to agree with Sabiscuit too. Maybe he was trying to force himself in to being someone different, by being with you? Or maybe he was just tagging along of what was expected of him? By society? Family? I dunno…
    *Hugs*

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    1. I think all of the above, along with not being able to see himself for what he was. Remember, he wasn’t “that guy” later…well…he wasn’t “that guy” back then either. That journey for him has been part of his healing, and ultimately, part of our healing.

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      1. My SAH “couldn’t” be honest with me at that time. I have railed that he had no right to ask me to marry him and, therefore, to make vows to me. That may always be a bit of a sticking point for me so I have to remember his words that there was nothing more he wanted in life than to be my husband. And if I try really hard to get his compartments I do believe that.

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  4. Carol Burnette’s daughter used drugs from an early age. Early teens, I think. The therapists told them that once an addiction happens maturity stops. If you are a boy who sees porn at an early age, whilr you have not completely formed your character, you stop maturing. SB and M are right. He did not know who he was so assumed marriage would “fix” him.

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  5. The image of you weeping in the bathtub haunts me. Thank you once again for sharing so intimately. May your insights provide healing to yourself and many others. Love and blessings to you, dear friend.

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  6. I’ve been there. Not in a bathtub, but behind doors, crouched on the floor of closets, bathrooms, cars, bushes…… Crying but not knowing exactly what about at the time. Thank you for sharing your truly intimate story. Shame is a horribly debilitating disease and exacerbated by sex addiction it is greatly larger than all of us….until we wake up and decide consciously to continue waking up every minute of every day. Forgiveness is something I am working on….not to H…. yet…..but to me for being naive and not seeing the very early and continued fissures lasting over almost two decades…when in hindsight they are clear as day. Buddha says, “We cannot see our reflection in running water.” When the mind is still and calm and not entrenched in the turbulent mind struggling and suffering in shame and addiction or co-dependency or attachment…….only then can we see. “True love is the natural energy of our settled mind.” Sakyong Mipham Keep on challenging yourselves to see clearly and I promise it will lead to an incredibly spacious mind, free of bias, resting in openness and expansiveness with crystal clear understanding of your past, present and future together……free to live in the fresh air of high open meadows wrapped in love, true love, authentic real spiritual love that is stronger than all of us.

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    1. Yes…this is so on target…for me the concept of forgiving HUSBAND wasn’t even in the picture…I had to forgive me first. I’m grateful that you understand that. Shedding the shame, attachment and getting to clarity has been so very important…

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  7. ” What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive”……means…..You entangle yourself in complicated situations trying to cover your ass when your deception is exposed. You’re a fine lady SS who deserved better. Happy that you are now getting some better.

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  8. The bathtub image is horrible. I was there…thinking “is this it?”…..while Loser lay in the bed…smelling like beer and snoring.
    I don’t think we ever see cracks until after the earthquake. Then….the only thing left is damage.

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  10. Wow.. Amazing insight into your history. I love the analogy. I find myself relating to your side of your journey post dday. I’ve gone back, through my whole life, examined everything about me, my life etc that led me to my husband and our crooked journey up to the affair. As my husband refers to it, “I’m rewriting history.” Even OW advised me not to rewrite history. Fuck them both. It is my history to begin with! I just didn’t know about her.

    So as I sit here seemingly making this about me… My point is to share how I relate.. that I’ve gone back over and found the cracks and weaknesses, some fissures. And then a very big crack, being her, the OW. She was always there since they were in middle school. I should have known more about her.

    Ugg.. Making this about me again. Guess that supports how I can sooo relate to this post❤️

    Big hugs. Warrior on!!

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    1. The parallels are uncanny between us! But in terms of NOT examining…don’t they say that those that forsake their history are doomed to repeat it? Seems like first you have to really know the history…

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  11. Oh, there is so much pain in this post. I can really feel it. I do hope that you are healing from it, and that you are now feeling trust for Husband again… I can honestly say, that I probably could not feel trust again to a person, after all you went through… but, if you can, and if he is truly making you feel safe in every way, then I am so very happy for you!! Take care of you, and keep writing out all of your emotions, I believe that is healthy. Hugs!!

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  12. I feel for the emotional pain you’ve been thru. It makes the betrayal of my husband seem less however betrayal is the same for all of us. Living the illusional life we’ve been directed in by our spouse unknowingly. I give you so much courage to forge ahead with your husband. I understand the love you grew with all these years and it sounds like you never stopped loving him all these years. He’s very lucky that you have been there for him and that he can mend this brokenness within him. I know you are strong and the pain only began when you found out. Why tire yourself going back and finding the cracks. I have done this too but it only sets me back again and I remind myself where we are today. I have found being in the present with our progress helps me more than reliving it
    It’s hard some days. You are getting the support from us every time you write. You have given it back to us as well
    Wow. You are an amazing wife!!

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    1. Interesting you say that about living in the present…because that has been an enormous place of growth for me, too. It has also been important for me to go back and to grow through the past. I can see how it may not be the right path for some, but has been a powerful part of my journey…

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  13. It’d be 4 Weeks since he came clean and your post triggered me to look back to our wedding night which was just 10 months ago. He’s been lying to me for the past 5 years, held me hostage while he’s doing nasty.behind my back. He thought marriage would help… He could’ve let me go years ago, or at least prior to wedding. Nothing of sacred, he lmade a mockery of it all, just he could fulfill his need of a show.

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  14. Oh boy. I met mine when I was 18, and there were flags I chose to ignore. Our wedding night was far from a fairy tale, he was hungover from the bachelor party which turned into full blown sinus infection for our honeymoon. I felt duped and foolish. But I didn’t get that hair on my neck feeling, since he got legitimately sick. My wedding fantasy was blown, for sure. The first time I had the sick feeling was a few weeks before the wedding at a bridal shower when my mother in law said goodbye to him by putting her arms around his neck and kissing him on the lips ever so gently a few times – in front of the entire group. To say I was uncomfortable… She exerted her manipulation on him intermittently throughout the marriage but we lived far, so it was drama free. Then we moved closer and everything went to hell. She would say things to me that were horrible, I’d repeat them to wh who’d call me a liar – and since I was so hateful, he turned right to the ow, who worshipped his mother. My mother in law is not happy that he’s trying reconciliation, since she views him as her life partner and divorce or the mow were better options for her. I’m now no contact with her for 2 yrs after being demonized every time I pointed out how she crossed boundaries with me. When dday happened and I told him to leave, she bought a new duvet for the guest room and was excited to have him sleep there. No concerns about the kids or me. It broke my heart and I was humiliated since the writing had been on the wall and I ignored all of it. I still feel foolish. If I’ve not mentioned it before, she’s a therapist. Yup.

    I’ve had it with manipulators. But nothing but a crystal ball could have made me see things as they were 25 yrs ago. My husband is only now seeing her for the devil she is.

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    1. Oh yes. This unfolds as part of our story, our journey, also. It is a wicked sort of manipulative pain that can wield a quiet swath of control behind the scenes…crazy making, isn’t it? I’m glad he can see now…

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    1. Sadly many of us, if not most of us, cover our bad areas even if it is unconsciously and without malice. But it starts us down a path of deception – our own, and to others. Ripping it all off…whew…painful…but the only path to FREEDOM!

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  16. I did live with my husband for years before we married, so I wasn’t expecting changes after the wedding. But you can’t impress on young people the effect of family issues – the problems really don’t show until later. I loved my marriage for 17 years, it was drama free and so fun. What I didn’t realize was that I was repeating the patterns I had growing up.

    If I had emotional needs, anything teenaged or so on, I was scoffed at. My job was to entertain when others were around, and be ignored otherwise. When I expressed needs, I was told that all my needs were being met, and that I was spoiled and ungrateful and unappreciative. Because my needs were decided by others and were being met. What I wanted was irrelevant. So I thought if myself as perhaps overly sensitive and unappreciative.

    My husband did (does) the same thing. Here is a list of what I need to heal. He decides that none of those things are useful, doesn’t do them and rolls his eyes at me because “my standards are too high and I’m never happy.” And then I’m 12 again. So of course, the mow was thrilled with his mother, his lies and his nature to only take take take. She flattered him for all of it. What an appreciative dream!

    It’s really hard to stand up for yourself (thank you for asking, I’d like a spa gift card for my birthday) and be ignored (I thought you were joking about the spa, here’s a garlic press which I know you don’t have). It’s a silly example but it happened. Compound it by 28 yrs and you realize you have no voice that’s validated or heard.

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    1. Exceptional description of the insidious reality of the impact of the twisted patterns of our early years, and how they translate into our responses. I, also, had to find my voice…a voice that was so hidden I didn’t even know it was hidden. I am so glad you are discovering all this for your life — are you finding freedom?

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  17. I found my voice through work. It is highly stressful. I had to find a voice to say a firm “no” and it eventually carried over to my private life. I still try to get along with people but I know exactly where my boundaries are and I never allow them to be trespassed. No means no. It is the most freeing feeling because it changed my marriage and all other relationships. As far as I know my husband never cheated but he was most definitely in charge until I stood my ground and meant it. What a difference! I like the older me. I know exactly who I am.

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  18. I’m not feeling free yet. Still searching. It’s funny because I can say no – so many books on co dependence talk about the woman who says yes to everything, that’s never been me. I m not one who finds broken birds to fix, so to speak. Im a badass lol. But I’ve entrusted myself to 2 people in my life – my mother and my husband – and have been routinely invalidated and diminished by both. I have (had before the affair) higher self esteem and self confidence and security about who I am than either of them. My mother is a weak waif hiding behind her obesity, and my husband hides behind the fact that he feels nothing emotionally, which has made him a good entrepreneur. But frankly they’re both pussies who used me for my strength. I’m going to talk about it in therapy today. This serves as a trailer for the coming feature in a way – thanks xoxo

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  19. Intermittently. It’s an erratic dance, we are not often in sync. Our therapy sessions have been explosive, I don’t care about good behaviour while there, both the therapist and my husband look like they’ve been electrocuted by the time the hour’s up since I let rip.

    My issues are his sincerity and his comprehension of the damage he caused. He pissed in the well. Everything is suspect. Tonight he’s out of town in the city where the mow lives. He goes there 2-3 nights a week. It sucks. He told me he’s at the hockey game with his father, so the kids put it on tv, since we know the seats. Then I panicked – what if it’s a lie? So I told him to send us a pic of them at the game. He replied they were still at dinner & he’d send one in 30min. I went into mini panic, then a smiley photo arrived. He’s not been caught in a lie since he confessed – 18 months ago – but I’m on high alert all the time he’s gone.

    My healing is a plane circling the airport in a holding pattern. Until his job in that city ends (we moved away 10 months ago) the plane can’t land. I’m not worried about the mow per se, he’s repulsed by her, it’s just a shitty spot for me. He screwed her in hotels there less than 2 miles from our home – now I’m 900 miles away.

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    1. Oh Lemondrop…I wish I could be in one of your sessions! YAY YOU! So glad you are being honest and not shaping the message for politeness. I completely understand the panic moments, and it sounds like your H is willing to meet you there? Does he willingly send pics, etc? I needed that kind of reassurance, and still do from time to time now. I have that moment of panic, and thus far, HUSBAND has remained calm, non-defensive and willing to provide whatever reassurance I need to feel safe again, to believe him again. i hope you get out of the holding pattern soon, and he ends the job in that city. It would be really hard for me too. You are amazing. HUGS.

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  20. Just so sorry. There is nothing like being deceived. And you bring up some things that leave many couples with heartache, esp if they don’t square with them before reaching the altar. Communication, anticipation, hopes, perception. I hope you mend.

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  21. First, I’m so sorry about your wedding night. That is heartbreaking.

    Second, I think you raise a very good question. If we look back to the beginning what kind of fractures, fissures, and cracks would we see? Would we finally recognize them with the benefit of hindsight? I don’t know. Do we recognize them because things went wrong eventually? Would we continue to be blind to them if they never cheated, or we never discovered it? Hmmm…. I’m not sure. For me, looking back now I can say that him giving me a key to his apartment 2 days after meeting me is a huge crack, fissure AND fracture! Who does that? And what kind of an idiot falls for that? Oh, wait- that would be me! He also proposed within 6 days and we were married a little over 7 months after meeting. At the time I said, “Wow- we are so compatible. This relationship is so comfortable; it’s like we’ve been together forever. This is what it’s supposed to be like.” Looking back now I can ask myself, “What in the hell were you thinking????” If he never cheated I’m sure I would still be telling the story as love at first sight, even though it wasn’t like that.

    And don’t even get me started on his family issues! He’s got a mother who joked about his paternity and not knowing who the dad was. A sister who is so self-centered and narcissistic you would have to meet her to believe it. Again, at the time I’m sure I was thinking, “Oh well, this is going to be my new family.” Truth is they are generally charming so long as you don’t look too closely. Now I look back and I think, “Oh, honey, why didn’t you run? This had bad news written all over it!”

    I suppose the good news for me is that I don’t have to put any more thought into this because we are done. On the other hand, it might be nice to be able to identify future cracks and fissures on the offhand chance I ever get involved with someone else.

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    1. We each find our own path…and I honestly do not feel like there is one way, one clue, one action that is paramount to either understanding or healing. But what you say there at the end…that is part of it for me: identify the cracks and fissures — so I never miss them again. Whether it is in this relationship or a different one — I don’t want to fail to learn from the decisions (of the moment, or of life) that I’ve made previously. You are absolutely right for me – I never would have looked back and been able to see. And that is a weird beauty in this, because by the whole thing breaking down and my seeing, I am growing. For that…I am grateful.

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