in Affairs, Marriage, Uncategorized 709 Words

Another Kind of Weary

The last three weeks have just done me in.

My head is bursting from the devastation of infidelity. Of betrayal and abandonment.

A phone call, a desperate request from a cheating husband to my cheating husband begging me to reach out to his wife. A series of texts from just-recently-married-Daughter, confused about the abandonment of a husband by the wife of dear friends who she esteemed. A different phone call, asking for support for the daughter of a friend who has discovered betrayal by her spouse.

The swath of pain ripples out from the epicenter of the couple…hurting children and families and friends and co-workers.

Many of us keep our truths silent and those around us create their own stories about why our marriages end, or we suddenly lose mass amounts of weight, or appear as if we cannot quite connect because we really cannot quite connect.  And in our silence, our betrayer can, and often does, continue to look like the great person we believed him to be and that he sells himself to be to the world at large.

We carry on…we continue to move through our lives and take our children to school and show up for doctor’s appointments and go to the grocery store. We are literally shattered into millions of pieces but somehow kept together by our skin and as we walk around we wonder how other people don’t look at us and scream and run from our bloody wounds. But they don’t. They don’t see. They don’t know. And our pain goes deeper and deeper and deeper inside.

I cannot believe that less than two years ago, I had no idea this world existed other than rarely and amongst “those people,” not people like me. I’m not sure who “those people” were, but they were not people I knew or walked with or worked with or lived with. Now I know that I am “those people,” and that I was sitting next to them on the school bus headed to a field trip, or in the waiting room at the doctor’s office or in line at the grocery check-out. “Those people” are me and you and them and us and everywhere. They are young and old, newly married and long-time-married. They are faithless and faithfilled and overweight and underweight.

The few people we share with think they get it, and try to help.

They tell us what they would do and how they would respond and how to get better. But it doesn’t help because they don’t know. We didn’t know. We still don’t know. We just keep going to bed and trying to sleep and then waking up and getting out of bed. Each moment we try to figure out if we are doing what we should do but then we realize we don’t know the rules of this game.

So when I get the call and need to support someone else, I am so confused. I am confused by the rush of emotions it quickly brings up in my soul, and by the reality that there is no advice I can give. Only care. Only support. Only faith in that person to be brave and be able to wake up each day and to discover the strength they never knew they had.

The support to the family members who are trying to make sense of it all…this is a new role…and one that I don’t know how to move in. It is heavy for me, and hard for me, and I hope to help them see that there are no rules or must-do’s or have-to-be’s. That they need to give care. And support. And have faith that the person can be brave and able to wake up each day and find strength they never knew they had. They need to keep their advice off the table, and refrain from telling anyone involved in the situation what to do…and just love. Just comfort. Just share themselves and no one else.

I am weary now, not just for my story and recovery, but for so many around. Can we just stop the madness…

46 thoughts on “Another Kind of Weary”

  1. My heart aches for you as I read this, because I do indeed know something of the depth of this pain. I hope this doesn’t sound trite, but, never underestimate the power of prayer. I know that even people who do not know the saving grace of the One True God, still reach out to Him when suffering. And I know that His love extends to all of creation, not only to those who know Him as Redeemer of their soul(s). I encourage you to keep breathing, and to keep in mind that of course in your own ability (or my own ability, or any human’s ability) the agony of betrayal, the shame and humiliation which accompanies it, the deep need for comfort and hope, cannot be managed or fixed with our limited capabilities. But it is absolutely true that in the vast and limitless power of God’s grace, all things are possible…there is sufficient grace for you and for me and for every person you encounter who needs it. I know you know this. But you are growing weary from dispensing so much love, comfort, encouragement and kindness. Do not shoulder this alone. I promise you, not only do you have a friend in Jesus (I know you know this!) but He does not want you to carry any of this burden without Him. I love you.

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  2. This is wonderfully written. I could relate in so many ways. I thought it was something that didn’t happen to people like me as well. Now, I am the giver of advice to others about strength, not tragedy. May I reblog this please?

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  5. Many years ago some idiot thought that planting Kudzu in the south would be a good idea. Kudzu grew so fast and spread so wide that it took over everything around it…….One cheating idiot spouse thought it would be a good idea to have an affair. The destruction from that decision took over everything around it. The pain of adultery is like a Kudzu Vine wrapping itself around the cheated on spouse, the children, the parents, the in-laws, the aunts, uncles, and cousins, friends and neighbors, cutting off the air supply……Amazing that one small plant was able to take over an entire region…….Amazing that a cheater thought one small orgasm was worth taking down an entire family.

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    1. Annasnow- Wow. Your last sentence actually made my heart constrict. So god damn true.
      Saving Shards- I wish I knew you. You are lovely and kind. I think you are part of the good in this world. You help me and I thank you for that.

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      1. Oh dear…I am so humbled by your remarks, but please know I am flawed and broken… I am so incredibly grateful to all of us…all of YOU…who help me. For over a year, I read the stories, I cried and contemplated and hated and blamed before i ever had the courage to write, and everyone has been incredibly supportive. Thank YOU…

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    2. This is such a fantastic analogy of the invasion of pain from cheating…and the life of its own that occurs once the first step is taken. WOW. You absolutely nailed it…

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  6. I agree with cjdrisc. Prayer does help. But I worry you are taking on too much. It cannot be your job to save everyone else. Gosh, if someone called my H n asked them to have me talk to their betrayed spouse? He would say NO WAY! He would tell me n I would probably reach out strictly for support. Not to sway her to go or stay. That is a decision no one can make but ourselves.
    I agree with you completely! I always thought this kind of thing wouldn’t happen to me. But now I know I’m not the exception n it happens more n more. I think my Mom dying a year later also changed my focus. Suddenly the affair wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to me. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Please take care of yourself. Better days are ahead. Hugs!

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  7. Oh n yes it does complicate things when the families know. I told MY PARENTS AND HIS lol! Honestly we were all completely shocked as he just isn’t the cheating type. His Mom even said out of her 3 sons, H is last one she would believe capable of it. Luckily our families were respectful and just supported us n loved us. But a week later was the first time my parents saw him after this. My Dad’s 6’4 n a big guy lol. My H was scared to be alone with him and my Dad took him on a walk ALONE! LMAO. I figure he deserved to be scared but my Dad wasn’t a jerk like he could’ve been cause he’s a good man. But my Mom n I enjoyed seeing the utter panic on his face 😉

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  8. I’m sorry this is happening so often and close to home for you. I can only imagine how disillusioned you must feel and how retriggering of your own trauma this is. Please take care of yourself first. You seem like a very caring and generous person who others feel they can lean on. But if you are feeling the blow of being retriggered, then it’s probably best that you don’t get involved besides being a supportive ear, if that is also not too painful for you to hear. It’s okay to say “I’m so sorry, but I’m not able to give you more than this right now because I’m also struggling.” You are barely hanging on to surviving this betrayal, taking on the betrayal that others are experiencing can make you drown. Sending you love 💙💙💙

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  9. SS, this is so beautifully written. Your pain and weariness of the trauma is palpable. “Many of us keep our truths silent and those around us create their own stories about why our marriages end, or we suddenly lose mass amounts of weight, or appear as if we cannot quite connect because we really cannot quite connect. And in our silence, our betrayer can, and often does, continue to look like the great person we believed him to be and that he sells himself to be to the world at large.” This one is exactly how I feel in this very moment (after having family over this afternoon for a couple hours and having to act ‘normal’ – I hate the word ‘normal’ now, I don’t even know what it means). Plus, I feel awful because I just asked you a question in another thread, at a time when you are already so very exploited. I’m so sorry. I hope you can focus on you and only you for at least a little while – I’ll keep you in my prayers, beautiful lady. Many hugs

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    1. It is utter craziness at times…but it is getting better. These last couple weeks have made me weary, but also sad, to see other’s I care about wounded from this same behavior and circumstances. I’m sorry you had to deal with that today…sometimes don’t you just want to scream STOP IT! THINGS REALLY AREN’T OK!!! Don’t you feel awful for me…and you take care of you, too, ok?

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  10. I don’t believe I ever thought it “happened in a vacuum, or only to other people” – however I did feel that the devastation (and you don’t see the depths of it, but his best mate and his sister were cheated on and divorced, we got a bit of an idea!) And the many dialogues we had about that would help us both make better decisions if/when under pressure. Nope. Not even. That is what sucks. Even with open and honest communication, knowledge, a generally decent guy, it STILL happened. Long term. With a friend. Around our kids. Yaddah yaddah yaddah. Madness. And there was nothing to stop it! Not even education, discussion, long term passion and love. A simple, fairly instant dumb, selfish, desperate decision and we still feel the aftershocks over eight years later.

    Take care. Offer empathy and support. As you say, you can’t make it better. You can only try not to make it even worse by not understanding. The loneliness of betrayal was one of my major losses. No one understood and it took me years to find the blogging community.

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  11. I feel the pain of this in your writing.. like others may have already said, it does sound like perhaps it is a bit much for you to hear about others’ similar traumas… I do not mean you should become deaf to it, but be a bit careful how much you get involved perhaps… what I mean is, take care of you and your wounds first… so that you do not exhaust yourself, friend… I think it is a beautiful text you have written, about non-judgement of others, and just offering support…. that is beautiful…. take care, hugs!

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    1. Thank you for your gentle admonition. I will try to set healthy boundaries, but also think it is important that these other wounded souls know they are not alone…as you all have helped me understand…HUGS to you!!

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  12. My husband just came clean to me about his infidelity and we have been married for 10 months and together for five. He is in love with another person whom he met two months ago and my sense of reality is all gone an shattered. I never pressured him to move in together, buy a condo, to propose or get married, it was all him. It was ultimately all him in deceiving me for the past five years, and now also him in wanting a separation. I am devastated as we were your picture perfect couple, young, good looking, happy with what seems to have been a great future with two living dogs and lots if travelling and adventure.

    It’s all gone. I am not trying to focus on making sense of things, but trying to do what I need to do, protect myself financially before him and the other person takes that away too.

    Thank you for writing your posts.

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    1. Oh precious girl. I am heartbroken with you. There are just no words I have, other than you have done nothing, Nothing, NOTHING to deserve your husband’s unfaithfulness. It is all on him. There is no sense, and you are wise beyond years not to try to pretend there is…and also to protect yourself financially and all other ways you can. Be sure to breathe…to eat…to sleep…to blog…to feel. We are with you – write any time – and know you are not alone in this madness. HUGS.

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  13. What makes it even sadder and more weary is when a new betrayed finds her way here as in waiting2 exhale above. It is heartbreaking.
    Why why why do they not think of the consequences?
    I was just reading about rick stein the chef who a few years ago left his wife for his mistress. After five weeks with the mistress he decided he wanted to go back to his wife. But the his wife would not have him back. He flounder around for a while then went back to his mistress and has since married her. What choice did the poor idiot have? Stupid man.
    Good post SH. Xxxx

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  15. Beautifully written and unfortunately, only the betrayed would understand any of our thoughts ever. I am one of the many too who thought this will never be my situation, if couples experience infidelity , then the marriage must be weak. Mine was loved, but probably not nourished enough. It’s true that we live in this silence and heal in our silence not sharing this kind of news with any. My parents nor in laws will never know and don’t need to.
    What bothers me is that because the masses cheat on their spouses, it’s become the norm to split and move on. It doesn’t havevto be that way. Since this has happened, when We hear someone has divorced or is getting divorced ,we now wonder if there was some sort of infidelity ,yet that spouse will say some other reason caused the divorce. My husband and I knew of a man, whom recently committed suicide, who had a beautiful family and we question why he took his life since he was supposedly happily married. My brother renewed his 35th wedding anniversary vows a few years ago. This couple never looked so in love before this event and were hands all over in love after. Now I have my suspicions. We all live in this infidelity silent world where we protect the privacy of our marriage more now than ever. It just saddens me that in the past my husband didn’t protect our privacy before as much as we do now.
    It’s sad that an event as traumatic as infidelity has to shake our bodies so abruptly that you question so much more in your life than before.
    With the happy facts that marriages do survive this and couples do want to mend, it proves that if only we saw this coming would we both have protected it harder, but the facts do show its human nature to get distracted and selfish but the strong do survive and the strong can help others get thru this to rescue a marriage back to good health again. Your blog is a strength that I need. Thank you

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    1. I am going to speak with a family lawyer this afternoon to figure out what I should do, divorce, separation or business as usual for him otherwise if I don’t act.

      Should I stay in this marriage? I am turning 33 no kids, just married for ten months and been together for five years. Am I supposed to keep face and suffer in silent? my parents and friends are supportive while he wants to manipulate me in changing the reason of our breakup…. Into something more socially acceptable

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      1. We all have a wide variety of opinions on this subject, but for me, truth reigns. I would not agree to change the reason for divorce into a more acceptable story…it is the story…and I would be honest about it (certainly not shouting from the mountaintop, but in individual, specific conversations with safe and caring people). His wanting to change the story is exactly what got him into this in the first place…he was MARRIED…and wanted to change that story and invite someone else into the relationship. The most important thing, from my perspective, is for you to get healthy and find your voice. Are you seeing a therapist or counselor? Just know how deeply you are cared for here…and we are all ROOTING FOR YOU.

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      2. You speak your truth in your own words, waiting. This is one part of your narrative he doesn’t get any say in. Silence and lies surrounding infidelity are part of the problem. If people TRULY knew the pain and devastation, instead of just blithely accepting it as “private”, “individual ” and “something the betrayed did wrong” – ugh!!!! – then maybe one or two less devastating affairs would take place. Societally, it has become somewhat normalised. With a discourse of “get over it already.” It sucks. Because it doesn’t work that way and then we betrayed feel somehow “less” because we can’t. I’d tell the truth. I have told the truth to any who have enquired. I don’t editorialise. I try to be fair.

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      3. You! Go to chumplady.com and read some of that before you make any choices. There are people who choose to reconcile, and there are people who split. He doesn’t control the story so he gets out easy. There’s no right answer but educate yourself before you make choices. Chumplady is a good place to find your backbone, even if you decide you want to stay.

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    2. Thank you for being part of this really important conversation. Thank you for working so hard on healing your heart. And thank you for sharing the healing that is taking place in your marriage. It helps people see that they may have options – of course – it takes TWO to make that option viable yet only one to make it impossible. Here is to hope for all of us to find our way to peace and joy again!

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  16. Yes, just a big yes!! I remember walking around with those thoughts. Wondering how it was always everywhere, but never realizing it. And I do stay silent. Maybe one day I will share with more people, and I do hope I can help others down the road. I do think there is a freedom with sharing, but I don’t think I can handle the judgement. At the same time, I want to scream out warnings to those in my world that affairs do happen.

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    1. Oh, the judgement! !!!! Yes sir! But fuck ’em. I learned to be stronger and less reliant on the opinions of others. But it is lonely and it can and does suck. However, I like me. I like that I won’t climb under the rock of hiding this ‘shame’ -which is not MINE. Of course it is easy to say that. Impossible to convince others. Learning (or fully accepting) that they don’t matter has been painful, but freeing ☺

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      2. Me too, Horses. I do NOT hide it. I’m of the minority view that that is precisely some of the problem. Even though us betrayeds KNOW we are not to blame, we feel the shame dumped on us and don’t tell anyone, giving rise to more attitude of shame. When I finally found my voice in this, I saw that the fear of response was worse than the actual response…I found FREEDOM.

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  17. Yes! Like most things, the shame is only there because no one drags this out into the light a d says, “hey! I was a fantastic partner, lover, carer, nurturer, earner. I did NOTHING to cause this! This is NOT okay. It is NOT okay to whisper about me and not look at the personal and societal norms and discourses that say ‘oh well, boys will be boys’ (or any other shit sandwich society would prefer we swallow.) This happened at least partially because some people don’t understand the utter devastation that is unleashed when a trusted, beloved partner chooses to be intimate – whether that be emotionally or sexually or however else – with someone who has no respect for the love, work, dedication, sacrifice and did I say love that makes a long term relationship special and cherished. I know there are narcissists out there. But some of these cheaters seem to just have no concept of consequences. So weird.

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  18. Isn’t it AMAZING how amidst this excruciating pain and burden of carrying around the weight of it all…we still have to hold it all together…I tell you…we truly are Wonder Women!!!! I wish I found you all sooner. Giving thanks we are together now. x

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