in Affairs, Infidelity, Marriage, Uncategorized 1,091 Words

How Could She?

In my desperate pursuit to put order into the chaos of my life, I spent hours and hours and hours researching the Other Woman. It started with a pursuit to hate them, to be able to categorize them into one neat little package of filth and desperation as they claw and fight their way into the lives of others.

I read articles and books authored by these women on how to be a good mistress, how to please their man, the rules of being a mistress. I visited websites and read blogs. And then found various forums in which other women share.

Before I knew it, I began to grieve. To be sickened and saddened about and for these women. Nearly all OW claim some version(s) of: I didn’t mean to fall in love with a married man; the heart wants what the heart wants; I didn’t know he was married; he pursued me relentlessly; he told me he was separated/divorcing; we are soulmates/twinflames/long-lost loves/always should have been together; he married the wrong person. Ultimately…all deceptions, all lies either made to themselves or by the MM. I found myself wanting to cry out to women about to delve into affairs, or newly in, NO! STOP! This will only lead to heartache…MY HEARTACHE…YOUR HEARTACHE. There are certainly outliers – women who are complete narcissists and manipulate and pick up and drop at and for their own pleasure. But the majority of the women that I was able to research are women who want love and somehow, they end up with a man who loves someone else. All the statistics show that it is rare for the Other Woman to end up with the MM, and when that happens, it lasts even more rarely. The odds are completely against them, yet OW are rampant amongst us. So how, how, how does it happen. How do affairs really start…how does the deception occur, who does what…I started with HUSBAND’s first OW, and asked how…

The first night with the first OW was his tenth high school reunion. HUSBAND had been married to me for a little less than two years. We had a darling 8 month old baby boy and (unbeknownst to us at the time) I was pregnant with our second child. I did not attend the reunion with HUSBAND…he had gone fishing that day and gotten home hours later than he’d promised, and was already feeling the effect of numerous beers. So off he went to the reunion and what he remembers is:

Talking with specific people. Dancing with specific girls. Standing at the bar talking to a specific guy who had always looked down at him, and did so that night too…to which HUSBAND just drank more. HUSBAND does NOT remember dancing with SW (slut-whore, his first and last OW), although she told him later that they did. He does not remember going to his car with SW, or getting in the passenger seat, or any of the 25 minute drive to SW’s apartment, except when he woke up as they stopped in the bright lights at the toll booth with her at the wheel. He does not remember walking into her apartment, or going to the bedroom or fucking her. All of which he did.

He does remember waking up, seeing his clothes on the floor, realizing he was not in his bed at our home, jumping up “in horror” and quickly dressing and driving home…devising his lies on the way there.

HUSBAND has been shockingly honest with me about all his encounters, intimate words spoken, promises of futures, etc. He does not have any recollection of the anatomy of the first-fuck…did he tell SW he was married to a raving bitch? Maybe. Did he tell her he never got sex at home? Perhaps. Did he tell her she was hot and he wanted her body? Could be. Did he tell her he was too drunk to go home and that wife would be mad? Possibly. He doesn’t remember, and any or all of the above are possible.

Liesnotworthtruth

But here is what I KNOW, what is indisputable.

He was at his reunion, having driven himself, which was between our home and her apartment, each being 15 or so miles away in opposite directions.

Whatever happened that night at the reunion…whatever words my lying HUSBAND poured on SW, she knew he was married – she had attended our WEDDING.

She got into his car, in control – she drove.

She invited him to her apartment – that is where she drove him.

She offered her body to him – they fucked.

She had so many choices…no matter what words he said (assuming he was the pursuer – he has no recollection, but is willing to consider that possibility). She could have offered to call him a cab, called me, had one of his male friends take him to their respective homes, driven him to our house and dumped him on the lawn, left him there to be dealt with by someone else…she could have reminded him he was married…refused any advances by a man who was married…

DevilAngelEthics2

But instead, she drove him to her apartment and allowed him to fuck her.

Who is the woman that makes that choice? Is she seriously thinking this is going to turn out well…lead her to the love she is seeking?

I try to imagine that even being in the realm of options…and it is not. I try to imagine how you feel as you are driving the car with a married man in it, knowing full well you are planning to be part and party to deception and betrayal. I try to imagine what it feels like to see him wake up, jump up and throw his clothes on, and rush out of the house. I try to imagine what it is like to get into the shower and let the water run all over your body that has just been felt by and connected to a man’s body that is going home to his wife. I try to imagine how you look at yourself in the mirror and don’t see embarrassment and shame. I try to imagine that there is any pretense that there is anything remotely like care or compassion or hope or love in this…

And I can’t imagine. So after it all, I’m left with how could she?

 

70 thoughts on “How Could She?”

  1. Passionately written, your anger is tangible. If this is true, having seen your picture, it is difficult to understand. However, I have always thought that where the opportunity exists, so does danger. I saw the same thing happen to my daughter. I warned her she was giving him too much freedom, then one week before the second birthday of their daughter, he walked out on her after seven years together.

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      1. She is forty, now has another partner but the great shame is that she still has to see the love of her life every week when he comes to claim access to his daughter. What made it even worse was that he married the new girl very soon after he dumped her, so obviously he was stoking both fires for some time. Sadly, for you as well, you never do really recover from damage caused by affairs of the heart. I’m nearly seventy, but I still carry one from when I was 18! Good luck to you lady.

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        1. Thank you, dear man. It is amazing to get the perspective of a betrayed man, and a father…I hope you stay engaged with our community. We need you. And my best thoughts to your girl…

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    1. I compartmentalize frequently, but not relationships and loyalties. Sad to me, since ultimately most of us really want the same things…love, intimacy, hope, care. Secrecy and lies can’t ever take us to those places.

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      1. Why are you unwilling to accept compartmentalization as an answer to your question “how could she”? Is it really important to you for the answer to be deep, complicated, and profound?

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        1. Yes, Barb…for me the process has taken me to deep and complicated places. That is where I am finding healing for myself…who somehow lived a deceptive life for 27 years before the truth began to come out. I have dug deep in myself, in my understanding of all things relationship and marriage, and since OW engage in relationship that impacted ME…my healing has taken me there. I respect that for you it is simple and surface…but simple and surface led me to death and destruction. Uncovering the deep has been a desperately difficult process…but wow…it has also been where I found freedom. Hope. Love. Best to you.

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  3. My husbands mistress wrote that she saw marriage in their future! Er……he’s already married???! And she knew this, and knew we just had another baby. The level of delusion just baffles me

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  4. I too can’t fathom the thought that this OW didn’t care that my husband would ruin 5 lives (we have 4 children) if he stayed with her, which he said he never would leave me. My husband told me he asked this OW,what would this do to his wife and her reply was “she’ll figure it out” so there’s another thought that the OW thinks or doesn’t think. All she wanted was to transfer her problems to me. She was recently divorced, which she never mentioned to my husband, on the rebound for anything and wanted nothing more than for my husband to have the same thing in common with her…..a divorce. He woke up at that time and thank God, got out of his mess. She wouldn’t let go for months and still is trying to pursue him.
    I feel sorry for this sick minded woman in a way and think how pathetic she is. She told my husband he could stay with his wife but to still keep her in his. That’s just so degrading to any woman to want that. How sad.
    My husband has taken his responsibility for this mess, however she blamed him for changing the landscape of her life. Really?? An adult who can’t accept responsibility. I call that childish!!

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    1. It is fascinating to me that on most of the OW forums, the majority of OW claim they have no responsibility. “I did not make the commitment, or take the vow” is what I often read. True. But if they are in a secret or hidden relationship, they are part of deception…that makes them also responsible. The only innocent in these triangles is the one who doesn’t know (and their children, family, friends…). It is the most odd rationalization!

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      1. If my husband had left me for the OW, then I’m sure she would have taken the responsibility for saving him from his so called “bad marriage”. I have read many articles on line that explain when affairs happen, both parties take 100% risk and responsibility for their bad decisions as neither one is coaxed into this. It’s basically their decision to take the chance and accept the fallout from this, however it turns out. I think the one not taking responsibility demonstrates the growth that person still needs to work on in their lives. It’s their weakness. However, some will never accept that they have a weakness. It’s always someone else’s fault
        In fact when my husband found out this OW was divorced, she said it was her husband’s fault for the breakdown , not hers. Divorced twice and both times it was her husband’s faults. Enough said?
        Too funny

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  5. I ask myself this everyday. Our therapist believes my husband OW to be a sociopath based on the messages she would send him, she also faked work reports that could apparently help him in his pursuit of new employment. 3 weeks prior to her he had just lost out on a promotion at work, which meant a 25 military career, was over. Bingo, vulnerable, jobless man and a power hungry sociopath on the hunt and you’ve got trouble. I hold him 100% responsible for his decision to accept her ego stroking advances though, idiot man. When it all came out though, in true sociopath style she blamed and threatened me, it was my entire fault because my husband was lonely and I was neglectful of him, yeah whatever. She has no remorse, not even for her own husband and children and will not accept any blame for what she has done. I haven’t outed her to her husband, but was sensible enough to keep evidence of their correspondence just in case. I hope she spends the rest of her life looking over her shoulder.

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  6. It’s too painful to read to be honest. I don’t know how you manage. I feel as much anger as you do. What were they thinking. Why? And how? How were they able to go to bed at night. Didn’t the guilt kill them? How can people be so callous? I really really raise my hat to you for trying to understand it all. To know everything and stand upright in the middle of it. You ARE STRONG and don’t you forget that.

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  7. Loser once told me he thought his love was “toxic” to anybody who had it. I told him his love was only toxic to the people who deserved it. The last time I saw him, I told him that after forty years, I realized that the only women he “respected” and to whom his love WASN’T toxic…were the women who WERE JUST LIKE HIM. Again, ‘nough said.

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  8. These pathetic men will fall for anything. The whore doesn’t even care about them, it’s the game that gives them their high. They care more about winning out over the wife than fucking the man. Many of them are doing more than one man at a time but convincing the dumbass she’s with at the moment that he’s her soul mate. The idiot husband using his lower brain believes every fictional word coming out of the whore’s mouth. My whore is also a sociopath with four failed marriages, yet she was able to spin stories about her innocence concerning the failed unions. Hard to believe she could even spew her yarns with so many dicks stuck in her mouth. I’m talking educated people in office surroundings not street walkers and homeless men. It’s a game to them and they don’t care about the wrecked families left in the wake. Infidelity doesn’t just alter the lives of the faithful spouse and children, but every member of both families. Yes the husband is at fault, but if the whore didn’t throw out the welcome mat between her legs the odds of family destruction would be lower………..Just my opinion of course.

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    1. Totally agree. It is neither of the two of them in a vacuum…clearly both share the responsibility. And the only, oNLY result is always destruction. I’m with you, Anna…the ripple of pain is broad…and deep…

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    2. The OW for my husband is a covert Narcissist. Outwardly she portrays herself as a sweet mother of 2 and divorced from a man who she blamed for everything yet she had cheated on him! My husband and her still work in the same office. Excruciating for me. I have seen her on 2 occasions and she just smiled at me like the cat who ate the canary. She has no remorse. She knows me and my kids for years. Her feelings and actions of entitlement amaze me. Hate is not too strong of a word for what I feel. I hold me husband just as responsible but he is remorseful and she is not. This was obvious as she called me today just get over it and that she didn’t care about me or my kids. She’s a monster.

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      1. Yes. That is precisely what I mean. She IS also responsible…and the no remorse thing is just flat-out unbelievable. I’m sure it is overwhelming sometimes knowing that they work together, especially since she has not owned her part of the dreadful game that brings pain and death. I hope that can change for you two…in the meantime, you are proving every day how strong you are.

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    3. Well said, annasnow. And, “Hard to believe she could even spew her yarns with so many dicks stuck in her mouth.” That’s a keeper for sure 😉

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  9. Again, a well written and thoughtful blog post. I truly applaud what you are doing. My experience is that delusion is so powerful that fantasy becomes reality and there is no limit to the lies we tell ourselves when intoxicated by a feeling of being “in love”. There really is no more than passing thoughts of those who are being hurt by the deception, and even then we create rationalizations to justify our behavior. I’ve seen both sides of this story and am thankful to have come out the other side. One powerful lesson I’ve learned is that God alone is faithful, and true to His Word. There is great comfort in this knowledge. And forgiveness is a powerful thing…love to you.

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    1. Your insight is profound…and deeply appreciated. HUSBAND experienced the same thing – delusion becoming reality – not even considering what the impact was or could/would be – and completely rationalizing away any brief moments of illumination. Forgiveness has been key…on so many levels. HUGS to you, dear friend.

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      1. If I hear my H say it was like an addiction one more time I may scream. Or run away actually. Addiction my ass. It was a choice. These men ( or most) are not addicted they use that terminology as an excuse. I just had it out with him today. With me he has never been overtly affectionate or speak words of love or affirmations. But with her? Holy shit he was Shakespere. And very detail oriented as I read many of their I messages on DDay. So I asked him why so easy with her? He said how many times do I have to answer that. Of course I screamed AGAIN! He can’t really give an answer. Mostly says he’s was a schmuck. I said no you were cruel. For the first time in a long time I have 1 foot out the door. Hoping sleep tonight will allow me to wake and feel more hopeful. I’m just tired of him being remorseful but me actually feeling like the schmuck.

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        1. You PERFECTLY captured how I felt for a long time. I’ve posted a poem HUSBAND wrote for SW…and it PIERCED me in a 1000 points when i read those words and realized they were not written to me. I hope you sleep well, and make the next best steps for YOUR heart to heal…HUGS.

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        2. I heard something the other day which said, a drug addict or alcoholic craves a feeling, but a sex addict craves different. Whether it’s truly an addiction or not is irrelevant. The important thing is actively confronting the fact that we betrayers have violated. We need to step into the harsh reality of what we have done. This sexual addiction community, whether a real affliction or not, provides accountability and support (for both the betrayer and betrayed). I recommend he not use it as an excuse for his actions, but as a reason to press into his healing. He needs it. More importantly you need it. While he is the source of your pain, he also an important component of your healing.

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        3. I am thankful for the support you have gotten on your journey of change and healing. And I can only speak for you, and our marriage…but I do not see you using SA as an excuse…but as a springboard for beginning to peel back how and why you did what you did, and encouragement to be different.

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    2. Well said cjdrisc! As I look back, I can barely believe I was that guy, The betrayer, a cheater. I do remember a very odd and slimy feeling of pride. A feeling that I was smarter than the average guy because I was getting away with this. I was more than a man because I had two women at once. Even more shocking and sad is that, as you said, I gave very little thought and consideration to the wreckage I was causing to my family. I ignored the prompting of God and my sense of morality. It is like I woke up every day and decided to to do wrong and ignore what I absolutely knew to be right. I succumbed to the bondage and became very comfortable in it

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  10. I understand the anger and failure to understand the motives of the women who are “the OW”. Although I am not saying their actions are morally justified, I place more blame on the man who has truly betrayed his promise to me. My take on this could very well originate from the experience of being with a man who always “failed to mention” to other women he was trying to pick up, that he had me… so, the “other women” in my case, were truly innocent of any wrongdoing..

    but even if they had known about me, I do not believe that I would be angry with them. Not for long, anyway. In my eyes the true culprit is the one who broke his word to me… that said, I do understand where the feeling is coming from…. The anger, the need to try to understand.. but in my eyes, especially for serial cheaters, it is more like an “addiction”. So the other woman is then more like the “drug”, if you know what I mean… so, my view is “blame the addict, not the heroine/amphetamine”.. I do not wish to offended anyone. I do understand the anger! Hopes of healing to all who have been through the horrible ordeal of being cheated on. 💜💜💜

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    1. You are not offending me in the least, and hopefully no one else. If anyone had the magic answer…we’d do away with all this shit, wouldn’t we? It’s pretty complex…our entire culture promotes hyper-sexuality all the time, and we have huge disparities in data: when polled, consistently between 80% and 90% of Americans claim they believe marriage should be monogamous, yet (depending on survey/poll/source) between 30% and 70% of Americans have been part of illicit affairs. I definitely held and hold HUSBAND entirely responsible for his part and role, but he couldn’t have achieved this solo. I think it is important that everyone owns their stake in the game…

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  11. Many of the other women, and an occasional other man, is that they are suffering from limerence. There is an article online by Dr. Cookery and he goes into detail what it is

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    1. I’m not doubting that it is very real to the person suffering limerance, but that is a mental health issue and should be dealt with through counseling and possibly medication…NOT through an illicit relationship.

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  13. I was referring to the ow/om who cannot move on but hangs on to all the lies they have been told as well as the lies they tell themselves. I had a high school boyfriend who called me for years telling me he still loved me. I always told my husband who felt sorry for him. He is/was a nice guy who could not let go of me. Believe me, I am just a normal, very average woman. I never knew what to say. Years later he finally stopped.

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  14. Because I am brutally honest and I think you already know that I’ve been an “other woman” (emotional affairs can be more damaging than sex only ones) it is sometimes very difficult for me to read your posts. Because I see both sides. I was incredibly conflicted about my connection to another woman’s husband. So much so that I would encourage him to go to therapy and talk to her about their issues. I never wanted or intended to “steal him away”. But I still engaged with him, which makes me just as guilty as he was. I am still very much in love with him although we have had no contact in 7 months and I would not get involved with him again as long as he is still married. I used to be so judgemental of women who were “other women” until I found myself in that position. I hated it and never want to be in that situation again, but I’ve also learned that things are never as black and white as they seem. I’m so sorry for your hurt and betrayal. No one deserves that. 💙

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    1. Sam…I am so incredibly grateful that you are brave and willing to be honest. I hope you see in this post that I am not ANGRY (although I do still struggle with HUSBAND’s Other WomEN). This situation and my deeply delving into my own life, my own heart, my own responses and then striving to understand how we all get here has led me to see that we do have much in common at the core. I want, desperately, to be knit intimately with my partner, to be adored and cherished. So do you. I’ve found so do all the betrayeds, and most of the other women. It is a bizarre mixture of deception and distortion and compartmentalization and other craziness mixed together on all sides that result in affairs. It was generous that you encouraged your AP to go to therapy, and I absolutely believe you never intended to steal him away…however as long as you were part of his life, he could not fully engage in any meaningful work within his marriage. It is just dreadful for all… Again, I am very grateful to brave women like you, and your willingness to make a choice that costs you, personally. I really pray you find an amazing future. HUGS.

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  15. I know you read my blog so knowing I was the OW for a bit is nothing new. I was also in a marriage where my husband cheated 9 times. I’ve never remarried. I take some of the blame because I did find out half way through the relationship. But I was lied to to begin with and continued to be lied to. It’s very maniputive these situations. My perspective is unique in that the last woman my ex husband cheated with he married and they’re still together years later. I tried to see good in that. But that’s rare as you said. I was in the majority. I definitely didn’t seek this out tho. I now believe my ex husband lied to all those women. I’ve spoken with enough to know that. MM especially serial cheaters spend a lot of time and effort creating a world for women where they believe whatever it is that they need to feel comfortable being in that spot. I know I was not.

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  16. SS, did you sleep at all last night? The thing is, about the other women in my case, is all they ever had was the sexual attention of a sex addict, for a very short window of time in the scheme of things. How ever they deluded themselves into thinking it was real, or that they were being told the truth in words even though actions showed he was still a very happily married father and husband, is something they need to work on for themselves. Yes, their own actions were cruel and selfish (I don’t care how they fell into the situation–of course in my case the long term acting out partner was had through a Craig’s List Ad, so there is that, HELLO, a CL AD, WTF???), they thought of their own theoretical needs over the feelings of others. It is not a pretty or nice way to live life. It is awful, and there are so many people like this. It is difficult to understand fully something we would never do. We all must be responsible for our own actions and the consequences. This is why I find it utterly confusing when OW rationalize their behavior and tell us to look at our husbands for the answers. Yes, I have done that. He is a sex addict, and even if he wasn’t, the OW would still be culpable for her share of the pain and agony (and fear, since she was a stalker) and for her horrid rotten behavior. They knew he was married and a Daddy and being pulled in a million different directions, some in very sick ways, and yet… time to get themselves some mental health care because they are messed up!!! Sad we had to be drawn into their dirty secret web, but they are NOT innocent or victims. xoxo

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    1. I agree…the only innocents in illicit sex is the partner who is lied to. I am also so puzzled by other women who share they were once betrayed spouses. Reading the story of another precious woman discovering her life has been a lie can propel me instantly back to the place of utter devastation and I really hope, no, I commit that I cannot be part of that wrenching pain in another family’s life. I think of my beautiful children…how their childhood is now defined in a different way…no. It isn’t judgement…it’s a decision for me.

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  17. The short answer to your title question is, she could because in many ways she was as sick as he was. The sad thing is that if she has not moved on, she will likely find another attached man and disrupt and harm another relationship. I know at least two of Will’s ex OWs that went on to get involved with other attached men after ending it with him. Many of them are in their own destructive pattern of “looking for love in all the wrong places” just as the sex addict is. Some of them are also sex addicts. Remember that YOU are the strong and healthy one. And Sweetie, you are AMAZING, ❤️

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  18. You write with great expression and this was a really captivating post. I suppose everyone has a different tolerance to alcohol, but what I kept thinking as I read your account is how HUSBAND’s memory is non-existent with the details. He saw his clothes on the floor of OW’s bedroom and realized he wasn’t at home. Seriously? So he was *that* shit-faced drunk? I’ve only been that drunk in my life probably twice, and I’m pretty sure I would not have been able to perform in bed if I was that wasted. As I got older, and particularly starting in my late 30 and 40’s, my “performance” in the bedroom was always severely affected by alcohol. Again, everyone has a different level of tolerance. Nonetheless, HUSBAND’S inability to not be able to remember I find troubling. I think you’re very brave — I never wanted to the know the details of my ex’s romps. Great post.

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    1. I’ve struggled with his lack of remembrance. I think the disarming part for me is his willingness to believe he was an utter prick, and did aggressively seek involvement with SW. It niggles though… Thank you for spending time here…hope you will come back and contribute.

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  19. I read what you wrote but not all the comments. Personally, I feel that the other women did not betray you. Your husband is the one who took the vow of loyalty and faithfulness. There would be not problem if he lived up to his commitment. I believe that the act of betrayal has nothing to do with the other women. It has to do with someone, namely the husband in your case, saying “no.” The OW was a foil. And ultimately, as you point out, a victim too. Very painful.

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    1. A victim who is also playing a very active and knowledgeable role in the crime. Nope, don’t buy that the OW has no culpability in affairs, except in the very rare case where she really was not aware her partner was married. I ultimately have compassion for the OW because they are looking for love…but to think and pretend that they will find what they are looking for with a man who is married rests squarely on their shoulders. HUSBAND, in my case, is fully responsible. But the OW are also fully responsible. Only when they come to that realization will they have the opportunity for healing, and growth in their own lives.

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      1. As always you’re the most compassionate person and we need more of that in the world, I always read these posts and want to give you a big hug to thank you and show my solidarity. However.. are OWs always looking for love? Is it about love? It rarely seems to be. Lust maybe, mergers and acquisitions. Power. Even hatred. I suspect we’d do well to remember that human behaviour can be disturbing even at a domestic level, that people say one thing (‘love’) and mean quite another thing by it. OWs tend to project their own abusive behaviour onto the wife, knowing it’s unacceptable for women to be abusive or they act the part of ‘helper’ knowing that is what’s expected. It is, as they say, a ‘head-fuck’.

        Cooking: ‘I believe that the act of betrayal has nothing to do with the other women.’ Yes in the sense that the OW could be anyone. But do you really believe that women have no agency? It seems a dim view to take of an entire gender, I feel vaguely insulted. Whatever I do I’m not responsible for my own actions, being a lady and all. Pass me a mint julep.

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        1. Iris…you are right…not every other woman is looking for love…and I have no words for people who sadistically engage while wreaking havoc in the lives of so many… And I love how you identify that to claim no responsibility on the other woman literally leaves them with no agency! Yes…you nailed it!

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  20. To sum up and comment on the comments so far, in my experience, men who go that far for an ego stroking are manipulative, vindictive, passive aggressive sociopaths and not very pleasant people to be around. That should be enough of a repellent. And they’re not passively sitting there being attacked, either. They moved their hands, feet and heads. That’s active. Nothing was “done” to them.

    But for some women, who are deluded, or have low self esteem, they believe that if they are attached to the man, they have a right to have this attachment validated. This is what people mean by, “delusional.”

    For me, the worst OW/SWs are the married women who are looking for long term convenience drive through situations and to keep these secret. They will even lie and say these are emotional affairs or tell lies. The husband is terrible in bed; he’s a crazy, screaming psycho, he’s never at home; he doesn’t know how to love like erotic fiction heroes. They feel that their offerings are win/win and should therefore be very hard to resist. If they are resisted, they will go crazy and have to visit therapists to understand why a married man dumped them and to get advice on how to make him stay.

    Since they have a special disloyal gene, it is impossible for them to be trusted; even a friend’s romantic partner, fiance or husband would be a target. It’s passive aggressive, vindictive, and hostile. There is no need to feel sympathy for any of them.

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      1. Your adjectives are generous, but yes, outrageous. But don’t try telling them that. I hope you’ll have a great weekend regardless of the callous disregard for sense making. xo

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  21. Wonderful comments. I think that it is perfectly normal and entirely understandable that we betrayeds analyse and overthink every part of how the heck this happened! However, at the end of the day, it is, to borrow Chump Lady’s phrase, trying to untangle the skein. Now, I think it is essential to try to untangle that when it comes to a remorseful and disgusted cheater. But trying to untangle the skein (of fuckedupness) of a person who willingly hurts other people to pursue their own pleasure, hmmmmmm. Waste of time. Waste of energy. And waste of humanity. In my own personal case, the sociopath was always fucked up. She knew how to paint a pretty decent facade of success, etc. But I knew her since she was 11 years old. Late 40s now and nothing has changed. I guess my mistake (and hey, I did NOT cause any cheating or do anything majorly wrong – I was honest, passionate, loving, nurturing, and trusting) was in trying to help her. Pity. Which I read as empathy. And reciprocity. I thought people responded to kindness with kindness. Very naive. She just took and took and took. Then turned around after she took it all, and laughed as it burned. Yes, HE made the promises and built a beautiful life with me, and us (our kids) and HE screwed it all up in a bout of self doubt and a kind of temporary insanity. But there is a girl code. There is behaving in a civilised and caring manner. She refused to do that. At any stage. She is a societal outlier (I hope!) And has no regrets for what she destroyed, for the hearts and lives severely damaged for her own pleasure, and I think, entertainment. Trying to pin a definitive why on it all is pointless. Yes, I went through the analysis. I have some ideas. But it gives little peace. In the end you eventually accept that they do it because they are the most important people in the world, the only ones with any rights to happiness, however brief. Pathetic bottom feeders with plain and simple “issues”!

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  22. I have been reading a blog by a man with SA who calls himself Will. I have no idea if that is his real name. Going on his information and from those of you who are/were married to men like him the numbers of ow are staggering! They may be prostitutes or strippers but many are co-workers, neighbors, friends and even relatives. I am astounded that that many women see nothing wrong in their choices. If they get a cheating husband away from you what do they get?
    Btw, I recommend his blog. He is very open about his foo and his addiction and the day to day struggle he has tring to make amends.

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  23. They always blame the ow. Having been both in very different circumstances, my story is different but the same. Even though I loathed her. She called me at 3am the day after my H broke it off with her. But she wasn’t my problem. He was so I focused on him. I didn’t know if I could stay but he begged for a chance. We went to counseling and he was completely honest n transparent. N has been ever since. But it took time for him to retrain his brain. He would start to lie n then realize it, apologize n start over! Crazy right?

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