in Affairs, Infidelity, Marriage, Marriage recovery, Uncategorized 451 Words

Gift 4: In Strange Packaging

This one is odd…and for some may not be a gift at all. I think many betrayeds will understand, will see why and how it could be such a gift. I found it to be a gift on several levels…

So remember me? I was the digger, the one who had an unstoppable need to try to find every answer to every question, every piece of evidence, every phone call or text or message, every email or present or FB comment. I created charts and excel spreadsheets and somehow gained sanity through the insanity of putting semblance to chaos in my own strange way.

But there wasn’t much, because HUSBAND was a master deceiver, and adept at deleting, so during that frenzy I was often frustrated with the lack of evidence that what he told me was able to be backed up. I wanted to see the messages, watch the videos, read the emails, but there were so few. I asked questions, though, and he painfully answered them.

HUSBAND told me they sent pictures with frequency to each other. I wanted to know what kind of pictures, and he told me mostly just mundane things as life happened: pictures at work, or pictures of an outfit or pictures of her dog.

“Naked pictures?” I asked…and he answered…a few. He told me she’d taken a stance like a flamingo (one leg folded up with foot on knee) while looking into her full-length mirror and snapped selfies, sometimes lifting her shirt to reveal her breasts. That she’d never spread her legs for the camera, but she had taken full-body photos while lying on the bed. That she’d sent photos frequently of herself in mirrors and from work and from the car.

So here is where the gift comes in. The odd, muddled, maybe-not-a-gift-for-some-but-an-incredible-gift-for the insatiable searcher comes in. After six weeks or so, and a million combinations of searches, I happened to uncover some photos that HUSBAND had somehow overlooked.

Photos of her, of SW.

And incredibly, they were just as HUSBAND had described.

The awkward stance in the hall, shirt raised. The selfies over and over and over and over into the mirror. Mirrors, mostly in bathrooms…at work. At her house. At her cabin. And a few, in an elevator. I enlarged every photo, observed every flaw, saw every deceitful, nasty piece and part of her expressions and fingers and toes and ass and breasts that I could, but every photo – EVERY PHOTO – was just as HUSBAND had described.

He hadn’t lied.

Another tiny step toward rebuilding trust, and these disgusting, trashy photos helped me get there.

Gifts sometimes come in strange packaging.

15 thoughts on “Gift 4: In Strange Packaging”

  1. I think something like that would be so incendiary. Finding notes and cards and emails were enough for me to kick him to the curb. His response? “I saved them because I want to write a book some day and I was going to use them.” WTF? Yeah, he always did believe that I believed everything he said…and the sad truth is….

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  2. I know…seems so counter-intuitive that this was healing and helpful for me. But it was. He was horrified when I found them…did not realize they were not erased… If I’d found them and they had proved him a liar? This post would be completely different.

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    1. OK Yes He had not lied about those. But, he wanted to delete the lot. Not so good with the computer after all! I am pleased that your found it all. It must give you peace. What a narcissistic female…she must have been so much in love with herself…and where did she find the time…?

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  3. The man is such a small part of an affair for a woman, because they’re so fucking in love with themselves they don’t need the man. Give them a mirror and a phone and they’re in a sexual fog. I would say that you should send a copy of the photos to her and embarrass the hell out of her, but then whores don’t care so that would be wasted effort. Betting your H is worried about the shots she has of him and that’s a good thing. Home wrecking whores are such lowlifes. So very sorry that they put you through this hell, no faithful wife deserves this kind of pain. Store it away for the Holidays and enjoy your family. Don’t let her spend this joyous time with you and your loved ones.

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    1. I don’t think they are in love with themselves, I think they have incredibly low self esteem. Especially to have affairs with married men. Their self worth is so low (as with our husbands during the affair) the attention they receive makes them feel better about their shitty selves. ( for the time being until our husbands decide they don’t want them anymore and want their families) That is why they feel the need to take nude selfies and send them. It’s saying “make me feel better about myself because I have shitty self esteem and I need to send you these to make you want to have sex with me so I’ll feel better about myself”.
      I’m in awe of you savingshards, I don’t know if I could’ve remained composed if I found those in my husband’s phone. I remember asking my husband if she sent him photos and he said no, that he didn’t need a photo of her to remember what she looks like. That was a slap in the face for me.

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      1. Mmm, I hear what you are saying, but I know some and although some are pretty desperate and after a relationship or power and money….they also tend to be pretty full of themselves. I think these women have a problem with self-worth, but it is easily denied by themselves. I actually find their demeanor and attitude that of a bully. I have been analyzing the behaviours of quite a few of these women and the fact that they have no regret, and guilt feelings…so in short lack empathy, tells me a lot.
        Of course, we can not generalize, but narcissism is definitely a characteristic of many women who go after married men. Some want short term (booty calls) to feel wanted and to have fun (all paid for) (the sad group), but others are after destroying a marriage out of spite and jealousy. They want what you have and that is despicable.
        If they were suffering with low self-esteem and want to make changes, they could. There are some good therapists around. The fact is that a group of these women want stuff the easy way and don’t mind to destroy others.

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        1. I agree with you. My husband’s OW wanted my life. She wanted to meet our daughters and in three months time they had made plans to be together. Mind you she was/is engaged and has been for years. She wanted the “established” older man who has shown he is a “catch” because we had been together for 15 years. She was/is a narcissist.

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  4. I get it. Any shred of “truth” when we’re dealing with so many lies means the world. I agree that you show so much strength in seeing the bright spot in this! How gross to have to look at all that tho 😝
    You inspire me.
    ☀️

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  5. I totally understand. All we ever wanted was a loving, caring, honest and faithful partner. Then, all we wanted was the truth. When they are willing and able to finally tell the truth, it is a blessing. This must have been an incredibly difficult way to validate he was truthful, but I totally get that the end result was relief and being thankful. My husband has absolutely nothing from his time with his acting out partner. He deleted everything religiously as soon as it was sent. Despite what annasnow might have said in a comment on my blog, there was no real relationship between them and I am incredibly thankful of the recovery journey my husband is on. Throughout the years, he did everything in his power to make sure his sick secret never crashed into our loving life together. Obviously the OW had a whole different agenda. Hugs to you on this Christmas Eve. I hope you are able to feel peace and love deep in your heart today and as you continue to move forward. I agree with sunshine, you are an inspiration! ❤

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    1. Thanks for this note, Kat. I’m feeling a bit blue today – trying hard to push the thoughts…you know, THE THOUGHTS…out of my head. I hope you have a lovely Christmas eve and Day tomorrow.

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      1. You have it in you to push those thoughts away… those painful thoughts we all know so well. Let them go in order to truly feel the wonder that is today. We are having a quiet day as our boys went off to my parent’s house for Christmas Eve and I am trying to keep up with my husband’s needs post total hip replacement surgery. He is on day three. Nearly two years since d-day now, and holiday season number two, and I, so far, have no sadness or triggering moments. I cannot ask for more than that. Hugs and love to you today… xxx

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