We continued our journey of New Marriage History. HUSBAND and I went to counseling and due to my undefined, niggling sense he agreed to reach out to another local therapist who had a reputation for getting to the heart of things. We went, told our story, got some encouragement that we were approaching things right and decided to embark on a “marriage intensive” (a two-day marathon session of delving deep into our marriage…HUSBAND, me, counselor) in early June.
At the initial session with new therapist a couple things happened…therapist looked HUSBAND in the eye and said, “have you told her everything?” Yes, Yes, Yes HUSBAND declared with emphasis, looking pleadingly into the eyes of the counselor.
For Memorial Weekend, we went to spend a couple days at our ranch. On the road to the lodge, I gasped when I saw three young deer right in the middle of the road. The elusive creatures were not usually so bold…we stopped the car…I took pictures before they bounded away. I saw it as a sign…we were healing…seeing things we hadn’t seen before…
We settled in the lodge in the late afternoon, drinking craft beer and eating munchies while watching soccer on the big screen and I typed away in my journal where I worked out feelings and kept timelines and compared what I knew to what I didn’t know. Here came another question…was she ever with you when you bought condoms (because he had answered 13 times previously that of course he always wore condoms). One time, he answered. Which time, I asked. The last time, he answered. After you picked her up from the airport, at that little quick-stop place, I asked. Yes, he answered. Did she go in with you, I asked? No, I told her I was going to run in and get some water, he answered.
At that point, the game ended and he walked out to the porch, working on a broken floor plank. I continued to journal, and then BOOM.
This might be a little hard to follow, but THIS IS WHY…FOR ME….FOR US…DIGGING MATTERS. I’d seen a video message SW recorded to him right before coming to town the last time and she’d said, “Don’t forget my cup, and a tshirt to sleep in.” I’d asked him what cup…WHAT CUP…and he had told me the cup he’d taken with him, filled with ice water (and a matching one for him). He’d also declared over and over that he’d worn condoms, and I asked crazy questions like how many did he buy and he’d answered he bought 4-packs and when we were at Walmart, I noticed that condoms did not come in 4-packs, but I hadn’t said anything at that time although it was bugging me. And suddenly, it all came together for me, and I knew that he wouldn’t have stopped at the quick mart and said he was getting water, BECAUSE HE HAD BROUGHT WATER FOR EACH OF THEM AND IT WAS IN CUPS IN THE CUP HOLDERS AND I KNEW HE’D LIED AGAIN. I ran outside where he was working on the plank and I screamed
YOU LIED TO ME! YOU LIED TO ME AGAIN!
He looked completely and utterly shocked and said about what? What are you talking about?
AND I SCREAMED (THIS IS ALL CAPS BECAUSE I WAS SCREAMING…LOSING MY MIND…) YOU DIDN’T WEAR CONDOMS! YOU LIED! YOU DIDN’T WEAR CONDOMS DID YOU?
And he was pale and looked awful and guilty and shitty and he answered No. No. I didn’t wear condoms. I never wore condoms. And I lied to you about something else.
OH MY GOD! WHAT ELSE DID YOU LIE ABOUT? (SCREAMING…MY GUTS WERE SPILLING OUT OF MY SOUL THROUGH MY MOUTH IN CRIES AND WAILS) DON’T YOU SEE THAT YOU AND THE SLUT ARE ON THE SAME TEAM AND BY LYING YOU HAVE LEFT ME ON THE OTHER TEAM???? IT IS THE TWO OF YOU OVER HERE AND ME OVER THERE??? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS???
His voice raised a little, to almost a panic…the hotel…the hotel…we didn’t stay at XX hotel, we stayed at YY hotel…and I did pay for it…
This started an evening of utter and complete and devastating hell in which hour by hour, HUSBAND revealed one incident…that’s it, no really, now you know everything, that’s it…and then another incident…and another incident…I vacillated between tears and fetal positions and pounding him with my fists and threatening him with losing his reputation and his children and his stuff. All night. By 5:00 am, we sat across from each other on two couches and he drifted off to sleep and I typed furiously in my journal. By this time, I knew that the one-night stand with SW 25 years previously had actually been an affair that included him cooking her dinner at her apartment, sneaking off to fuck on our boat, meeting her for drinks at the local beach hotspot and the crowning glory of revelations…he had flown her to be with him on a business trip/convention in New Orleans. While lying in bed with her, he’d rolled over, called me and told me Happy Valentine’s Day…I love you…and I thanked him for the roses he’d sent. Apparently that hurt her little slut-whore sensitivities, because that was when SW-1 (as I now refer to that first affair) ended.
So about 6:00 am, I’d written SW a scathing email (remember my gracious initial letter to the slut?), challenging her with the filthy and vile actions that she had engaged in with a new marriage…one in which SHE HAD ATTENDED THE WEDDING…and ending with I was praying for her soul…
I moved to a chair next to HUSBAND’s couch and said his name. He looked up at me, groggy, and I said I NEED YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS AND MAKE SURE I HAVE NOT MIS-STATED ANYTHING…and I read the email that covered all the incidents (briefly…I just was DESPERATE for her to know that I knew it all now – that she had NO SECRETS with him any more). He confirmed yes…I said I’m NOT ASKING THIS TIME…and I pressed send.
At that point, I started crying, sitting on that chair. And he got up and stood in front of me, looking forlorn as he had the whole night, no tears, but regretful and I looked up…and I said, You don’t love me, do you? He answered softly, I don’t know what I feel…I don’t know anything…
So I stood up, closed my computer, and softly said, “well…it’s time to close this chapter of our lives…this marriage. I’m going to shower, and then move on without you.” I walked to the bedroom quietly, calmly, and heard HUSBAND walk out the front door.
I began to undress, start the shower.
And I had an unbelievable prompting to go out to him. It was from my soul, from God, and I answered no. No God. I am at peace. I tried. Your Word tells me I can leave this marriage, and I’m at peace now doing so.
Go. GO. And I knew from deep inside that it wasn’t about me anymore.
So I put my clothes back on and walked outside. HUSBAND was there, sitting on a rocker, looking like living hell. I honestly can’t explain how/what happened next, but I sat down on the rocker next to him, and touched his arm (I had not allowed him to touch me all night except when I was hitting him). His head was dropped, he stared at this knees. Tell me the rest, I said softly.
I can’t, he answered. You will hate me.
I won’t hate you, I answered. Just tell me.
No. I can’t hurt you like that, he whispered.
Look at me…I am at peace…I’m covered in the Holy Spirit. HUSBAND, tell me.
I asked him to pray, he tried, he couldn’t. He asked me to pray for him, I did. I have no idea what I said. I have no idea how I was sitting there, or what words were coming out of my mouth, or how I was looking at his face.
And he said, ok. I will tell you. And he told me about a whole additional affair that lasted a year with a coworker. He told me about a one-night stand with a whore. And he broke…he sobbed…he cried out from such a deep place how very sorry he was. He reached for me and we held each other in a sweaty, tear-covered embrace as his body shook.
HIS STORY: HUSBAND later shared with me that when he fell into the sleep on the couch, he began to have a dream-like conversation with two entities. The first said, TELL HER. The second said, No way…don’t tell her…she already knows as much as she needs to know. The other voice said, Tell her everything. The second voice said, She is going to divorce you anyway, she doesn’t need to know it all. The other voice said, Do you know who I am? And husband said, Yes. And that voice said, Then Trust Me.
At that moment, I called his name and he woke and looked up. He said that where I was sitting on the chair and the way the rising sun reflected I looked like an angel. And he knew what he had dreamed was true. But he couldn’t do it then. He couldn’t tell me everything then. But he knew he needed to, he had to, more for HIM than for ME.
So…for us…DIGGING MATTERS. HUSBAND will tell you that if I hadn’t dug, and questioned and kept asking, he would have continued to hide and lie and cover truth justifying it that it was saving me from more pain. But the truth of the lies is they had a hold on him. A dreadful and complete and utter hold. HUSBAND had “confessed” his early transgression with someone one time, BUT NEVER TOLD ME, AND NEVER REALLY DEALT WITH IT. It stayed hidden, deep in his soul, calling at him, taunting him until this night of hell that turned into a day of glory as the sun rose in a magnificent fashion all around and we were one step closer to freedom.
savingshards 
How do you do this? How many times has this man told you he had “told you everything?” You are a remarkable woman. Your faith must indeed be strong. I truly, to the depths of my soul, hope things work out for you. You have a strength and forbearance that I don’t have. XXOO
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It was honestly not of my being – almost an out-of-body experience when I went back outside. But believe me…I had far more wildly out-of-control, nasty, toe-curling moments of vile along the way…
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Good. Sometimes that’s a great release, isn’t it? I say again….I admire you.
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They say they are protecting us by holding back the truth, but they are also trying to protect themselves. I still believe H has more to tell me, and I brace myself for that day, because I need to be calmer and more understanding when he finally does. Thank you for sharing your story.
{{ Hugs }}
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They are SO trying to protect themselves and deceiving themselves into thinking somehow it will hurt us less. But ultimately, both parties continue to be in far more pain as long as LIES reign. I hope you get all the truth that you need.
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” And the truth shall set you free”…….Glad you’re finding your truths and some peace. No betrayed spouse deserves less than that.
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This means more to me than I ever dreamed now. It is a painful path, but has been the road to freedom.
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Mine was fairly good with “the truth” (whatever that is) reasonably early on. Yes. There was a small amount of trickle truth. But he said to me that he instinctively knew that we were on the ledge and that if he continued to lie, that I would definitely jump. No question. That I was likely to anyway, but I MIGHT not if he told the truth. And the lack of condoms. That was my absolute worst fear in the world. And he never used them either. Straight to my gynaecologist. Chlamydia and HPV. Early cervical cancer that has seen me endure three procedures and regular monitoring ever since. I have never slept with anyone else. And there is only one great uncle with any cancer history in my family – he died at over 80. I think that is one of the most unforgivable aspects. The lack of care to protect us from known whores’ diseases. Still makes my ill to think about it. To suck and fuck her then come home to me (or in many cases for me, to do it in my home, and I came home from work to him.) So, so, so gross. I hope you’re okay.
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No matter how many times we are told that we have been told “everything” it never is (or can be everything). We will never truly know every detail, every word, every feeling. We all get the same excuse that they are “protecting” us from the painful details. They are protecting themselves from having to acknowledge, admit and re-live their own vile acts. Just think to anytime you have been utterly ashamed of yourself (likely for something silly) and how thinking back on that moment is cringe worthy. It’s amplified by a bazillion for them to look back on their own actions. But you know what? Too bad. They made those choices and they don’t get to avoid the truth simply because it makes them feel uncomfortable.
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Agree COMPLETELY. Thank you for your insight.
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Oh my what a night. I had some of those with my husband. I hate that they try to “protect us” from the truth. My husband had already hurt me so much that when I was in the process of writing my letter to the whore, I needed to make sure he had told me everything so I didn’t look like a dumbass that my husband was still lying to. I asked him to swear on my father’s grave that he used a condom (which in the beginning he told me she already had them in her hotel room). Well…making him swear on a dead man’s grave who mind you was the only man I ever loved besides my husband made him tell me the truth. No condoms…ugh. I got retested for HIV again after that. I truly didn’t think he could hurt me anymore with anymore information. I too also prayed out loud for my husband when he couldn’t for himself as a held him and cried.
The things that these men have put us through that we love so much. Hugs to you.
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Oh Forever…hugs to you too. I sit amazed at the commonality between our stories. All our stories. There really is nothing new under the sun. Nothing.
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It made me feel every emotion whilst reading this. It is a true form of torture. They are just trying to save their sorry arses. Sure they are scared because the truth of what they have really done is so horrible and yes there is a good chance we will consider divorce and separation but they did it and they need to own it. It took my H three months before the whole truth came out. In that time of course I had to hack emails, hire a private investigator and track texts and mobile charges. Every time some new infidelity showed up it was like another dagger to the heart. The final straw came and he wondered why I would not come out of my wardrobe. I was so broken and my wardrobe made me feel safe.
I hope you are healing well. xxxxxx
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It is really unbelievable what the trickle truth does to the being. I never knew…never knew until it was my story. I’m so sorry for all of us going through this now…and then my heart bleeds for those women through time who have been through this shit. Wardrobe hiding sounds perfect. But I’m glad you came out.
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You… I just don’t have this in me. Or maybe I love my husband less. I do not… I do not have this willingness to give myself 3rd degree burns emotionally. I can’t. It seems like it’s all about saving him while making you deal with all the shit. This is a beautiful story. But I can’t. And it’s breaking my heart.
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Oh CR, I look back and have no idea, no idea at all how those moments unfolded as they did. How I lived/responded the whole sixty days of trickle truth…hell, how my whole married life had been up to that point, and during these dark days. Honestly, if someone had given me a crystal ball and showed me what I was in for, I think I would have just opted out of this life. But I promise…the story really does take interesting turns. Hope you are doing ok.
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I’m fine now. I am the calm before the storm. I am quite certain I will be a siren when all of this comes to light. For now I am digging on my own. I know what I know. When I am ready, on my terms… He will answer. But I am actively grasping reality. The truth is out there, and I really don’t think it’s that complicated. He doesn’t care if he gives us both a disease. He doesn’t crave intimacy he craves drama and lady whores. He loves the security of our life and the adorable couple story we present. I honestly don’t give a shit what other people saw or thought, I loved him. But I don’t anymore. I’m not a part in a play, to perform and be shown to an audience. I’ve been played and I am absolutely appalled. I don’t hate him, I actually just think he’s wasting my life.
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So… years later. I’m in a better place but still in massive limbo. I think you should repost this story. This particular story to me is soooooo insightful to the digging and trickle truth and it gives hope to people.
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I feel for the pain of your experience. We had so many moments, nights, days, weekends like this. He was not protecting me from pain, he was protecting himself. He also firmly believed that if I knew the whole truth, I would never stay. It took about 10 months to get what I believe is the whole truth. It then took more months for me to realize that all the behaviors were just wrapped up in one big issue, my husbands never having dealt with his childhood wounds and his life being full of secrets, lies, and destructive behavior because he hated himself deep down. I was certainly collateral damage and the pain and trauma were devastating. I’ve only read this post, but I will definitely read more. This was so well written, I felt like I was there with you, and I understand all your emotions, even the one that sent you outside to the rocker. xxx
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Thank you, Kat. I’ve begun to read your blog too…wow…so many things in common. We are not alone…WE ARE NOT ALONE…and I wonder how many more of us there are out there, reeling, in pain, thinking THEY are alone. So appreciate that you understand all the myriad feelings…
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I couldn’t do what you’re doing. I really couldn’t. After catching my husband cheating for the third time I had to walk away from the marriage, for my own sanity. I hate to say this to you, but I don’t think you truly know everything yet, and I suspect you may never truly know.
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jepster I know you took your blog down but maybe you still get updates on your comments. I hope
You’re ok
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Hey sister in pain.
I understand. We each have our own journey and must do the next, right thing on that path. Your sanity was the primary thing you needed to hang on to and bravo that you did.
I’m pretty sure now that I know it all. So much darkness and deceit and pain. But for me, for us, it ended up breaking through to light.
I hope you’re okay. I’m thinking of you with love and hope. Big hugs, xo
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I understand completely how you feel. There is no playbook for this experience, and I do not look at any of us and think we are “doing it right” or “doing it wrong.” At this point, I believe Husband has told me as much as he legitimately remembers…but I continue to question and ask and watch. It is hellish in many ways, but it is what it is in New Marriage History. I do not believe that I could go through this again…I think that if he chose now to be with another woman in any capacity that I would walk. HUGS.
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as much as he remembers…that is all you can ask for. As hard as it is…her comes the part of acceptance that there will always be things you do not know. It is no longer important. You know what counts. You are in pain and you see his pain. There is hope.
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There is hope. Indeed.
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God’s word is so true… “the Truth shall set you free. ” God has definitely intervened in your life and marriage. He has a purpose for you and your husband. Many marriages suffer this devastation, including my own, but do not survive. But God knows what lies in each heart and who will change.
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I’m so sorry you have been through this excruciating pain too. I had no idea…no idea how it hurts… HUGS.
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No one truly understands the depth of this pain unless they have lived it. Even those who commit adultery do not understand the damage that they have caused. That is why God is calling those of us who have been through it to reach out to others to encourage them. Your story will be an inspiration to many. Thanks for sharing it.
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